I think I am gona tell everyone!!!
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| Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:48pm |
He's such a jerk.
I am going to have the last holiday with my H this year -
The circle of friends has been acting strange - and I will be out of this circle come spring............I have not been getting return phone calls or email from most of the women......xMM's W may have said her peace to them.
So, I am feeling so bitter and hurt- and I really believe that I am feeling more and more terrible about this A being nothing to xMM.....
NOW I AM PISSED but should I call him and warn him before???????????????
I think I am going to tell the truth.
to hell with his feelings - it was always only about his feelings anyway. My H and I may not be friends after the divorce, but that really does not happen anyway. I have already lost the friendship of these people when I made the decision to have this A....and so did he........
I was asked a direct question by one of the guys last night - and I lied. I felt sick.
I know that I have not future with xMM..............he has made this clear by his actions.
He did not really care for me - I was exciting and fun and his fantasy until reality set in.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.
Oh: And I wish his W (who deserves my apology - but I dont know how to do it) strength, power, healing, happiness in the future, and a really freaking good lawyer.

Is it all about hurting him? Because I know how that feels. My MM and I are under an investigation at work for fraternization, and we could both be fired. He did a little "back-off" and let me know his job comes first, etc. That really hurt me. I haven't been interviewed yet, but he lied and said nothing's going on, and I am expected to say the same thing. Believe me, honey, it has crossed my mind to just tell the truth and let us both get fired. Then there would be nothing left to stand in the way of us being together if he really wanted to. (I've fantasized about telling his W too.) But you know why I won't do any of that? Because I know he would be hurt and mad, and I still have that part of me that wants him to still feel good towards me. Even though we will never be together. Think about your motivations and just try to let this go. Good luck.
Breathe
Be careful...sometimes when you do something in anger you are REALLY sorry later.
Maybe try writing a letter to everyone you want to tell and tear them up.
Write down what you would love to say....even if it is hurtful...but DON'T send it.
You will ensure your position as a friend on the outside by alienating everyone.
If you must tell your story try to do it with love and understanding or at least understand why you need to tell it. You may end up hurting yourself the most in the end. You also may want to write a letter to yourself, sounds crazy but you will be amazed at what you say to yourself when you read it back days, weeks later.
After writing it all out, sit on the letters for a while and tell them (DONT give em the letters!!!) if you still need to.
Much Love and Peace
Hopeful
I am just mad.
Deep in my heart I know that he cares. He is in hell..........and I am in hell.
He can not talk to me anymore - his guilt is killing him. And he has to see my H all the time.....
I have to think - why do I love him. What did he really bring to my life. I may not have been happy with my H and we were already talking D....but what did I think this xMM was really going to do to be with me?
I feel regected. I am venting.
I want him to feel pain -
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and all the circle of friends will be going to one of the Parents houses to party (they are hip!!) I wont be.
xMM will be with all the friends. He will at least once or twice think: I am not happy, I am a lier, I am a bad person, my Marriage is not good - I want out but I do care - I lost my friend who really cared about me because I hurt her (ME!!!!) where is she, will anyone ever find out what kind of person I am, will she be at home on Sunday when I come to pick up xxxx? She is very upset with me....
GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!
I know him and I know he is a depressed mess...........GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
Anna,
First of all, take a deeeeep breath in......now let it out. You, my dear are going through the classic anger stage of a breakup. This is good news, it means that you are well on your way to recovery. You must feel the anger and pain in order to properly grieve the loss of this relationship. More good news, after the anger then comes the acceptance. The acceptance does not necessarily mean that you are pain and anger FREE for good but it does mean that you are in a better position to put everything behind you and get on with a very happy life.
Now listen to me, DO NOT do anything stupid. Ranting and raving about how horrible XMM is will only make YOU look bad. You will look like a crazy woman. You will never regret walking away from this with self respect and dignity but you may live to regret your actions should you chose to rant to his/your friends.
Also, I hate to tell you this but most likely XMM is not asking himself any of those questions you think he may be asking. Truth be told, men can totally compartmentalize and deny their feelings and emotions. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you or miss you, that's just how they are wired. It makes it easier for them to move on and make new conquests. Anyway, chin up love. Don't fight your feelings, just let them happen because you do not have any control over your feelings, only your actions. Try to have a wonderful weekend just to spite him!
CG
Boy, do I remember that anger. I was right where you are about three weeks ago. I envisioned setting up a dummy e-mail account so I could e-mail the xMM's wife and tell her all the nasty things her adoring hubby had been doing for the past year. She caught on to us once and he swore up one side and down the other that we were over. Harrumph. Our A lasted another year after that.
I know enough about her to know that she'd kick him out if she knew. Then he'd be sooo sorry!
The most important fact is that I didn't do it. I stuck with my NC, I dealt with my anger and used it as a tool to propel me into the next phase, acceptance. I accept that we are over, he's never going to come sweeping back into my life, telling me that I'm the only one he wants. He is never coming back.
Don't get me wrong. I HATE it that I will never see him again. I hate it that I still miss him and love him, but it's a weight off your shoulders when you stop that waiting.
As a previous poster said, feel your anger, use it to keep NC but you don't want to cause so much hurt to others. Isn't your hurting enough?
Be angry! It's much better than being sad and depressed. Keep healing!
I am seething.
What I wrote about the things that he WILL think are true - they are all the "sensitive" boo hoo *%@#!@! that he has said for the past 4 months.......I am bad, I am a monster, I dont feel good......I I I I I I I !!!! I wish I new what you were doing...but I wont ever ask.......on and on....
Like I have said, I used to think he was just sensitive (and I liked that because my H is so Macho...) but he really is a depressive mess.........
I think I only miss his kisses and holding him...sex.
I was his fantasy for 8 years........and then he had me.........and I got to have him after almost 2 years of his wife not having IC with him!!!! How could he not miss me - after all he did say he can not remember "being" with anyone else...(xMM has only had IC with 5 women......and this was confirmed by my H and his W) I made him high -
His W was on his tail..........he knew we were gona get caught again and this time - there wouldn't be enough lies in the universe to save us. and the guilt - god, he even looked up Adultry in the bible.......pleeeeeeeeeeeeezeeeeee and got teary eyed when he told me.
He is weak.
I am not - I am scorned and I am pissed off.
I tried to leave back at the end of September - told him we should slow down because his W was calling and screaming so much, I was always looking out the window blinds to see if she was in the driveway - I did not want to have to hide one more time in the loft.
WEAK - he may never find the courage to file - and he will have to live his life with that crazy drunk wife - how constantly says she has nothing to live for.......its gona get really old and borring....
He regrets the A for now because it made him a lier and a betrayer of a friend - heck all our friends...
But later - and believe me he will -
He will call me again - he will find me after I am divorced -
And I will have grace and dignity all about me when I open that door- when I tell him "remember when you used to want to be as close to me as possible when we kissed after not seeing eachother for a day or two..." AND THEN I WILL SLAP HIS FACE.
Anna, I realize you feel you've been scorned but there are a few things you must remember. You, a married woman entered into an affair with a married man. An affair is all about lies and deception.....for both parties involved. How did you think things were going to turn out anyway? You would both leave your spouses and find happiness ever after? Do you have any idea what the odds are of a marriage built on lies and deception working out? The odds are not very good.
Also, you said you will open the door with grace and dignity when/if he knocks on your door and then you will SLAP HIS FACE. Hon, slapping a man in the face is not very dignified. I know you are angry but you need to focus your anger in a productive manner. Go for a jog, go to the gym, BUY A PUNCHING BAG and some gloves (my personal preference).
You said that you tried to leave in Sept. Why? Perhaps because you knew that this man would never leave his wife for you and you needed to get on with your life? Maybe I am missing something but I really don't understand why you feel so scorned when you knew your A was never going to have a happy ending, personally I think my XMM did me a favor by ending it even though it was very painful. I COULD say I am scorned but I am not. I am reaping the consequences of entering into a relationship with a man I had no business being with in the first place and I believe you are doing the same. Just something to think about.
CG
Edited 11/24/2004 7:15 pm ET ET by cowgirlsup
Edited 11/24/2004 7:16 pm ET ET by cowgirlsup
right up until 2 weeks ago xMM told me that he wants to be with me - its the fact that we are married that he cant separate.
He is trying to get his W to accept the D.
We honestly thought that we did have a shot at a life together once we did the right thing and dealt with ending out marriages - I am not made that the A part is over........I am mad that he did not return my call - NOW WAIT....
This man is coming over to my home each Sunday -
I understand if it is to fresh or hard to want to talk to me right now....but I asked him that at the beginging of the month - and he said no he does not want to not talk to me.
A week goes by - normal every 3 day call...........then nothing for almost 2 weeks, AND THAT LOOK??????????????
I only called to ask him if it would be easier for him if I was not home when they "guys" came over for football or to pick up my H to go to the Home games......And to say that I felt we were not really friends anymore and I never want that.
I am not looking to start the A again - I want and deserve more.
I guess I thought that his feelings for me would not go away - regardless of the time and space we needed to take care of ending our marriages.........
This is the guy who would smile and have tears rolling down his face at times after IC!!!!! This is the guy who every morning said he chased me to the edge of the bed because I uncontiously was used to sleeping as far away from my H as possible.....
This is the guy who when I last stayed the night with him called 3 days later and was near tears because he could not take off the T-shirt he wore for 3 days because it smelt like me................
What the hell happened in 2 weeks that could have made him not contact me at all - let alone call back?
That is why I am confused.
And it sucks that I have to see him over the holidays................
I know your upset, pissed but this anger is doing you no good. I agree with the others that you need to put your energy into something more productive. A few weeks ago my xMM stood me up at a hotel room...for what, to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. You wanna talk pissed off, honey I was a raging idiot. But my best friend talked some sense into me and made me write all my emotions and feelings down. It felt good to vent on paper. After looking at what I wrote (about 4 days later), I emailed xMM and let him know exactly how I felt. I wasn't mean or spiteful, just honest on how much he hurt me and that the A was over. I won't tolerate being treated this way any longer. This is a man I've been with for over 5 years!
But you know what, Posie gave me some very good advice. Nobody can give you closure but yourself. I've taken steps to start giving myself that closure. Oh there are days when I want him back so badly, but you know what I don't let myself think that way anymore. He calls just about every day...he wants back in. But I've been strong, I talk to him. It feels good to listen to him beg ;)
Best thing you can do is to forget about him. Let him go. Everything they do or say is what they think you want to hear. Over the past 5 years I've heard I love you's, I want to be with you forever, blah, blah, blah. It's to get what they want from you. Time for you to focus on you and not worry about him.
Just my 2 cents,
PTC