I think I am SO over him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
I think I am SO over him!
2
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:53pm
hi everyone,

I’m wondering if therapy will do me any good. My company has an EAP program, so I started looking into it on Friday.

But now only a couple of days later, I am questioning if it would benefit me. I believe I have come to terms with what I did – I was in an emotional affair w/a guy from work for 4 months and then it got physical (a couple of times only and we did not have intercourse although I gladly would have but he said he would never do that.) I never told my H.

I know the reasons I did it – I needed (okay wanted) to experience the passion. That was it. My sex drive kicked into high gear a few years ago and my H just wasn’t making me feel wanted/needed although we have a good sex life. I was feeling emotionally distant from him and this guy never ceased to amaze me with some of the things he would say or do. I wished my H was more like him in many ways…

I ended things telling XMM I needed to go back to being friends and he said fine, but his lack of response when I poured out all the reasons I did this, etc. floored me. It made me mad that he couldn’t explain anything to me as to why he did this. I wanted to get some closure from him.

He keeps trying to get me to break down (email and IM) but I’ve told him (in between NC) that we never really were friends (I thought he might beg to differ but he didn’t) and to please stop trying to make conversation with me (he asked if he should) and this past weekend he IM’d that he missed me. I told him ‘I guess you just don’t get that I don’t know who you are’ and signed off.

We work together and I saw him for the first time in 8 weeks last week. It was a brief passing, I waved but turned the corner and have no idea if he waved back. It’s been 10 weeks for me now (YES!!!) and I am OVER him. It does get easier.

My question is ‘if I go to therapy I will keep it from my H.’ I don’t like the idea of another secret. I never, ever thought I would have an affair in my lifetime. Now that I have, I know I can never do it again. The lies, betrayal, deception, etc. is not for me. It is wrong and I know it. I am lucky that nothing blew up on me and pray that nothing ever does.

The only goal I have for therapy would be to make sure I understand why I did it (I’m pretty sure I know why) and that I never do it again.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:47pm
Dear iv--

I decided to go to counsleing, but I did tell my husband I was going. It was also an EAP, which is probably easier to explain, since there's no fee to use it. I told my H that I wanted to work on some things to make myself better. I also told him that I wanted to find out more about marriage retreats -- a friend of mine who is newly married for the second time goes on them regularly with her new husband -- she is a big believer in investing time in a relationship even if (and especially) it's not in trouble -- what a concept!!!

Anyway, my H doesn't ask much about the counseling -- I have gone a couple times. But we are going away for the weekend and doing a sort of "do-it-yourself" marriage retreat (couldn't find the right one in my area at the right time). i have a couple books I am using to develop the "discussion agenda." Two of them are:

"A Weekend Away" by Art Hunt (available through Amazon sellers)

and "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman

My point is (after all that) is that everyone has issues to work through; even people who haven't ended an affair -- it's OK to admit that you are going to your EAP if you want -- he doesn't need to know every detail about what you discuss at your sessions. If you were going in for some other problem, you wouldn't share every detail of that either.

Let me know what you end up doing :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:28pm

Hey Wrkng!


I agree with FreeFromHim. My husband also knows I'm in therapy, but doesn't know about my A. He realizes that I've been unhappy for a while, not only in my marriage but with myself. He is completely supportive of "an examined life" as he puts it. Maybe just explain to your H that you want to take advantage of that service (EAP or insurance, whichever) to work out some thoughts and make sure you're as happy as you can be? Or just simply tell him you feel depressed and want help. I do think it's a good idea to at least give it a try. It'd be better to decide after a few sessions that you DON'T needed than to not go and realize later that you did.


Hope you are doing well and that you have a great week. :) Write when you can!


Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby