I think I ended my Affair (*new to the board)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
I think I ended my Affair (*new to the board)
14
Wed, 04-02-2014 - 6:23pm

Hello everyone, I am new here and this is my first post.

I am a married woman and my AP is a married man for 9 months now. This is the first time I have cheated on anyone let alone my partner of 10 years. I decided I wanted to end things with my AP because I want to work on my marriage or get a divorce if I am truely unhappy with my husband instead of cheating on him. My sex life is great in my marriage but I think I got into the affair because I stopped hearing how beautiful I am and all the stuff that makes a woman special. I got all of that from my AP. There are other things just wrong with the affair here and there and I know it isn't going to go anywhere. He lies (you can say I do it since I am having an affair) but he is methodical and pathologic with his lies and he is a sex addict. I also found numerous online profiles of him on websites like ashley maddision, plenty of fish, adult friend finder etc. 

I typically initiate contact with him but I haven't done so in over a week and I haven't heard from him either. Typically, if he hasn't heard from me in about 3 days he will get in contact. I figure since I haven't contacted him and he hasn't bothered to contact things have ended, should I assume that? He has started becoming a little distant lately though our last contact was really awesome and he told me how much he loved and missed me vice versa but I am just not into this anymore. Should I just tell him that and then no more contact? I think i am trying to avoid confrontation by just hoping that it will all go away if I don't contact him. I have to say I do care about him and I miss him but this will not work and I want to work on my marriage. Any advice?

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 04-02-2014 - 7:02pm

Hi Bikerchic and welcome to EAS :)

I think it's always a good idea to have an official ending...in an email or via test (no face to face). It's the considerate thing to do, it assures that both of you are on the same page, and it keeps you from being in the 'he could still call" mode...and it's hard to move on in that in-limbo mode. And it should be short and sweet with no wiggleroom. "I'm going to work on my marriage...I will not contact you...please respect my decision...and do not contact me."

The only time I don't think making contact to end it is a good thing is if there have been multiple endings, and no ones been able to stick with it, and someone is/or both are getting hurt repeatedly. In those cases, it's just best to go no contact...and deal with the emotions and any withdrawals with support.

If you choose to remain non-confrontational and do nothing, what would be your plan should he call you?

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Wed, 04-02-2014 - 7:55pm
Again thank you for your advice i will take your suggestions. I have tried ending things with him and I get so week when i hear from him. That said no good can come from this so I need to put on my big girl pants and realize it is ok to be confrontational once in a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
It would make me very nervous that he is sexually promiscuous. You need to protect yourself and your husband. You said that he is a liar and manipulator. Do you REALLY feel like you are the love of his life? It is not worth risking your marriage and hurting your husband for someone who is actively looking for other people to have sex with. It sounds like you already know that. You need to do what feels like the right thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Wed, 04-02-2014 - 8:29pm

Thank you so much for responding. I guess I just want it all to go away that I didn't think ending it with a official text or email was important. I did mentioned to him once before that i had comtemplated ending things with him before and he "said please don't ever not talk to me. You are the love of my life and that just made me nauseous". I know he wont try to call but he may text or email my plan was just to ignore it.


I will have to sit down and reflect on all of this. I need to end this the right way so that I don't open up oppurtunities for continous contact. I am just afriad that i will be too weak to do it so i decided not to confront the situation and hope it all goes away. You bring up a lot of good points that I hadn't considered.


Thanks again for responding. I have been reading all I can on this site to help me through this whole process. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Wed, 04-02-2014 - 8:41pm
Soaringonward, thank you so much for your response. Yes, this is all making me very nervous and I don't want to bring anything home to my dear husband. I have to add i haven't had physical contact with AP since November since we live thousands of miles apart. No, I don't feel like I am the love of his life nor do I want to be. I know that I love and care deeply for him but he is not the love of my life. I ask myself over and over again why did I get myself into this. I let the issues in my marriage and distance cloud my judgement. I typically, make sound decisions but I fell too deep and fast for this one. Though we are miles apart we stay in contact via text, email, messenger etc so I thought this will just morph into a friendship. I have friends who I started off with in a sexual way and then realized that we are better off as friends. However, those relationships didn't occur as a result of cheating, they were always while I was single before I met my husband 10 years ago. I should have known this one will be different and to not get involved. I want to end things and before anyone else other than the both of us get hurt. Thanks again for responding and giving advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 12:11am

I'm glad you realize that an affair isn't going to fix your life.  You say your sex life in your marriage is fine, but you miss being told that " you're beautiful and all that 'stuff' that makes a woman feel special"?  This is what leads to many affairs, and really and truly the problem is yours, not your marriage or your husband.  You have to FEEL beautiful, and you have to FEEL special!  That comes from within you, not from being told by someone else.  Maybe your husband is taking you for granted, or maybe he feels that you know how special you are to him.  Talk to him, and tell him what you miss.  He's not a mind reader! 

As for your affair partner, as someone else mentioned, it's bad enough that he's got other women (and how does THAT make you feel special?) but he's bi-sexual, which means sex with men.  You should probably get yourself tested for any and all STDs because many of them have no symptoms, but can be passed on to others.  If you want to avoid "confrontation" then simply don't contact him again, and if he contacts you, ignore him.  He'll move on.  He's got plenty of other willing victims.   Just be tough, block him if you can, ignore him if you can't block him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 6:28am

fissatore, thank you very much for your response. You hit the nail on the head!! My husband and I both took our relationship for granted. We have talked about what was missing and are working together to rekindle things. There were a lot of hurtful things that he said to me which caused me to feel not so special to him but I have come to learn that marriage is hard work. Both sides need to continuously work on the relationship instead of going out to seek temporary solutions that could cause a lifetime of hurt and heartache. I wish my husband will go to therapy with me but he won't. I have suggested it multiple times and no movement on that front. I will keep trying. Things are going well with us right now and I need/want to keep it that way. Which is one of many reasons why it is ever so important to end this toxic relationship with my xAP (I feel I should use xAP). One thing I know about me is once I am done I am done and I am done with the relationship with the xAP.

As for the concerns about STDs, we did use protection but I also got tested for everything under the sun after our last encounter in November. I am getting tested again in May which will be the six month point of my last test just to be sure. The last thing I want is to give my dear husband any STDs as a result of my irresponsible behavior and lack of sound judgement.

As for the non-confrontation part, I am really non-confrontational to a fault and so is he. I seem to think the reason he was becoming distant a few times in the past 6 -8 weeks is probably because he wants to end things. However, I gave him multiple opportunities to end things because I didn't want to have to do and he said NEVER and the reason he has been distant is because he can't talk freely. That said I need to do what Clarity suggested mainly because our paths are bound to cross because of our jobs though we are thousands of miles apart. We will have opportunities to see each other at least twice a year and I need to make it clear that it is over now so when those time come for us to work together there is no confusion on where I stand. This whole ordeal is a BIG lesson for me, affairs never solve anything because it only complicates and compounds an already bad situation. No one wins in the end because people we claim to love will get hurt if they find out.

Again thank you to everyone who has responded! I have been doing my share of reading on the board and I realized I was doing the right thing by ending things yesterday before I posted. Anytime, I feel the urge to contact him I will be sure to come on the board and post or read something. The good thing is I have a pretty active life so I doubt I will be sitting at home mopping about him. This board is an amazing resource!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
Bikerchic, you sound great! Many of us don't mean to have affairs. We become weak. I am also nonconofrontational and that is what got me into my situation. I knew he was attracted to me and I should have nipped it in the bud. Instead, I knew we would be going our separate ways and most likely never see each other again and that would be the end. I didn't expect to get so dependent by using the Internet. I regret not telling him to leave me alone and I gave into the compliments and flattery. So I can understand how you did too. We all want our spouses to notice us and make us feel special. It get taken for granted during the normal day to day things going on. You sound clear about your intentions to keep your marriage going. Good for you! You will feel even better once you cut your ties and can put exAP in your past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 3:57pm
Soaringonward, thanks for yours and everyone's advice. I have been cheated on and I know how devastated I was when I found out. I never want to do that to the one person I love more than anything or anyone. I think my "clarity" (since I won't quite call it that) has to do with all the reading I have been doing on this board and knowing that I will lose everything if I continue this course of action with xAP. For what? He isn't worth it and I love my husband and family more than throwing all that away for uncertainty. I also knew I needed to take control he had over me away from him by ending things though things were kinda going "well" with us. I am still going to have to take things one day at a time because I enjoyed his company and I did care about him but at the end of the day my relationship with him doesn't mean that much to me to the point of ruining my life. I have to focus on myself and my family because those are what is important to me. I will keep posting every time I feel the urge to text or message him. So far I am staying strong, I have little moments of weakness when I think about him but I understand that is normal since I did love and cared for him. I am sure he will move on after a while as well.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 4:27pm

Kudos for staying the course.  And really, being the one to end it avoids the huge hurdle of the rejection factor...and, you still have your power.  I can't tell you the times people have been the one to end their affair, fall back into the affair and then hear from their affair partner that they want to end it.  Man oh man, they become so angry with themselves over that.

I hope, too, that you use this time to do some introspection to pinpoint what issues made you go off the beam to insure that whatever they were do not rear their ugly heads again in the future.  

Stay the course, and don't give up your power...ever.   

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


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