I think I ended my Affair (*new to the board)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
I think I ended my Affair (*new to the board)
14
Wed, 04-02-2014 - 6:23pm

Hello everyone, I am new here and this is my first post.

I am a married woman and my AP is a married man for 9 months now. This is the first time I have cheated on anyone let alone my partner of 10 years. I decided I wanted to end things with my AP because I want to work on my marriage or get a divorce if I am truely unhappy with my husband instead of cheating on him. My sex life is great in my marriage but I think I got into the affair because I stopped hearing how beautiful I am and all the stuff that makes a woman special. I got all of that from my AP. There are other things just wrong with the affair here and there and I know it isn't going to go anywhere. He lies (you can say I do it since I am having an affair) but he is methodical and pathologic with his lies and he is a sex addict. I also found numerous online profiles of him on websites like ashley maddision, plenty of fish, adult friend finder etc. 

I typically initiate contact with him but I haven't done so in over a week and I haven't heard from him either. Typically, if he hasn't heard from me in about 3 days he will get in contact. I figure since I haven't contacted him and he hasn't bothered to contact things have ended, should I assume that? He has started becoming a little distant lately though our last contact was really awesome and he told me how much he loved and missed me vice versa but I am just not into this anymore. Should I just tell him that and then no more contact? I think i am trying to avoid confrontation by just hoping that it will all go away if I don't contact him. I have to say I do care about him and I miss him but this will not work and I want to work on my marriage. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 5:34pm
Thank you Clarity!! I will continue to stay the course! I am working hard to make sure I sort through all the reasons I may have put myself in this hideous situation in the first place. I think I know what most of those reasons are and I am working on those with my husband. I think it took the affair happening and me realizing that I am going the wrong path to figure things out. Also, my husband and I got into multiple fights the last few months that cause both of us to say "ok time out what is really going on here". We talked (which he never wants to do) and reaffirmed to each other that we want to make our marriage work so we need to do what it takes to make it work. I expressed my feelings of not being feeling special and he express his thoughts on how independent I am. He wanted to feel needed and do things for our relationship instead of me doing the miss independent card. That was driving a huge wedge between us but I took it as he didn't make me feel beautiful and special. As you can see, we both wanted the same thing I want to be loved on and showered with attention but I don't know how to relax and let it happen and let him be the man that he will like to be for our family. Another issue is, I am a very sexual person and he isn't as sexual as I am but it has never stopped us so I need to realize that I need to ease him into things I like instead of taking it off the table the moment I sense he will be hesitant about trying something. There are many more little issues here and there but the key is COMMUNICATION! We should have talked and addressed this issues but because we are both non-confrontational so we just let little things pile up to a breaking point. I am learning to be assertive at the right times and play it cool at the right times. I think I may go see a therapist on my own and hopefully someday my husband will join me. All is not lost and I will keep working! Thanks again Clarity! You are amazing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 7:25pm
Today has been a rough one... I can't stop thinking about him. Wondering how he is doing and if he is trying to contact me. I deleted the email we used for communications and blocked him on my phone. I figure I should get on the site, read, and post to prevent me from messing up the good thing that I have going the last few days.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 9:57pm

You're doing all the right things to protect yourself....from yourself :)  Blocking so he can't get through and you can't get through to him during a weak moment.  Coming here, reading up, supporting others...all better "healing activities" to occupy your mind. 

Please check out baggagereclaim site.  I've never seen a site so effective in changing people's perspectives.

You will have good days and rough days.  I promise if you stay the course the good days will begin to outweigh those rough days.  

If you start to get the runaway brain, as I call it, when you start obsessing and looking backward, say outloud to yourself "STOP" and replace it with either some positive Affirmations or something to do with your present reality.  You might have to do this a lot...lol  Try not to look in the rearview mirror...you are not going that way.

Hang in there, Bickerchic.  I think you are doing pretty dang well by doing whatever is necessary to put this behind you once and for all.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2014
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 5:09am
Thank you! I will checkout the baggagereclaim site.

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