I think I might be OK
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| Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:13am |
Hi Everyone, I just wanted to check in with everyone and let you know what has happened. I confronted H on Sunday about his contact with the neighbor because the M counselor didn't want him blindsided at our joint session on Monday. It turned ugly, he went to work. Not 10 minutes after he left the neighbor called me, I didn't want to talk to her but she begged me to. She told me what has been going on, just calls and texts both of them bitching about spouses. Nothing physical, just friends. I was on the phone with her for over an hour, not saying much. She told me to please hold on because she thought that H was going to make a turn around, that he has realized that he has pushed me too far. I spent the next couple of hours with the kids doing "normal" things but always thinking about the situation. I called H at work and told him that I was sorry that we had fought about the calls but that I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that I didn't have to apologize that he understood why I jumped to the conclusions I had. After thinking all night I came to the conclusion that I had reached my end and that I couldn't do it anymore. I wrote out what I wanted to say to H but basically I told him that I have been beaten down and have no desire to continue this way, it is a bad example for the kids and something I don't want them to learn.
Yesterday morning the neighbor called and told me that she had talked to my H all morning and that I was going to see a big change at the counseling session. She said that my H has realized that he has made the situation look the way he has just to get back at me. She told H that they could no longer have any contact if that is what I wanted. She told him that her H and her are going to move forward and try and work things out.
H went to counseling for 1/2 hour before I did. I got there and told the counselor that I wanted to read what I had written thinking about the situation the night before. Then she turned to H and asked him what he wanted to tell me. He basically said that his contact with the neighbor was a crutch for both of them and neither of them has dealt with things in their own situations. He said he realizes that he never tried with our R and that he wanted to try and see what happens. The session then turned very positive, him telling me things that bother him and I did the same. He has promised that there will be NC with the neighbor. We got home and he actually approached me and just held me, I cried and neither one of us said much. We ended up talking and we both know that it is going to be a long road ahead and that we have a lot of changes to make. We are going to continue with the joint sessions and about every other week the counselor wants to see me alone to make sure that any issues that arise we can deal with.
As much as this is what I wanted, I feel myself still staying guarded. H told me before he left last night for work that he really loves me. I so want to believe that but for 2 months all I have heard is that he has no feelings for me, but I didn't say anything just told him that I love him. I know we have a long way to go and I hope we can make it.
I want to thank all of you for your support but at this time I think for my own sanity I have to pull back from the board. I need to spend my time and energy in getting my life back, that has been gone for the last 2 years. H brought up things last night that even I hadn't realized but it made me see that my A consumed much more time then I ever thought. I will still check in with everyone and give periodic updates and lurk so that I can offer advice if I have anything useful but I won't be here as much as I have been at least for now. Happy Thanksgiving to all and I wish everyone peace and happiness.
DAF

Daf, I haven't been around much lately, but every once in awhile I like to check in -- you're one of the ones I like to check in on... I am *so* glad to hear this. It sounds like a *major* breakthrough.
No matter what happens now, I know without a doubt that you ARE going to be okay.
(((((((DAF)))))
I have been following your posts since the beginning. Because I am not married, I couldn't offer any sound advice without sounding ignorant, so hearing that there has finally been a break in your dark clouds brought tears to my eyes. You have a long journey ahead of you, but the ingredients are all set out on the counter for preparing a healthier and more honest union of two people who still love one another. I send you love and blessings throughout this holiday season, and will keep you in my prayers.
I am hoping that all of us who are on this board will seriously look deep into the repercussions that can evolve from having an affair, as there are very valuable lessons to be learned through Daf's story. So many of us just think of our own pain and suffering, and are not able to look past our selfishness to see that there are innocent people whose lives can be demolished as a result of our actions. It was NOT until I was able to look outside of MY affair box and realize that there was a wife in this equation, as well as kids (even though they were older), that I was able to honestly face MY wrong doings. I started reading all of the "betrayed spouse" boards in hopes of gaining insights for what can happen if I didn't exit, PDQ. The pain and heartache that these men and women go through effected me deeply, enough to end my 4.5 year affair and stay DONE!
A married man who invites you to his bed or inside of his head (emotional affairs) is by nature, a very confused and selfish human being. Our encouraging them to turn their feelings toward us, because of our lonliness or boredom, or just because we need a little something special for ourselves, is a serious sign of character weakness. It is no wonder that we beat ourselves up unmercifully when the affair ends because the truth is: We are used to being broken already from some other flaw within ourselves, and NOW we've got someone new to blame for not fixing it.
The answers lie within. This is the only place that holds the key to your happiness.
True
Daf
I hope you return once more and read this.
I have faith that you and your husband will make it all the way back to the best you have ever been and that you will go far beyond that point into a far better closer relationship then you would have believed possible.
I will say it once again PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE, because as you said it will take a lot of work and you can expect your husband to have trigger events from time to time such as the 1 year anniversary of your d-day , wedding your next anniversary and other such things but all this can be overcome and you two can go on to have the type of love and marriage that you both want and need.
You my dear girl shell remain in my thoughts and prays.
Blessings on your family and marriage.
Free
Hello Daf,
I am so pleased and relieved to hear such progress . I want to wish you the best for you and your family and I will definately be routing for you. I too have pulled back from the board a bit because I realized I have been doing much better and I just lurk and check a few times. Since I have been looking at your story since the beginning I had to reply to you and wish you nothing but the best. Your story is a lesson for all of us. I am sorry you have endured such heart aches in the last couple of months, but I have a feeling you are now headed in the road to great recovery.
Good Luck Wishing you all the best..
Hugs
Ladybug
Thank you all for your well wishes, but already I have to report that this morning H told me that he can't continue to do this. He feels like he is living a lie and that he is giving me false hope. This ranks right up there with one of my worst day. I am numb but I do have to say that H and I have been talking about some of the issues all day, he is still saying he can't do it but he is willing to keep going to counseling and see if she can figure out what is wrong with us.
I am once again devasted and I can't even remember how I finished cooking or anything. I do know I can't take much more of this. I know Free PATIENCE but honestly is this normal? H is saying that thru the 2 years of him trying and me not he lost all feelings and although he loves me because I am the mother of his DD there is something missing. I want to believe so hard that he can get those feelings back. I am calling the counselor tomorrow because I wont' make it until Monday afternoon's session.
Oh by the way H already broke NC with the neighbor yesterday. He had called me to ask me if I minded if he went running with her and I told him yes, so he didn't go. Today I asked him to his face if he has talked to her and he said yes twice yesterday. I asked him once again tonight not to have contact with her, that we need to figure things out and he said he wouldn't.
I hate this feeling, I want to just curl up and go away. Keep me in your prayers.
DAF
Daf
To answer your question YES it seems to be normal, I have made a study of B/S reactions and your husband seems to be pretty average, I think you have to expect this, this is going to take a lot of time and pain.
By the way your husband can not have it both ways, he cannot love you or have feelings for you as the mother of his children in one breath and have no feelings in the other FEELINGS ARE FEELINGS you have them or you don't.
It will take time and deliberate effort before your husband feels SAFE giveing you his whole heart in an unguarded way again, I think being betrayed by the one person that you gave your total trust and love to is not something you get over quickly, it rquired 2 years to do this to him so you have to expect to invest some serious time undoing it.
I suggest that you simple choose not to believe everything he says fo now.
Remember 2 weeks ago you were not really talking at all now you are, now your husband is agreeing to continued MC... I think this is progress slow and painful but progress none the less.
Daf PATIENCE is the key to the lock on your husbands heart, you need to turn that key a little bit every day until the lock is ready to open you cannot rush it.
And please stop telling yourself that you can't do this YOU CAN AND YOU WILL IF YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND BADLY ENOUGH, the price your willing to pay tells you how much you value a thing.
You and your family will remain in my prays with out fail.
Free