I think I'm going to need help today

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
I think I'm going to need help today
16
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 8:50am
I'm mad I feel irrational and now I want to tell him off...of course I know this will only make me look pathetic but I still want to

xap wife posted on one of my friends fb pages about her valentine gift (it's what he gets her every year I picked it out it was a hit so he keeps getting) I didnt go looking for that but there it was and it makes me want to hurt him wtf do I care it's not like I didnt know his uncreative ass would do that but seeing it there in gushing writing I want to puke!

Ok I had it to easy yesterday

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 8:56am
LFH,
This is normal. Anger at being duped, being used, anger at him and the situation and his W - normal.

Many of us faced the NEED of getting out what we want to say - and many of us have written it out literally - BUT-
Do not send it. In the end, and you may not understand this now, It doesn't matter. Write your letter to us. Vent away. The truth is - your ending is a beginning - YOUR chance to handle and deal with things and have it be all about you, your worth, your abilities -

I would suggest blocking xAP and his W from you on FB (go to your privacy settings and at the bottom of the page is the block list - put in thier names) - this will keep you from seeing their posts - and in the end - keep you from stalking and being angry at things that are no longer yours (not that it ever really was yours since it was an A).

It's important when following a NC block and walk to arm yourself against potential threats of new hurts -

YOU can do this. Keep posting - write your letter and post it here if it will make you feel better - but KEEP your NC.

Silence is Golden.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 8:59am

It's okay to feel anger...just don't act on it. Let these emotions work themselves out...give it 24/48 hours. By then you won't give a hoot and will have had time to rationalize how foolish it is to get upset over something he did for his wife. I would also ask your friend not to share info that she reads on her page re. XMM. Can she put him on hide? I do that with people when they are annoying me. (Bad, Iddy). Why upset yourself like this anyway? Blocking and walking mean doing this in ALL avenues of communication;. No googling, no FB, no fishing for info from friends. This is all for your own protection.

The hard part of ending is just beginning, so yes, maybe yesterday was driven by adrenaline which made it easier, but now you are going to have to start doing the real work. Focus on yourself and take back control of your life.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 9:00am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 9:51am

Oh, I so, so understand why you're raging over this. I would be too. In fact, xAP was one of the primary reasons I deleted my FB account. It got way too painful to see his comments on her wall and photos; "Happy Anniversary, baby," status updates, etc. Sometimes I think APs use social media to get at us...at least I think mine did. He wanted me to see those things and get jealous. And for you, seeing them gush over a gift that YOU picked out, well, it's got to be so frustrating to be the lone person who knows what a SHAM it is.

In ending situations, I believe that all Facebook will do is bring you pain, rub salt in the wound, conjure up bad feels. I second, third, infinity, anyone who suggests blocking xAP and his W, because in this case, I think ignorance IS bliss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:02am

STOP!!

Warning: Harsh words ahead.

Stop obsessing and thinking about xAP getting his WIFE a Valentine's Day present. SHE IS HIS W-I-F-E. This is the woman he is married to. This is the woman he has a REAL LIFE with. I don't care one hoot what he is telling you about his M. The truth is it is obviously good enough for him to stay in it. So just quit thinking so selfishly because he got her a freaking gift on V-Day.

Turn your thoughts--FORCE THEM--inward. What was it that ever made you think it was okay to get involved with someone who was married and unavailable??? What was YOUR role in this whole sordid affair?? The problem is not that he turned his back on you, or chose to be with his wife, or told you he loved you, or told you his life at home sucked, or told you that he couldn't live without you. Maybe he convinced himself of

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:15am
(standing in awe) Yeah. What she said.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:22am
Alwyast, I love and agree with every single thing you just said. I am so happy to read your words and know that my effort in this tread is drastically minimized.

Also I am continually amazed by your growth and understanding.

LFH, know that these words of hers come not only with compassion and care... but always with PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

I will only add what Mr. Mackey is famous for saing "You can do it, its all up to you m'kay"!

Hugs to you both. Alwayst, you are truly a gift to this place!
peace&light
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:24am

"How dare you call his life a sham. What is your life??"

Good grief. Just because I called sham on the fact he's giving his WIFE a present that his AP picked out doesn't mean that I don't also think my own life is a sham. It is, thank you kindly for reminding me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:35am
Silver - I think Always Reply was not just to you - and it wasn't ONLY to point out your own life (whether or not it is a sham - well - that is personal). We ALL live a sham when we are in an A. It's an undeniable part of being involved with someone we have no right to be with. Had you not picked it out - he would have still got his W a gift - that's mechanics. Men are sheep to an extent - if something works or gets a good review, regardless of who told them the idea they will adopt that behavior (in this case buying the same gift each year) because it WORKED -
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 02-16-2011 - 11:38am

<<...doesn't mean that I don't also think my own life is a sham. It is, thank you kindly for reminding me.>>

That's a good place to start, Silver.

Believe me. I understand all the hurt and anger and need to lash out and place blame somewhere, anywhere. It's almost as nice of a diversion as the A, isn't it? But where's that really getting you/us?

Please do not let my post discourage you from posting your feelings. Honey, I go back and read some of my earlier posts

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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