I think I'm ok!! (bit long)
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| Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:25am |
Well hi everyone! As you know I have been contemplating, well deciding to break up with my MM of 12 years. I had asked him to fly here so we could talk. After him promising to come down here in 2 weeks then 2 weeks turning into 4 weeks, and also with the help of your messages, I decided to email him. I had drafted a letter telling him everything I felt, so I sent it to him. He emailed back saying he would call me.
He rang this morning while I was at work and thanked me for the letter and said he has never been touched by a letter that much. He apologised for being such a a**hole all these years, and could I forgive him? He says that he really always thought that I was ok with it and if he had known what I had been going through he would have stopped it (the A)immediately.
One thing he did say that he supposed it could have worked out for us had I told him how I felt when he was divorced (that made me feel extra terrible), but I said that I had wanted him to come to me willingly, not because I had put an idea into his head. He claimed he really doesn't love his wife (as a H should), but that they get along really well and they are both happy with that.
He also said that he has 2 best friends in this world. One is a guy I have known for as long as I have known xMM, and the other is me. He said it would really hurt him if we couldn't be friends anymore, but he understood that he had to respect my wishes and if I couldn't do it (ie: not want IC) he would understand. He also said that he would really like to write a letter back to me.
I cried throughout most of the 30 min conversation, but since being off the phone have been quite relieved (?) Its like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am getting a second chance at life. No more emotionally unavailable men for me! (My father was unavailable, then I moved in with my husband - Mr Unavail, then the day after we seperated I took up with xMM) This has been a major life choice and is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done.
He said that he has always had huge respect for me but that this letter has made him respect and value me even more. The fact that I could be so open and honest with him. I feel today I have set myself free of him, and I can already see him in a different light.
My life is not immediately fixed, far from it and I still feel a bit of trepidation - but my gosh when I think of what I have saved myself from I feel terrific!
Thanks for listening, and all your posts helping me throught this.
Liz :)

Congratulations are in order... I am sorry you have had to go through all this to get to where you are now. I am not familiar with your whole situation but am proud of you for letting go.
I too choose unavailable men. I know that I am unavailable myself so anytime I am with an available man I get spooked. However, I am trying really hard to be available... fake it until you make it...
Good luck