I thought I could handle it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
I thought I could handle it....
6
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 4:52pm
Hello. I was literally searching for answers online and found this message board. Thank goodness. I happened upon my A with a MM in early spring. We had been acquaintances before then and I agreed to go show with him when another friend backed out--well my brain wasn't working and due to the distance we were spending the night out of town. He booked separate rooms and nothing was intended. The drive was great, the play amazing and hanging out after perfect--so walking a back to the hotel we were goofing around (laughing, pushing at each other, etc) and BAM--there goes a kiss. From there you can imagine. He was very very clear that we would be back to reality soon because of "the wife". (his phrase not mine). I thought it would be that night, but no. He lived near me while in town on business and the family was moving for the new school year. When my kids were at the dads for the summer we bascially played house 24/7. We talked about August being the end of it. He hit me in July with "I love you, I never expected to fall so deeply"--still the wife was coming in a bit over a month. He expressed how he wanted us to be friends. How my kids and his kids, me, "the wife", and him we could all get along. Well, I played along, fooling myself, fooling him and now here we are. I met "the wife" and she is very nice. I never asked why he cheated and upon meeting her wonder why even more. He wants to be my pal, he wants to be able to flirt with me, have lunch with me, have our families share events---and guess what? It is killing me. Why did I think I could do this? No one in my circle knows. They have all teased me about my friendship with him and I have sufficiently convinced them it was nothing. I have no one to cry to, seek advice from or just vent. Does he want his cake and eat it too? Even though we are no longer physical. I really want him in my life--he is great. I just find myself not wanting to deal with his whole family in my life. Anyone--thoughts? Thank you--sorry for the length.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 5:17pm
HI June

Sorry to see you here but welcome.

Time to start dealing with reality, the first thing is he is not a great man, he is a cheating married man and he wants to continue to have the opportunity to do so with you when is works for him.

GREAT MEN DO NOT CHEAT ON GOOD WIVES.

The truth is he played you and used you and wants to have his cake and eat it to.

I know this is hard stuff to read, My own experience was not so different from yours, it came to a crashing halt after meeting "THE WIFE" and realizing she was the GREAT ONE in that marriage and he the CHARMING sleaze.

As that saying gos "YOU SHALL NO THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE"

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:33am
I don't know if I totally agree with that. I met this wonderful woman once, hit it off completely. I thought she was just so cool. We were great friends for awhile. She was so much like me. I remember her saying, "Wait til you meet my husband. You'll LOVE him! He's a great guy."

Well he was. And I do love him. The guilt was incredible, and I wondered what in the world would make him cheat on his perfect wife who shared so many of the same qualities that I did?

Now - two years later, I think maybe it was probably because I came along at a time when she was so busy doing other things, that she didn't pay attention to him anymore. Didn't appreciate him, didn't nurture him, didn't desire him. I did. It was those same qualities in him that attracted me to him - those same qualities that my husband wasn't showing. There was also the danger of it all that some people find sexy...I certainly did. He and I are both much more sexually adventurous than our spouses, and much more sexual in nature than either of them as well.

But that doesn't make him or myself bad people, and it doesn't make our spouses bad either.

There are a lot of people that tell me how lucky I am to have my husband. He looks perfect. He's charming and sweet, a wonderful father, and devout Christian and although we have our differences in philosophies, we have found a way to get along for many years. However - what nobody knows (except my XMM) is that he's impotent. No intercourse for years - and afraid of sex because of it. Does that make me a bad person for finding it elsewhere in what I see as a safe situation?

It has, however, made my life extremely complicated and difficult, and has brought out the Drama Queen that I never even knew I had in me. I hate that about myself. Hate that I can't be with him, and yet hate myself for wanting to be with him. Hate myself for asking him to see me, and hate myself even more for getting upset when he can't be with me. So I'm ending it to save myself. But I can't look at any of us and see that any of us are bad people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:18am
Dothelimbo

Hi, One thing that I have learned the hardway is that the solutions we choose to deal with the problems in our lives or marriages tell US about US, our problems do not decide our actions for us we do, this does not have anything to do with being a good person or a bad person but about making healthy decisions or unhealthy decisions.

Often we learn to make good decisions by our mistakes I guess that is only human.

I think many women make the mistake of believing that men and women operate from the same motives, or when they do the same thing (affairs in this case) there motivations for doing so are the same.

As for the person I called a sleaze your just going to have to take my word for it he was and still is.

JMHO

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 11:29am
Hello.

I am a believer that it takes two. I appreciate the different perspectives given. While I am single (divorced 3 years) and he is married--I find myself wondering why I entered into this at all? I knew the game plan, the outcome. He never ever implied it would be anything more once "the wife" arrived in town. That we would go from physical to friends w/out benefits. He talked the whole time of his desire for us to remain close. Why can't I handle it since I knew the rules going into the game?

I don't think he is a bad person. I don't think I am a bad person. As a single woman I do find myself getting tired of married men hitting on me. However, this guy didn't hit on me, we evolved to the affair and now hindsight is everything.

Should I run away from him completely (our circle of friends will think that is odd) or do I give it a go and try the friend/family thing? Arghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:57pm

I've done the friend/family thing and let me tell you- it's way too tough. My advice would be to start distancing yourself slowly as to not arose suspicions but eventually say you grew apart as friends and start NC. That happens all the time with friends. You move, change jobs, etc. and lose contact.

Good luck and you've found a great place for support.




Edited 2/16/2005 1:37 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:58pm
I agree with Iris, the friendship thing almost never works out, make a quiet exit and if you want keep your eyes open for a honorable single man.

Good luck what ever you do

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