I thought.... I hoped...I wished
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I thought.... I hoped...I wished
| Wed, 03-16-2005 - 8:36pm |
I thought he would see me as human.
I hoped I would be different.
I wished it never happened. I have never felt so much pleasure, so much joy, so much excitement, so much pain than I did in this affair.
I hear his voice in my head. His laugh in my heart. I rally his accomplishments. I feel so great sorrow in his disappointments.
But guess what? Do you think they ever consider our feelings, our joys, our disappointments? For most, the answer is NO!
It sucks!!! I know I am there. I feel all the emotions everyone describes here. I just don't have the answers. I don't know how to get back to the person I used to be.
I hate it. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate feeling this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SS

SS
>>>"I don't know how to get back to the person I used to be.""<<<
YOU DON'T, you have been changed for ever because you can never remove these experiences from your heart/mind/spirit they like all the other major events in you life have shaped who you are today and how you will view other people for the rest of your life.
BUT you will also NOT stay were you are today you will continue to change, if you embrace and address the aspects of yourself that caused you to make the decisions that got you were you are today that change can be growth as a woman a true maturity and a truely mature woman is a pearl of great price because they are so rare.
Free
sunshine,
im sorry for your pain but they dont HEAR OUR PAIN
if they want to be with us , they would be with us and none of us will be here, but in reality they are not, yes we think we love them, they might have loved us but in the end there is no love, only LIES, we lied to ourselves for sure
its the worst thing that can happen to a human being, being lied to and lied to oneself, that is what we got from our affairs, most of us i think
there are no answers to some of our questions, what me must do is not ask anymore, and not to lie in that lie anymore, u know its all lies, in the end its all deciet and lies
im sorry but this is how i feel, im sure in the end when we realize and we are clear about our affairs, only LOGICAL aspect of it is that we were caught up in lies, nothing can come up good about our affair
sorry,
max
ps like FREE said, we wil never be the same person, i hope we learn a lesson, honesty is the best policy in all aspect of life ... im off my soapbox, my fire retardant suit in on :)
take care and stop telling yourself all this lies
sunshine,
im sorry but they never THOUGHT we are humans with feeling
dont HOPE for him anymore, its false hope
dont WISH anymore, wishing will never do us any good, just do it !!! make yourself happy and u will find someone who will love u for u
im on a roll,
max
crissy writes <>>
Crissy...please...sooner than not...understand that you might still be elevating him more than he *is* or deserves. I know that feeling "i might not feel that way again because I never felt that way before". But...please...do not think he is a pinnacle of men...because he is not. It hurts like hell when its special. He is not the only one like him and just think..there might be a BETTER man and situation out there. Its true because you have to remember....he was flawed in some way . Its a natural feeling to feel how you do right now...its protecting you from further pain. Eventually...you only let his ego win whether he knows how you feel about "never again" or not. It serves NOTHING but protecting your heart right now...and feeding that ego. No one is that powerful and terrific that they cannot be bested by someone else who may have different but HIGHER QUALITY standards.
Its scary to think that we may not feel that electricity again (i didnt even know it was possible) but that electricity didnt fix everything for me. Mine had flaws that i would not want to endure again. I want that electricity again however. I WANT TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE SO THAT I QUIT MAKING HIM SO IMPORTANT...because he was human...and so am i. There are lots of great humans out there...I am one of em. There has to come a time when...we realize...that just because I was attracted to someone intensley (and i am not talking sexual)...that *I* am cable of that again..because I am an attractive person (and i am not talking sexually LOL). I have a really great heart with a capacity to love and nurture and support...and I am now at a point that I am not going to let some guy who was a liar...charming liar...but a user and liar none-theless...leave ME with thinking...he is the end all of life. I can sleep at night..because I have a concience...he can sleep at night because he didn't. That right there...makes me want to go out and GET REWARDED and go reward someone who needs and deserves it. Lots of other reasons.
When you are ready you will feel differently. I too have to mourn the loss of the feeling of loving someone to get there. Lots of different things we mourn in this deal.
I didnt hang onto the "never again" feeling long. I have to know before i die that I am capable of being loved and to love back. I cannot let this horrible experience make me an old lady with no one. Ive been alone for a long time before him. LONNNNNNNNNNNNG time. I am not turning backwards...i got a taste of what i realllly do want in life. It was a taste..now I want the whole cake and I can because I am single. Gotta look at the upsides of things when they turn crappy...that is what I have to force myself to do otherwise i will freak out and start talkin about never this again or aint gonna do that and get fatter and back to square one. lol...nope..i am finally growing up at 39 and going for it....making it happen...gonna do the match.com, gonna talk on aol, gonna take HARMLESS risks in meeting people even if they are just practice dates or dont fill all criteria but important ones. I am going to be active....because rumerating makes me sink. He aint sinking. Why should i mourn enough for both of us?
My EGO needs it in the very least. My heart needs to know there are other human beings...ive actually happened upon one who has turned my head and he is not a manipulator...imagine that...because i was getting a lil paranoid that all men are secretly the way my exmm was etc. I have to go back into the light and start seeing the whole human race and not make anyone pay for it while keeping mindful of the landmines.
Babysteps,
Lizzie
(((Crissy707)
<<>>
Sweetie,
You are still grieving. I'm 9 months out and still have my days. BUT, the good news is that you are much younger than me, and in my lifetime I had 4 relationships that I thought were *IT*. Trust me, you will fall again. And next time you will go into it with wisdom, strength and knowledge from the lessons you are learning now. Be patient with your heart. You have plenty of time to test drive it again.
Id
9 months and you still have your days....I don't want to have days like this 9 months from now.
It's OVER (I know I have said it fifty million times before on this board) but now my heart knows for sure. He changed once DH returned. I was still trying to hold on though. Knew I shouldn't but felt the need to continue. He distanced himself. I don't know how he did it, but it's done now. Months and months of talking to each other daily, nights spent together, email after email and NOW there is NOTHING. Never thought he would be like this not to me....I after all was "different and special!" Yeah right!!!!!
I keep saying to myself and out loud...."You are married to a wonderful man. Get a grip. It was what it was. It was never going to be anything more than that!" But how can a put such little significance to something that changed who I am FOREVER. I have been changed forever!!!! FOREVER!! I know I am capable of picking up the pieces and moving forward. I am a resilent woman. I just don't know how to do it right this minute, today. I feel weak. I feel like a fool. I feel low. I have had many heart breaks in my life, but this one is so very different. It's smothering. It's all consuming. It hurts like heck. And the one person who I can turn to with anything, I can't share it with...my DH.
Just venting.
SS
Geeesh Sunshine,
I forgot you are married. Your heart should be given back to your husband 100% or leave him so he can get that from someone else.
Be grateful your XOM is leaving you alone. That means he respects you and the decision to end it. Not all xAP's are that considerate. You probably don't recall, but I work with my XMM EVERYDAY, so yes, after 9 months I still have my days. BUT he has never made me feel uncomfortable ONCE, since I asked him to respect my decision to end us. That's true caring and respect and we are giving it to one another by no longer participating in behavior that could have destoyed many. We are back to business associates with laughs. That's it. Over and out.
Give it some time. His memory will fade but you need to do your part in creating new ones with your family.
Id