i thought i was doing better till today
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| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:09pm |
i'm finding myself thinking things like.....well, maybe, since i'm married VERY unhappily, with absolutely no relationship with my husband (for 10 years now!), and he's very unhappily married, and although i want a divorce more than anything i don't know when i'll be able to get it.....it could actually be another 4 or 5 years for me.....why can't i just accept all of the wonderful things i got from the relationship i had with him, all the love, affection, incredible sex.....why can't i just take all of the good things and accept the limitations of the relationship?....WHY???.....this has been the question that has driven me crazy for years.....i haven't been able to figure out WHY i just can't do that.....can anyone in an affair do that if they're married and they know they're not going to be available for a relationship with a single man in the near future??.....maybe i should ask on the affair board, or do they all eventually wind up here???.... because i keep thinking that if only i could HANDLE IT, then i wouldn't have to be giving it all up.....i just don't know what's right or wrong anymore (and i don't mean morally, just right or wrong for me).....
i think the fact that it's new year's eve tomorrow has something to do with it.....holidays in general are tough, but new year's is especially difficult......for four years, we've always found some way to contact each other at midnight to say happy new year, and i love you, and doing that was something that was really important to both of us......and i've known for weeks now that this would be a really difficult night, and that knowing that midnight would come and we wouldn't be contacting each other was going to be unbearable........and i guess i'm already feeling it, and just don't want to go through the day and night tomorrow......i just can't bear the thought of being in a house full of people who are just thinking it's just another ordinary day, another ordinary new year's, and having to chat about whatever, when i don't want to be there or chat about anything with anyone, and being able to tell no one how i'm feeling......i just can't believe i'm starting a new year without him.....i knew it would happen someday, but i guess i wasn't ready for it.....even though it was me who ended the relationship and thought i was ready for it....
all i know is i need to find a way to pull myself together before i do something that i'll either regret or that will just set us both back or before i just come apart at the seams......
thanks for listening.......

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I hope you have someone in your life to lean on, and if not, lean on this board all you need to. It was my lifeline when I was going through the same pain, and I can tell you that you "will" get through it. Sometimes, all I needed was to vent - and I could always do it here and everyone understood. You know, seeing that others were going through the same pain and living through it was even helpful - it meant I wasn't alone.
I'm sorry I can't be more help, but can only offer an understanding shoulder and the hopefullness that you can make it through. It's sometimes a minute by minute journey, but you "will" make it through. The fact that you're reaching out proves that you will. Best to you....
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