I thought I'd be further along by now
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| Mon, 12-07-2009 - 7:45pm |
Five weeks since the break up and I thought I'd be further along by now. I swear, I must be the most impatient person on earth. I guess I'm not good with stoically dealing with pain - always looking for a quick fix - because waiting it out to get some space and time between me and the end of the A is a living hell. Is this a character trait of people like us, A-havers? that we don't endure pain very well? Seems logical; we mask our pain with bad fixes? Well, at least I do.
Even though I know all the facts, see my xAP in a new light now, know full well the pain of the A and don't want to have that back -- I'm still tempted as all get out to break NC. I struggle with it daily. no, hourly. I cannot believe I am not doing better than this by this time. I'm very disappointed. And, now? that my husband is completely letting me down? now that I am almost certain that I'm headed for divorce, that I am having huge events happen in my life (good and bad) and feel so lonely that I have no one super-special to share them with.... omg, I want to run to my xAP like crazy. ARG. I'm so tired of kicking myself for not being able to move on - faster, better, completely. What the heck is it going to take for me to get over this? I'm not over my xAP and I'm not confident I have the strength to stay on the right path. I mean, I WILL stay on the right path -- I just wish it didn't feel like I'm clawing my way down that path on my bloody hands and knees.
I'm sick of myself. sick of the pity party. sick of the stupidity. sick of the weakness. sick of the immaturity. I'm so over myself.
I'm sorry this post is not supportive or hopeful for others - but I just really needed to vent. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to burst from the pressure.
I love this board. Thank you all for contributing and thanks and congratulations to Iddy, our new leader. It's a big investment in time and energy and I'm very thankful for your guidance.
xo to all,
Dee

Dee...sending a (((BIG HUG)))
You and I ended about the same time. I understand. I have good days, and then I have days like you where I think I should be further along. I think being sick of all the things you listed is a step in the right direction :)
I get particularly perturbed at myself b/c my A was short - 10 wks. I don't have the months/years of memories to contend with. And I don't keep mentioning my A being short b/c I think that fact at all diminishes what I did...I want lurkers to know that emotions run that high, that quick. I fell in love w/ him... and I've done some serious soul-searching over it. Why so quickly and with a man in the end it turned out I really didn't know. All I can figure: I fell for a fantasy...what I thought, or wanted him to be.
As much as I also see xAP and the A for all the things is REALLY was...I have moments where I'm brought to tears...I miss him, but I do get over it. I suppose that will be with us a while.
Hang in there..."This too shall pass".
I'll go back and read your story so we can help each other as we're in the same
Hi
I can relate very well to your post. Just yesterday I had a hard time getting out of bed. All I could do is just close my eyes and think of him. It was a low day. Today a bit better but still had bouts of sadness. I am fortunate to have a friend that I could talk to without her judging me. I thank god for her everyday. I have this board to come to as well. Sometimes I feel as tho nothing will help me :(
I actually asked my friend today.. when will this end. I want it OVER in my head and heart. I feel awful that I am not helping you in your time of need. Just keep coming on here and vent.. do what you have to do but I know it and you know it.. going back will be like starting all OVER again. Sheesh imagine starting all that pain from day one again.. NO WAY! I think about that and it stops me from contacting him to give me that fix.
We were in contact 1 week ago.. prior to that we were NC for almost 2 months. I felt AWFUL when he started with his HOT COLD behavior. We were involved for almost 3 years so it will take some time.
Hang in there... sending you strength
((Dee))
Sometimes pity parties are necessary and venting it here is actually beneficial to those who wonder the same thing re. the slow process in moving forward. The thing is, it *IS* a slow process and there is nothing you can really do but let time work it's magic. 5 weeks is just a drop in the pan, honey. My A lasted 4.5 years and it took a
~Iddy~
I am a tweener, I think. But some things are clear to me. Very clear. I was miserable from the time I knew this man was married till the last day I saw him. The one I fell for, did not exist. I remember nights suddenly where I would always hear I can't talk. I can't talk. He was always available before. But I watched myself settle for him slowly changing everything. He used to sleep over. Now he has to go.
When we met, they were separated (but she was only a girlfriend he has lived with). He would have sex with me and get up and have to leave...it was so self degrading....he took a piece of me everytime he did this. He knew it was hurting me. It was nothing like it used to be. But he did it anyway
I tell you all this to remind you of what your think you may be missing. I see your situation is different, but in the end, the emptyness is the same. I think you are doing very well. I look up to people who had made it as far as you. I am just trying to get thru a day. And yes I think about breaking contact daily, hourly. But what's the point. One of three scenarios oulines in iddys's post will occur. All of which defeat your purpose and goals
this is likely magnified because your problems with H are occuring....natural reaction to turn to someone else
turn to a friend, turn to this board,,,dont turn to him.