i thought this was interesting.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
i thought this was interesting.......
3
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 4:40pm
i received the following passage from someone in an email, and thought it was quite appropriate for so many of us.....i know i had been there, was always waiting for him to figure out what i already thought i knew, that we were meant to be together....sometimes found myself feeling like i was trying to convince him over and over again, thinking that this time he'll SEE IT....he'll see that he can't just walk away from what we have....that it's not possible for someone to walk away from this kind of love....etc., etc.,....

someone i loved almost as much (my first real love) left me many many years ago, and i was crushed and didn't understand for a long time what had happened, and why he left me when i thought he loved me....many years later he said something that helped me to understand....i'll never forget his words....he said "please don't make the mistake of thinking i didn't love you....that would be tragic....i loved you very very much.....but you have to remember one thing....."

and i said, "what?"

and he said, "i left."

those simple words made me understand what i couldn't for twenty years (pathetic, i know)....he walked away from me, even though he did love me, and that says so much....and my xMM has walked away in the sense that he chooses to stay married and not make a life with me....even though ending the affair was my idea, it still FEELS like he left me, in the sense that he is not making the choice to be with me.....this passage arrived in my email at a time when i'm at 8 weeks NC and still crying myself to sleep every night, still missing the hell out of him....i know i can't stay tied to the people who leave me, and that's a great goal, but it's a hell of a lot harder to accomplish than it sounds....

i consider myself a spiritual, but not religious, person, but the bible quotes in the passage really do fit well and make a lot of sense


"I don't want you to try to talk another person into

staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about

you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that

it might be made manifest that they were not for

us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have

continued with us.

People leave you because they are not joined to

you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't

make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't

mean that they are a bad person it just means that

their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over

so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you

something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the

tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.

It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,

and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll

give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I

don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't

belong to you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back,

and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!"



i know this is great advice, and i know it's all true....now i just need the instruction manual to how to make it happen........hang in there everyone......ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:55pm
ADA,

I really was not going to post today! Really! I just really related to your post and wanted to say how great it was! I've been mulling all that over the past 2 days. I sent XMM a picture of the baby on the e-mail on Saturday and I keep checking my e-mail.. just dying for him to write back and tell me what I allready know... that she's beautiful! well he hasn't written back yet and I'm trying to figure out why this bothers me? Why do I need his validation? He hasn't been here for me yet so why would it matter now... I guess I was just thinking and my friends agree "my god, she looks just like him." Why did I think that would change anything? It hasn't AND it shouldn't. I'm tired of waiting for his validation of my life and now hers... how sad! So more now then ever I let it go. The final nail in the coffin... I'm letting it go. I had let go of the idea of him in my life a while ago... I guess I still had the faith that he'd want to share in her life.. silly me. I'm letting go of this man that hurt me so much.

Hope your feeling better... I'm actually feeling better too... I'm still to happy about my little one!

KATJA

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 6:33pm
KATJA.......how lovely to hear from you!.....how is Audrey?....you sound like you're doing well.....i can so relate to what you're saying......i have wondered where the ENDLESS amount of hoping hopelessly comes from.....we just keep hoping that they're going to SEE IT one day.....i did that in my marriage for way too many years....kept thinking that tomorrow, or the next time some particular situation crept up again, or really really soon my H was going to see what the problems were....as if one day this light was going to go off in his head and he was going to transform into someone that he was not.....i hoped through 3 kids, 3 homes, getting older, and half my life......it's amazing how dense i can be......but i finally figured it out......i finally stopped hoping......what a relief that was !!

but here again, i, as you, continually find myself falling back into that hoping trap.......but as i move on, it does get less and less....my only fear is that it will never completely die and i can't bear the thought of periodically having to experience wondering and hoping about xMM, even in the future......i'd like to think it's going to be over completely some day in my mind and heart, but i guess only time will tell......

so i can understand you thinking that beautiful little Audrey would FINALLY open his eyes.....and if that were going to happen, then wonderful...but there has to come a time when we stop holding on to the hope that around the next corner, they'll come to their senses.....because if they're ever going to wake up, they're going to do it whether we're holding our breath or not....and i hate the thought of me waking up in another ten, fifteen, twenty years realizing that i've passed so much time waiting for something that's never happened, and never going to ..... no matter how much we put our lives on hold waiting for it to happen, we can't change the outcome......

i envy you having a newborn to hold!.....i miss those years, and it's such a wonderful feeling being needed like that......hugs to you, katja, and to audrey too!!!.......ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 10:19pm
...it just means that their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over...

wow. this was really inspirational. it's not about "XMM & me." it's not an "us" thing. it's a "me" thing. and it's MY story. and this was but a brief chapter. and i've got to move and live the next chapter of my life.