I told him I can't do this anymore......
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I told him I can't do this anymore......
| Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:29pm |
I got the nerve to tell him that I couldnt go on like this anymore. I think he knew something was up. The last time we were together he kept saying "Something is wrong." He told me that he wouldnt accept that this would be the last time we spoke together and that we would need to see each other again. He went on to say something else and I just hung up the phone. I know he expected me to call him back, but I didnt. He won't call me from his cell phone.... he signals me and has me call him back with my number blocked. This has always annoyed me .... it is a company phone and he is the owner of the company. Who is going to question who he is calling! Anyhow..... I feel sad, relieved, and alone. I know I need to do this for me. He has made it clear he wont leave W again. I told him she is his reality and I am his fantasy. I need to be strong and not weaken. I love him, but know that I need to do this for me. I made it when I got divorced and my ex did everything to hurt me both emotionally and financially. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. I know I am still numb ...... and I know temptation comes when you are at your weakest point. The logical part of me says "you go girl!" But my heart aches......................

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I am standing right there beside you, girl. How strong you are to be able to tell him and walk away!! That takes a lot of courage to do. Please don't feel ashamed or bad that you hurt, or miss him, etc. I'm feeling weak tonight and it's only the 1st full day of NC for me. I told my X-MM yesterday that it was over. Wow. I've never referred to him as x-MM before. that sounds very weird. and I never thought I'd be saying it. Do I still love him? Of course. That doesn't change overnight. But I know I am doing what is best for myself and my family.
But you know what? Deep down inside, I know that I don't need him. I don't need him to make me feel special, attractive, or loved. There could be a thousand MM's telling me all those things and I would still have that empty feeling inside. It's a space that no one can fill but myself. Tonight I downloaded "Self-Reliance" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I'm going to read it and see if I can draw out some of that inner strength that I know is down there. It's just been covered up, that's all.
Know that you are not alone in this. Our hearts will ache, but we will forget about that someday. That I believe.
Keep a journal. Buy yourself a nice, leather bound one. Write whenever you feel the need. Go back and run your fingers over the pages that you've written on. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you are going through right now. Let the tears fall. And when you're ready, dust yourself off and go on.
I found a good quote today. An oldie, but a goodie. I think it's by Robert Frost.
"In three words I can sum up everything that I have learned about life. It goes on."
Hugs,
Comp
He has told you that he won't leave his wife. Why stay with him?? What's in it for you? Bits and pieces?? Why is that okay for you??
I am divorced too. My eX put me through a lot of turmoil, emotionally, financially and with 2 kids. I've been through a lot and I believe that is why I was weak and vulnerable enough to go along with the affair when I started. He (MM) made me feel so good and I let myself enjoy the attention that he gave me. My eX abandoned my kids and I, dropped everything in my lap. I had a lot of pieces to pick up and hold together. This was the exact time that MM came into my life. So, yes I was weak. No excuses though, my eyes were wide open.
Every one's situation is unique. But then, they are all the same in a way. So learn from it. You lived this for a reason.
I hope you don't go back and forth though.
That my dear, is Hell!
~Love
My advice to you is to continue no contact. If he is to leave he will on his own. If he contacts you, ask for some proof that he is doing what he says.
My MM asked me to stay when I broke off our relationship. He said he would leave because he decided that he doesn't want to live the way that he has, realized that he needed to end his marriage because he couldn't continue in it anymore. I wasn't willing to be his OW anymore. Wasn't willing to tolerate being "on the side". I see his actions, and I am here for him. It's different for us now. Interesting how our relationship has evolved from this affair. But getting back to you. What I want to say to you is that I understand that you are hopeful, I understand that you love him. Are you willing to be his OW forever? You will waste so many weeks, months, years (potentially) waiting for this man when it doesn't sound like he is committed at all to you. His commitment lies with his wife. I would bet that he is having sex with her. Every night as she is trying to rebuild with him.
This is okay with you?????
Thanks for your input.
The issues will never go away unless he gets off the fence. He is married. He has a wife. He is not leaving. Eventually I became disgusted with myself. Knowing that I am not worth having a half a** relationship. Knowing that I will have a broken heart, but that I can do it on my own anyway. Knowing that I was sick of and finally didn't want to settle for less. All or nothing, not second best, not half of a man.
I hope you feel this way now. This will prevent you from calling if you do. I felt like a fool after a while. I knew that after he left me whether we were at my place or out to lunch, he went back to his house. I knew that he slept with her. I knew that I was sharing a man with another woman. Sure there were no strings but it had progressed to the point where I (in a normal relationship) would have wanted it to go to the next level. I had to stop the maddness for my own sanity. That is why I said that you will be in Hell if you go back.
If you call him, he will persuade you to stay involved with him. Think of the example you are setting for your kids. If they don't know, they will eventually. You can't be out in the open with this relationship. How would you explain it to the kids if you see him and his wife in public? Does he have kids too? My kids had questions. It was not easy.
Anyway, I wish you luck. I know it's a tough situation. One that I still find surprising that I let myself be in. I truly believe that people come into our lives for a reason; for us to learn, or for changes to be made, for us to be with them for a lifetime, or all of the above.
I hope you are sick of the game and have grown through your own strength and experiences to not accept less for yourself.
If you go back to him, don't kick yourself in the a**. You have to do what's right for you no matter what that is and no matter what anyone says. I hope you stick around on this board.
Good Luck
~Love
My sons are older now..... both are out of the house.... but it would still be very hard explaining MM to them. I have NEVER had an A before. Even when my marriage was at its worse. MM met me at a vulnerable time in my life. Yes, I agree that things happen for a reason and sometimes just for a season. My season has lasted too long and I MUST MOVE ON! I deserve better..... we all do!
Thanks for you support and help!
(((Hugs))) I know this is hard, and painful. You're doing good...
~Love
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