I told him I can't do this anymore......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
I told him I can't do this anymore......
17
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:29pm
I got the nerve to tell him that I couldnt go on like this anymore. I think he knew something was up. The last time we were together he kept saying "Something is wrong." He told me that he wouldnt accept that this would be the last time we spoke together and that we would need to see each other again. He went on to say something else and I just hung up the phone. I know he expected me to call him back, but I didnt. He won't call me from his cell phone.... he signals me and has me call him back with my number blocked. This has always annoyed me .... it is a company phone and he is the owner of the company. Who is going to question who he is calling! Anyhow..... I feel sad, relieved, and alone. I know I need to do this for me. He has made it clear he wont leave W again. I told him she is his reality and I am his fantasy. I need to be strong and not weaken. I love him, but know that I need to do this for me. I made it when I got divorced and my ex did everything to hurt me both emotionally and financially. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. I know I am still numb ...... and I know temptation comes when you are at your weakest point. The logical part of me says "you go girl!" But my heart aches......................

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:04pm
Sweet,

I am standing right there beside you, girl. How strong you are to be able to tell him and walk away!! That takes a lot of courage to do. Please don't feel ashamed or bad that you hurt, or miss him, etc. I'm feeling weak tonight and it's only the 1st full day of NC for me. I told my X-MM yesterday that it was over. Wow. I've never referred to him as x-MM before. that sounds very weird. and I never thought I'd be saying it. Do I still love him? Of course. That doesn't change overnight. But I know I am doing what is best for myself and my family.

But you know what? Deep down inside, I know that I don't need him. I don't need him to make me feel special, attractive, or loved. There could be a thousand MM's telling me all those things and I would still have that empty feeling inside. It's a space that no one can fill but myself. Tonight I downloaded "Self-Reliance" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I'm going to read it and see if I can draw out some of that inner strength that I know is down there. It's just been covered up, that's all.

Know that you are not alone in this. Our hearts will ache, but we will forget about that someday. That I believe.

Keep a journal. Buy yourself a nice, leather bound one. Write whenever you feel the need. Go back and run your fingers over the pages that you've written on. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you are going through right now. Let the tears fall. And when you're ready, dust yourself off and go on.

I found a good quote today. An oldie, but a goodie. I think it's by Robert Frost.

"In three words I can sum up everything that I have learned about life. It goes on."


Hugs,

Comp

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:11pm
I know this is hard for you. The longer things continued in the context of having the affair and the secrecy involved, the more disgusted with myself I became. Just sick of the lying and sneaking and not being able to be open with the relationship. Made me and still makes me feel very bad. The behaviors associated with the affair are intolerable to me. I can and do understand how you feel and the longer you stay strong and maintain your integrity, the better you will feel. In time.

He has told you that he won't leave his wife. Why stay with him?? What's in it for you? Bits and pieces?? Why is that okay for you??

I am divorced too. My eX put me through a lot of turmoil, emotionally, financially and with 2 kids. I've been through a lot and I believe that is why I was weak and vulnerable enough to go along with the affair when I started. He (MM) made me feel so good and I let myself enjoy the attention that he gave me. My eX abandoned my kids and I, dropped everything in my lap. I had a lot of pieces to pick up and hold together. This was the exact time that MM came into my life. So, yes I was weak. No excuses though, my eyes were wide open.

Every one's situation is unique. But then, they are all the same in a way. So learn from it. You lived this for a reason.

I hope you don't go back and forth though.

That my dear, is Hell!

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:37pm
I just read your post from yesterday. You mentioned that your MM said that he wants to leave his wife for you but everyone has convinced him to stay. He has the business, financial concerns, and his wife will fight for him.

My advice to you is to continue no contact. If he is to leave he will on his own. If he contacts you, ask for some proof that he is doing what he says.

My MM asked me to stay when I broke off our relationship. He said he would leave because he decided that he doesn't want to live the way that he has, realized that he needed to end his marriage because he couldn't continue in it anymore. I wasn't willing to be his OW anymore. Wasn't willing to tolerate being "on the side". I see his actions, and I am here for him. It's different for us now. Interesting how our relationship has evolved from this affair. But getting back to you. What I want to say to you is that I understand that you are hopeful, I understand that you love him. Are you willing to be his OW forever? You will waste so many weeks, months, years (potentially) waiting for this man when it doesn't sound like he is committed at all to you. His commitment lies with his wife. I would bet that he is having sex with her. Every night as she is trying to rebuild with him.

This is okay with you?????

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:19am
Thanks for your input. Your divorce and affair situation sounds a lot like mine. My ex left me with 2 kids, the bills, and sadness. MM came into my life shortly after and made me feel loved again. He called 4 times tonight and left a message.... begging me to call him in the morning. I wont call.... I must be strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:28am
MM has called 4 times tonight and I have not answered. He left a long msg begging me to call him tomorrow. He says he doesnt want to end it this way. That he wants to see me again. I will be strong and continue NC. I need to be whole again. I deserve better.

Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:35am
MM called 4 times tonight. He left a lengthy message the first time begging me to call him tomorrow. He said he wouldnt call me. Then a couple hours later he calls again. He says he cant end it like this and that he needs to see me again. I will be strong... need to be strong. I hope it does get easier.... I have asked two very close friends to help me get through this. Hopefully, between their support and online support I can make it through these hard times. I wish you the best of luck also. We both know how difficult it is to love someone who we cant have. Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 7:35am
I know you are tempted to call him back and end it "face to face". During my affair with MM this happened also. Many times I tried to end it, pulled away from him. He always pulled me back. Wouldn't let go. I love him and gave in each time. But each time I did, it took a little bit away from my spirit because after some time the issues bubbled up to the surface again.

The issues will never go away unless he gets off the fence. He is married. He has a wife. He is not leaving. Eventually I became disgusted with myself. Knowing that I am not worth having a half a** relationship. Knowing that I will have a broken heart, but that I can do it on my own anyway. Knowing that I was sick of and finally didn't want to settle for less. All or nothing, not second best, not half of a man.

I hope you feel this way now. This will prevent you from calling if you do. I felt like a fool after a while. I knew that after he left me whether we were at my place or out to lunch, he went back to his house. I knew that he slept with her. I knew that I was sharing a man with another woman. Sure there were no strings but it had progressed to the point where I (in a normal relationship) would have wanted it to go to the next level. I had to stop the maddness for my own sanity. That is why I said that you will be in Hell if you go back.

If you call him, he will persuade you to stay involved with him. Think of the example you are setting for your kids. If they don't know, they will eventually. You can't be out in the open with this relationship. How would you explain it to the kids if you see him and his wife in public? Does he have kids too? My kids had questions. It was not easy.

Anyway, I wish you luck. I know it's a tough situation. One that I still find surprising that I let myself be in. I truly believe that people come into our lives for a reason; for us to learn, or for changes to be made, for us to be with them for a lifetime, or all of the above.

I hope you are sick of the game and have grown through your own strength and experiences to not accept less for yourself.

If you go back to him, don't kick yourself in the a**. You have to do what's right for you no matter what that is and no matter what anyone says. I hope you stick around on this board.

Good Luck

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:36am
I applaud you. Do not answer and give him any closure, because he does not DESERVE any kind of closure from you. Move on. Be strong. Be honest. That's the way to live.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 1:52am
I have been very strong today! He has called and left messages all day long. He even drove by my work as I was pulling out of the parking lot. He pulled up along side of me and I wouldnt even look at him. On several messages he begged me to meet him tonight. Said he was going to be out by my way. I know he drove by ... I saw his vehicle. I had my house dark and my car in the garage so he wouldnt know I was home. He is going on a trip with some friends tomorrow and it is killing him that I havent answered his calls. He is trying every method to get me to talk to him face to face. He knows I would melt if I saw him.

My sons are older now..... both are out of the house.... but it would still be very hard explaining MM to them. I have NEVER had an A before. Even when my marriage was at its worse. MM met me at a vulnerable time in my life. Yes, I agree that things happen for a reason and sometimes just for a season. My season has lasted too long and I MUST MOVE ON! I deserve better..... we all do!

Thanks for you support and help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 8:18am
Yes, he wants what he can't have. Hang in there. Go out with the girls. Do you live in Eastern PA?? I'll go out with you, we'll have some fun! Paint the town!! LOL! I applaud your strength. He's married, keep telling yourself that. He's married and he's not leaving and he's sleeping with his wife. Make it your mantra!!

(((Hugs))) I know this is hard, and painful. You're doing good...

~Love

Love

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