I told my husband
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I told my husband
| Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:25pm |
Hello. I am new to this board. My affair ended 6 months ago after 4 years. It was a horrible horrible experience. I have been married for 1o years. My husband was terrific before we married, then soon after the marriage it changed. For years, I have been begging him to talk to me. I would ask "Are you happy?" "Do you want to have children"
"Have I done something" "What's wrong with me?" etc. etc. etc. I tried to get him to go to counseling. I could not get him to become involved in having a child with me. I literally got no response. When I say no response, I mean no response. The most information that I got was "I don't know". He went to counseing with me twice and then never went back. The counselors were warm and gentle but they could not get any information out of him either. He never wanted to spend time with me and he spent most of his time in front of the TV or on the computer. My affair began 5 years into my marriage. I have finally begun to heal from the pain of my affair. He ended it and decided to go back to his family. 4 months ago I decided to tell my husband the truth. I was hoping that maybe he would open up to me and talk if I just came clean and put all of my cards on the table. He decided to move out for awhile, understandably. Shortly after that, I discovered that he had an addiction to pornography on the computer. Once again, upon that discovery, I was hoping that he would open up to me and that we could try to work on our marriage honestly, with no secrets. He refuses. He says that he can no longer trust me at all.
I understand that, however, didn't he have an affair of sorts with pornography? I never understood why he stopped wanting to be intimate with me or if he did it was "wham bam".
(I am not a prude. I know that people view internet pornography. I just did not know that he was doing it daily.) Have any of you had this problem? I thought that coming clean about my affair was the only honest thing to do in my marriage. I thought that he would then take some responsiblity for his neglect in our marriage. I turns out that he knew about the affair for some time before I told him and he did not even confront me? Was my disclosure of my affair just his way out?
"Have I done something" "What's wrong with me?" etc. etc. etc. I tried to get him to go to counseling. I could not get him to become involved in having a child with me. I literally got no response. When I say no response, I mean no response. The most information that I got was "I don't know". He went to counseing with me twice and then never went back. The counselors were warm and gentle but they could not get any information out of him either. He never wanted to spend time with me and he spent most of his time in front of the TV or on the computer. My affair began 5 years into my marriage. I have finally begun to heal from the pain of my affair. He ended it and decided to go back to his family. 4 months ago I decided to tell my husband the truth. I was hoping that maybe he would open up to me and talk if I just came clean and put all of my cards on the table. He decided to move out for awhile, understandably. Shortly after that, I discovered that he had an addiction to pornography on the computer. Once again, upon that discovery, I was hoping that he would open up to me and that we could try to work on our marriage honestly, with no secrets. He refuses. He says that he can no longer trust me at all.
I understand that, however, didn't he have an affair of sorts with pornography? I never understood why he stopped wanting to be intimate with me or if he did it was "wham bam".
(I am not a prude. I know that people view internet pornography. I just did not know that he was doing it daily.) Have any of you had this problem? I thought that coming clean about my affair was the only honest thing to do in my marriage. I thought that he would then take some responsiblity for his neglect in our marriage. I turns out that he knew about the affair for some time before I told him and he did not even confront me? Was my disclosure of my affair just his way out?
He is already seeing someone whose husband is also a "cheater" as he puts it. I just feel ripped apart inside. I am blaming myself for everything. I have taken full responsiblity for my affair and I know that there is no excuse for it.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know if I can be of any help to you but I wanted you to know that the other poster that was MEAN is not a regular poster here I have never seen a post from that person before, most likely a BS like your husband, hang around tel monday or tusday and you will meet the normal crowd.
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE
It is hard to say if your husbands PORN problem contributated to the marriage problems are was a result of them.
I have to admit I am wondering if he was cheating all long with this other woman and just used your addmision of guilt as a way to go public with the relationship.
There is not a lot you can do were he is concerned but you can begin to work on the things about you that you do not like, start rebuilding your self-esteem and self-respect if they suffered from the affair, in most women they seem to quiet badly.
Hang in there and your going to meet some great ladies around here.
Free
tb
Big hugs....honey, that first poster was a troll--a bitter angry person--and I'm sorry that person was the first person to respond. You will find that the women (and occasional men) are very compassionate and kind.
I don't have much time now...but wanted to respond quickly. Honey, it does not sound like you could've saved the marriage. Your h was woefully neglectful of you from the beginning--and despite your attempts to hold it together, he was showing you that he was just not interested (or more likely had some deep unresolved personal stuff going on). I understand how you got to the affair---my reasonings were similar (not that it makes it right or it justifies it).
My suggestion is to get into therapy and work on YOURSELF....look at what is going on for you and how you got to the place where you are. You cannot change or control your h's actions. (in my opinion, your h was almost abusive in his lack of emotional response to you---it left you in a position to beg, therefore giving him the 'power and control' in the marriage). He doesn't want to take responsibility for what led you there? Well, again you cannot change or control that. It comes down to letting it go---and trust me, it is the HARDEST thing in life you'll ever learn to do.
Please come back and keep reading and posting....it will be a tremendous help.
Big hugs!
dharma
I will be out of town for 1 week, but I will be back. While I am gone, my husband will be moving his things out, etc. Please pray for me and send me some good karma. I am going to need it.
Ladder