I told W, I know wrong
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| Mon, 06-07-2004 - 7:10am |
I found out about a yr into the relationship, due to too many unanswered questions, that he had been married for 30 yrs, 2 grown daughters..now 30 and 22 yrs old. I dont know why I stayed when I found out, but I did. I was so in love with him. We have had many arguemrnts since then about him leaving and when since then. 3 dates have passed and nothing changed..always excuses..mind you I am 40, was married 18yrs, now D, he is 54.
We spent alot of time together, one reason it took me so long to discovery his M.I thought for sure if he was M, how could he spend so much time w/ me. I mean many overnight stays at my house, many Saturdays out, visits during day. I was hospitalized last yr for 8 days..( I had know by then) he was there everyday all day. Helped me recovered..took me to occupational therapy, to the drs often. Until January, he came with me to every appt I had.
But I was tired of waiting and told him 2 weeks ago I was going to date.He went nuts, we argued, he called me horrible names and I became very angry. I thought he had no right to be jealous I would date and no right to talk to me that way. I called W and told her.I know wrong, but I cant change it now.
I spoke w/ MM 2 days after and a few times since them ..his older DS wont speak to him now and he blames me.He blows me off most times..tells me he needs time to HEAL with his daughter. I dont understand if the M dead like he told me and the daughters saw they both
did thier own thing...why is she crushed now at 30 yrs old?
Time whats that mean? I am so heart broken..I know brought on by myself....I want him to listen to me so he will know how he has hurt me and destroyed me with his lies, yet he wont give me 5 mins.
This is so hard...I cry one minute and am angry with him the next.
In case anyone mentions I am in counseling. my next appt is WED this week.How do I stop the hurt..its killing me.
Hope

{{{{Big hugs to you}}}} I am so sorry that you are hurting. Yes, you know that it was not a good thing to talk to his wife. You pretty much burned your bridge and nothing will be the same. I know it hurts. But, I have come to realize that burning an affair bridge may not be the worst thing in the world. You know what you did was wrong - so now move forward instead of back. It is painful and you will hurt. My advice is to let it go. It is not an outsider's place analyze their marriage. It won't help and you'd probably just drive yourself mad with guessing anyway. Think about it... the guy lied to you for A YEAR!!!! They are cowards (take it from me) and they can't deal with reality. I never advocate telling a spouse (EVER)... but, when it happens, I'm pretty much of the opinion of "oh, well. He played and now he pays." I'm also of the opinion that their bad marriage and willingness to stay in it and live that way is no one else's problem but theirs. I know it may be harsh thinking... but, I think it's true. Again, these guys are the ultimate in cowards. They want it all for themselves.
A little story about something that happened this weekend... I was going to paint my brick fireplace and went into a little neighborhood paint store. The owner was this late 50-something guy with too much cologne and liked to talk a lot. Salt and pepper gray and balding, short and stout. We were the only two people in the store, at the time. He was very animated and probably was a real smooze with the women at one time. He was some Mediterranean heritage, no doubt. He said he loved to dance. Anyway, I had some time on my hands, so I started talking with him. During the conversation, he mentioned he was going on some trip to a caribbean island with his sister who was going through a bad divorce after 30 years of marriage. He was saying that she was starting to date again now that her divorce was almost complete. She wasn't having much luck with men. He shook his head and said, "women shop for men like they are picking out curtains or something." I thought that was the funniest analogy... and coming from a man... Anyway, he went on to say that when a man starts to date a woman, the man takes a little piece of his heart at the beginning and gives it to her. (He pinches his two fingers together to indicate a little bit.) The woman, in return he said, hands him her whole heart. (He shakes his head some more.) He said, "what women need to do when they are starting to date a man is to put most of their heart in the freezer, and take out little pieces occasionally, until the man has given his whole heart first." He said that a man never gives his whole heart from the beginning - just pieces at a time. I just stood there looking at him ... wondering how he knew me so well ... wondering why was he telling me this ... then, I gobbled up my cardboard box of paint supplies he had so neatly packed for me in the process of this advice and I thanked him and left.
Needless to say... I walked out of that store in a fog. I could have gone to Home Depot where no one ever talks to you or helps you :) But, I chose that little paint store that day. Here's this guy that I have never met... I have a ten minute conversation with him ... Normally, I never would have given him the ten minutes because my life is a never-ending scramble to get somewhere reeeallly important. I actually sat there and listened to him. And, call it "God works in mysterious ways" or guardian angel or something ... but, this guy gave me the most valuable piece of advice I probably ever needed... Out of the blue... relationship advice from an middle-aged man in a paint store. I got home and could still smell his cheap cologne. Now, I want to pass it on to you.
So, Hope, what to do? Do nothing and put your heart in the freezer. Your MM gave you a scrap of himself and you gave him your whole heart in return. Take your heart back. Realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do. You tried to control the situation by telling his wife. Controlling the uncontrollable never works. I could go on and on about how much of a scumbag this guy was ... ya di ya di ya ... and how wrong you were to tell her...I also know that it doesn't matter how much of a dirtbag he was if you loved him. Again, we put more consideration into buying curtains than finding a decent guy. You wouldn't buy ripped and dirty curtains and then display them proudly, would you? Right now, my best advice is for you to work on you. You can't work on them. Find something you like to do and start doing it today. It can be something as simple as reading a book. Force yourself to do it. (Why do you think I was painting my fireplace??? To try to forget about my MM). You won't be very focused at the beginning - so, be gentle with yourself. Keep telling yourself that you know it hurts. But, you will survive and be stronger for it. And stop trying to control the situation. Everytime you catch yourself trying to control, know that it would be equivalent to smashing your head into a brick wall... just as painful and useless.
Take care and post often...
Bird
To the original poster, I feel for you. A lot of us are still experiencing the fresh pain as well, even over a month into this. I too told the W in anger and rage. She knew of the A, but she didn't know how far it went. He always lied and told her it was strictly an emotional one. At this point I don't know if she confronted him about it yet, but it's very easy for the MM to blame the OW for "ruining his life". That way they don't really have to look at what they are doing wrong. As long as the W knows, they are OK. Well it's not OK. Yes you (and me as well) did wrong by telling the W, but what's done is done. You have to forgive yourself first. Take care of you! It will be a long, hard and heartbreaking process of letting this go, but in the end just remember that you deserve so much more than this. We all do.
I've gotten a lot of peace and a lot of inspiration from the posts on this board...I used to feel like the only one out there in my situation (LOL). Knowing I'm not and learning from others' experiences helps alot...so keep reading,keep posting and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers....