I took 2 steps back today
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I took 2 steps back today
| Mon, 04-26-2010 - 11:45pm |
I want to start out by saying I feel like a fool. It started out on Sat. I went to the pizza shop where xap and I are friends with the owner. He told me xap was in there on Friday night and that he is back with his x. I was so upset. I did not sleep well that night and I knew he was out with his best friend. (that is my BF boyfriend) I just kept dreaming of xap and his x. I finally got up at 6 am on Sunday and went about my day feeling very frustrated and angry with him. Was this a game for him so it got back to me? I believe so. Then today he was coming by to fill out a landlord statement with my coworker. I left the shelter so I would not have to see him. When I got back after really wasting time I pulled in the driveway and there he was! I was not ready to see him again. I needed to tell him that the paint needed to be fixed up. It was like he did not want to look at me. He finally did and my heart just started beating so fast. It was a rush of emotions. I quickly went into the house. I could not stop feeling so bad! WHY WHY WHY? I decided to go see a client and I did that and while driving up the road. There he was again! I just kept thinking and thinking of him. I finally broke down texting him saying..... I know you do not want to speak with me but I just want to tell you that I am doing the very best I can to still help you from afar to rent your apartments, I still don't understand what I did to upset you but I will respect the fact you want nothing to do with me. I do want to tell you I miss you.

((MAB))
It's alright as most of us here does.
(((Mab)))
I am sad to hear that you learned the hard way that any contact after the A ends makes this worse, makes us more confused hurt and angry than the lack of contact. At least that's what I have found - as well as many of the other women here. He is a user. You know that. You can see that. So now you have to ask yourself whether or not you are going to continue to assist an bleep-hole with his life at the risk of it setting you back each and every time you have to see him, read his name, hear your co-worker talk about the apartments, whatever. You do not have to be in a low contact situation with him. You are choosing to be by continuing to put his needs/feelings ahead of your own. Please stop Mab. Please see how destructive he is to you.
On a different but related note - I wonder if it might be questionable for you to be giving business to an exAP?? I know in my practice we are not allowed to refer business to our family/friends.
Well - Mab, the good news is that this painful journey will stop when you decide it will. And then the healing can begin. No more new wounds. Wouldn't that be great?
My best to you today. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you are making some decisions, starting today, to put yourself first and his needs/cares/concerns at the curb.
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Mab,
I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of welcoming you to EAS. I have read your previous posts.
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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.