I tried, but I just can't do it.
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| Wed, 02-02-2005 - 3:31pm |
I wanted so badly to have NC with him. I just cannot. I was so proud of myself. I went an entire day and up until the next morning without talking/emailing/text messaging him. Then he called me crying and telling me how much he loves me and I am right back 100% into it again. I want to stop. I am so tired of hurting all the time and crying myself to sleep, when I am able to sleep that is. But I just cannot not talk to or see him.
Oh, yah, I know I said I wouldn't come back on here, but I just can't stay away from here either! Does that mean that you are going to hurt me like he does????? Just kidding. I just feel a lot of comfort when I am on here and reading what everyone is going through and I soak up the advice and support like a sponge. I really need you guys!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!
Kelly

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Dear Kelly,
I know what you mean about feeling free to express yourself to the people here. I too am trying to quit my A but when the OP does not want to and does not seem to relate to how guilty we feel it can be hard to get out of it. I just think one step at a time. I know I am making progress in that direction and I am sure you are too. Sometimes you can't see/feel your progress but it is there.
I have a good friend that I told about my affair to (it is a 3 year affair) as it can be really difficult hiding it from people who spend a lot of time with you. I do not want to be a liar and cheater to everyone I even hope to not be one with my husband. Well... my good friend was devastated! She will not tell my husband (she does hope things will get better for us) but no longer wants to be my friend because she thinks that if I can be so cruel to my husband that I must not be a truly good person. She wants nothing to do with me and our children are really close too so this is a hard hit.
I do not feel as if I am a "bad" person or unloveable because I fell in love with two people but it is not right to make "forever fidelity" vows then break them without informing the other party. I hope for your sake, you can break it off because it gets more and more complicated as time goes on. If you both have managed to see one another without being caught it can be hard to get a divorce or to end the affair because you both have been "cake-eaters" The problem is... it starts to effect other areas of your life where if you were not partaking in an incorrect relationship those scenarios would not come to pass.
Good luck - I know I need some too.
Been there. Having him sounding so sad and telling me how much he loves and misses me. Did it every time. I think men have this knowledge of us that if they say the right things, they're back in. And if any of them come to this board, they will know that sometimes that is all it takes for us to take them back.
It worked on me a few times, before I got tired of HEARING how much he loved me, rather than SHOWING me. I got tired of crying over him, and you will too. If you're not ready, you're not ready, but why keep torturing yourself another minute? You are wasting precious time.
Letting go is hard. Let there be no doubt about it. But ask yourself are you REALLY happy with him, or is it because it's just so damn hard to let go? I think me and my XMM held on so long to a relationship longer than we should have because of how badly it sucked to break up. NOT a good enough reason to stay.
Kelly
Ending an affair is in some ways like quiting smoking or any other nasty habit, if at first you do not succeed keep trying it will stick sooner or later.
After a while his sob story will not push your sympathy buttons anymore and you will see that his actions are what tell the truth about him not his empty words.
Jmho
Free
I can completely understand how you feel. I am trying to do NC too, but it doesn't seem to be working too well. We work together, so I have to see him every day. Some days we have had NC, but most days we are IM back and forth. I guess it just gets hard to break the habit of talking to him everyday. We haven't seen each other since the NC rule started, but we have talked way too much to call this NC! I have promised myself that this time will be different. I mean it, I just don't know what is wrong with me in not being able to carry it out 100%. I guess all we can do is try our best and stay strong and hope each day is better than the next. When he contacts me, I can't stop myself from talking back to him. Now I am starting to feel down on myself for not sticking to the NC rule. It was my idea in the first place. How do we stick to it???
I just wanted to say I relate to what every one of you has posted. I do not want to be in this limbo situation anymore. I want to stop. But working with him makes it sooo hard. It also doesn't help that he doesn't want to stop. He knows how to reel me back in. And honestly, he is emotionally attached to me too. It is so hard. We have tried to break up 4 times this year only to come back with more passion.
If I felt happier about my M and if my H were more exciting, not depressed, had a higher libido, had a little bit of zest for life, had interest in doing things WITH me, perhaps I would not want to stray. Yes we talk about it, blah blah blah. Yes I feel guilty and awful for betraying him (I don't think I can take another post telling me how awful I am for being a liar and a cheat - I KNOW!) It is beyond morals - it is about stopping an addiction. It is about not having the guts to face the devastation of letting go and saying goodbye to someone who has been such an intimate part of my life.
I just can't seem to get there! But as one of you posted - I know there will come a day (I HOPE) when the torture of the R outweighs the torture of breaking up. I only wish that were now.
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} to all of you that are struggling to make the right choices for yourself. I sympathize.
Lov
>" it is about stopping an addiction. It is about not having the guts to face the devastation of letting go and saying goodbye to someone who has been such an intimate part of my life."<
There's a lot of truth in that statement for most posters.
One other fact is that you have to stop blaming your husbands short comings as you see them for your actions you and I alone are responsible for the mess we made of our lives, a major step forward is to really own our responsibility for what we have done the power is ours to change if we really want to, no man can force us into a affair and if they do not respect and support your decision to end it how good a friend are they really.
Jmho
Free
"One other fact is that you have to stop blaming your husbands short comings "
free,
I don't know how to do this. I want to forgive and accept my H for who he is, but when I do that, I am also faced with a future filled with lonliness, sexual dissatisfaction, and what feel like a prison sentence. But my H IS my family, andI love him. If I really wanted to leave, I would (I think - maybeI am just abig wimp and cannot handle being alone. But when I stop and think about it I know that isn't true - I do love him.)
I don't see how I can go on in my M faithfully, and become fully devoted when there are so many flaws in the R that leads to such deep unhappiness. I am stuck.
Loves
This is not sugar coated nor malicious in intent, know that ok? Just some hard truths as I see it.
lovesec writes: <<>>>
If you feel this way...what makes you think you are doing your Husband any service by staying? What service are you giving yourself by staying? A roof over your head, someone that will always be there for you no matter how dispassionate you feel or what state your affair is in? Yes, You do know "what" to do ...read up on divorce so you know "how" to do it.
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Do you love him? More than just a brother? Read the first paragraph. I say not. You THINK you cannot handle being alone. People live on their own ALLLLLLLLLL the time. (I've never been married). You are a passionate person with a job. I guess perspective is everything. I have no family, no kids etc. If i was better looking I'd probably have someone in my life because apparently I cannot snag someone on my personality alone...because I've developed a great personality even with HUGH major set backs because of why I have no family. I really resent when people say "i dont think I can be alone". Millions of people do just that...they leave because they don't want to be cake-eaters, or co-dependent or because of circumstances. I don't ever buy that excuse from adults who do not have children to keep in mind ( am i correct in assuming you don't have kids because they are not mentioned. If you do have kids....why are they not mentioned ever?)
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You answer your own dilemma right there..yet at the end you stay you are stuck. Thats crap. You choose to be stuck on the fence post and that is not what you are seeing. YOU have choices. This didnt HAPPEN to you. You are seeing reality a lil bit when you and your MM are cooled off. I think you might be addicted to the drama, you are afraid of the banality of being on your own. My exMM for example. His duplicity has been so ingrained in His everyday married life for 10yrs...that he cannot wrap his mind around how everyday people live. He gets what he needs from his marriage (he married young...never on his own...is afraid to be alone..he sees her more like a sister...has his laundry done..his needs met...somewhere to run to when the others on the side get too clingy or he choses wrong for whatever mood he is in etc). He always has a place to run when its not "fun" either at home to his OW or to his wife when the current OW gets too demanding. Now that he has managed to live like this for over 10years...how and why would he stop?? He has no children to ground his mind about reality. Yet he wants them. He is the LAST person who should have children because the reality of that would hit him like a brick wall. Yet..he refuses to see this. He is very emotionally immature because of this. yet he thinks he is very clever...I am sure. Its starting to affect his personality I think...the duplicity is getting to him because he is no longer in his 20's and well he is married longer now...its not new etc..he is not traveling with the Army and restarting all the time. Hmmmmm Reality.
Yeah i am sure he feels stuck too (eye roll). He ...LIKE ME...has no parents or family to speak of. We approach life differently as he was married young...and I am single. Its all about what you are used to but it doesnt make it RIGHT. He needs to divorce and be on his own for ATLEAST 6 months. He went right into another affair after I refused to be an OW any longer after figuring things out and wanting my self respect back (about 2.5 months after meeting him and getting Kapowed by my emotions) and giving him that advice. He is SCARED...yet he faced death everyday in Iraq. Go figure.
You may just have to Get OFF the fence one way or another. Otherwise, You might be addicted to the waffling because it allows you the best of both worlds (some might see that as cake-eater). Whatever fits ...use it. But you just might have to deal with losing respect for YOURSELF. This is what might be causing you angst RIGHT NOW. Think about it! its not the rush of the affair or the love at home but you dealing with who you are and not liking it or just wanting to like yourself again without all the drama. Go like yourself...make a plan one way or another but I really feel the angst as being the true pain here. Believe me that is not fun and more trouble AND DAMAGING TO YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE than leaving someone else.
Think about it.
Lizzie
Hey Lizzie-
Haven't heard from you in awhile. Glad to see you are still here lending your support!!!
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You are right on. Perspective is everything. I was in my T office last week and there was a little handicap girl in the waiting room. She was so very sweet and loving to her baby brother. She had a smile on her face the whole time. I'm watching her in her excitement as she has her grandmother play the different ring tones on her cell phone. She got such a joy out of that. So as I watch her....I am sitting there thinking of my life and the decisions I have made that have me sitting there in a T office. I think to myself...this beautiful child is so filled with life and joy. What she would give to be fully capable and functional like I. And...how sorry that I have wasted so much time making a mess out of my life...which I should be thankful to have in the first place. Makes me think. Yet, I am still in the A.
Personality is everything as well. Looks are not everything, Lizzie. There will always be someone more beautiful, someone with a better body, someone with what "appears" to be a better life. You are worthy because you are you. Looks can deceive. The inside is what truly counts.
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We become the choices we make. I thought about this man and having an A in depth for about two months before any sexual contact. I knew what was right and what was wrong. I made a choice to have the affair with my eyes wide open. I thought I would be able to have a few sexual encounters and be done with it. Well, I didn't think the A would be going on 6 months later and I would have the feelings for this person that I do. This didn't just happen to me. I allowed it to happen, I enabled it to happen. I brought it in to reality.
Fear is a damning emotion. It plays tricks on the mind. It is the emotion behind the "what ifs", the I "should haves", the I "could haves." Fear of letting him go and having to deal the real life that keeps me exactly in this place that I ultimately CHOSE!
SS
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