I wanna smoke the pipe
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| Sun, 07-25-2010 - 5:20pm |
*** Preface ... I will not break NC, I know it will accomplish nothing except to set me back, I know I am looking for validation from him today because I am having a low moment and want an easy solution and want for a moment to avoid my RL. But here goes:
Today has been a day filled with fighting the urge to 'smoke the pipe'. I don't want to contact him, I want to check 'our account' which will have messages from him to me. I want to hear that he misses me, I want to hear that he is hurting and full of remorse and regret.
Really, I just want a moment of release (no kidding right?). I want a distraction from the heavy that I have made my life. I want to feel cared for if even for a moment and from the wrong person.
Deep freaking sigh. Today has been a hard day. Not as hard as the BS, or my H's or many others on this planet - but just for this moment, I needed to shared that I am finding today hard.
I am going to instead: enjoy the supper I made for my children and watch some TV with them. I am going to tuck them into bed being proud that no matter how hard, their mom didn't smell the pipe, never mind smoke it. I am going to finish reading a great book I started and look forward to a better day tomorrow.
Thanks for reading,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

((((TU))))
I'm so proud of you. You recognized how you were feeling and you posted here. And you know that you won't get what you need by smelling the pipe. Enjoy your kids and your awesome dinner and then get lost in your book. And then come over and hose out my basement with me! :)
"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere." – Buddha
Bodhi
Hi TU,
I’m glad you decided NOT to take a toke and instead decided to write it all out here. It’s ok to have the feelings as long as you are not acting on them and not giving them too much play time in your head.
I hope that pipe is in a million-bazillion pieces and out in the gar-bagha! Enjoy your children and your book. You’ll be thankful tomorrow that you are not feeling the crash and burn withdraw that you would have had you “gone there.”
Much love and big hugs,
E1
Edited to add: TU you know he prevented you from closing that email account and uploaded all that you had deleted because he wants to have that power...cause he is betting that you
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Dee
TU,
IMO, you did the right move by functioning your role as a mother and doing something for your enrichment (reading your great book).
That urge is
Perfect. Simply perfect. I am sorry you had a rough day, but so proud of you for how you handled it. The perfect example to our newbies of how just because you have a bad day, doesn't mean you failed. You are still on the right track, you just slowed down a moment... and then you moved on. So proud of you.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Please excuse the hijack, TU while I say hi to Dee.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Giggle! Hi, Clarity! So glad you're back and sticking around; we can use some more vets like you. I AM well, thanks! I'm 8 months out, almost 9, and in that awkward supertweener stage. I'm still addressing issues, but thankfully, they are mostly MY issues and not nursing-the-ending/mourning issues. So, what do you think of our little board nowadays? We have some really rockin' newbies and tweeners, huh? I'm always so happy to see the fresh enders posting, too, since even though reading their pain is difficult, I know that they are finding hope and a path to a healthier life here. I'm really proud of that and proud to be a part of it.
Thanks for the hijack - what an ego boost to get called out by the Unsinkable Clarity!
xo
Dee