I want to be FREE!!!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I want to be FREE!!!
18
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 5:39am

I've been wondering: what makes one person end an affair and be okay within a few months, while another person will still be struggling months, even years later? I think a lot of it has to do with your MIND. I've been reading in the healing library daily, plus I've read "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F Harley, and "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard M Halpern.  Here is a little from the second book I mentioned:

 

Their best judgment and their self-respect tell them to end it, but often, to their dismay, they hang on. They speak and act as if something were holding them back, as if their relationship was a prison and they were locked in. Friends and psychotherapist may have pointed out to them that in reality their "prison door" is wide open and that all they need to do is step outside. And yet as desperately unhappy as they are, they hold back. Some of them approach the threshold, then hesitate. Some may make brief sallies outside, but quickly retreat to the safety of prison in relief and despair. Something in them wants out. Something in them knows that they were not meant to live this way. Yet people, in droves, choose to remain in their prisons, making no effort to change them- except, perhaps, to hang pretty curtains over the bars and paint the walls in decorator colors. They may end up dying in a corner of their cell without having really been alive for years.

 

I feel like xAP will always have a special place in my heart. But I don't want to remain in "prison". I want out! Right now it's still a daily struggle to remain NC, but I've made up my MIND, one day I WILL BE FREE!!!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 8:10am

Hi HNH

I was in that prison much longer than I'd like to admit, because I convinced myself that it was a very special place to be, that nobody else understood. It was a place where I could do whatever I wanted, and no one would ever tell me I was wrong, it was a place to escape to where no one could get to me. The longer I was in my prison, the more I noticed that all I had in my life was my prison. And I could not share my prison with anyone else in my life - except for my prison mate xAP.

Realizing that there is more to life than that little prison world was the biggest breakthrough! I started to realize that if I set myself free I would able to start a new life for myself, surrounded my people who I can share experiences with. Those experiences turn into stories I can share with other people, and those other people become friends I can have experiences. Soon you are no longer longing for that comparatively lonely prison cell, together with your cell mate - that cell mate who only really wants you to be there because he is even more lonely and broken than you are.

It takes time to learn that freedom leads to open, honest, healthy manfully lives. Some people take long to find the strength, depending how long, and dark that cell was. I will never forget my cell, and I hope I never will - its what makes this freedom feeling so wonderful. Though always be on guard, when triggers start going off - it can be easier to hid out right? Remove as many triggers as you can - and find new ways of coping...

Thanks for posting this :-)

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 8:34am
I have been struggling with this so so much. Rationally, I know I'm the only one holding me back, yet I still am choosing the prison, unable to force myself to let go of him completely in my mind. I think I'm still stick on the possibility of maybe everything we talked about really was true, and maybe we really are the ones who complete each other best. I keep relying on time to maje things clearer for me, but it only seems to muddy the waters more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 9:39am

Morning' HNW

Mr. EWO by the way is short for Mr. Easy Way Out.

Circumstances...having to go LC (limited contact) due to working together, or social interaction between families, or being neighbors or, as in your case, having his baby make for more of a struggle.

The effort we put into healing... and I figure that coincides with how much we want it,

And maybe how big an A- hole we dug for ourselves and now have to crawl out of also determine the struggle.

It is true...we hold the key to our freedom.  Some can't turn it and remain in their self-imposed prison for whatever their reasons and some can't turn it fast enough and escape to freedom.  

It's great that you are reading all you can, and thank you for sharing your new-found knowledge.

((hugs))

Clarity

 

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 10:43am

I had many endings, but this time it's different.   Nobody could tell me to end it until I accepted there was no future for us and started to see what the A really was.  Once I realized there was no future then that brought on the question of "then why am I doing this?".  Oh I can say it made me happy, but once I started to see those happy moments didn't last long I knew that wasn't the answer.  I see now it was nothing but a dead end R and that's when I knew there was no going back.  I didn't get there over night, it's a process for sure, but I think once I realized it was all a fantasy, and that there is no future for us, it helped me to walk out those prison doors for good this time.  Hang in there Healing, it's a battle between what was real and what was fantasy...you'll get there.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 11:07am

Somebody posted here a while ago about being in the present. I am almost 9 months out and it wasn't until the last month or so that I realized the value in that idea. I was still obsessing much more than I wanted to be. So I tried, every time I started to think about xAP and the A, to say to myself, Be Here Now. And then I started to realize that Here wasn't at all a bad place to be. I mean, I think I knew that all along and really would have liked to get back to Here. I just didn't know how.

It was also giving myself permission to NOT think about him anymore. That he has no way of knowing anymore whether or what I think about him, so thinking about him was only in MY head, and it didn't change anything. Thinking about him had been a way of keeping the fantasy alive, keeping the connection alive. But it was completely one-sided, and served no purpose anymore.

I really am trying to live in the present now. That was very, very good advice, whoever gave it.

Somebody had this as her tagline (was it Iddy?): "Be where you are; otherwise you may miss your life." Buddha said it. A few months ago I bought a little garden statue of Buddha and I put it outside my kitchen window where I can see him sitting there, under a little tree nearby, any time I am at the sink. That also helps remind me.

--Bird

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 4:52pm

Hello Hurt,

I get the wanting to be Free. I do too. I don't post here anymore because I could not get the no contact, no new contact, no new hurt, and the only ones who completely end an affair are the ones who do not have contact with the xAP but slowly, please forgive me but so very slowly I have come to understand that I can no longer have contact with the man. He has become more of an open wound rather than a friend and the last text, this morning as a matter of fact, was a leave me alone I am busy text. Now, I am not the center of the universe so if people are busy I get it, but this so called friendship was really nothing more than an attempt on my part to get back together and you know what? I don't think I want that anymore. It's not the xAP, its the fact that I have begun to focus my  attention on my H and family and WOW, it is so much easier to move forward when there is something to move forward to. So today, August 29th, no tomorrow August 30 I will maintain no contact with xAP. I say this here so that I re-enforce the resolve in myself, and you may see a lot more posting by me while I ride the train through the loneliness, triggers, frustration, anger and all the other stuff that goes with complete separation. I want this now, I didn't before but I do now. Everyone here said the time would come when I would see the wisdom in their words and for that I am very thankful. Maybe if I make a year or so I could be one of the ones giving advice instead of always asking for it.LOL.

That was a great read, about putting yourself in a place that is oh so familiar and no matter how painful it is, the unknown, the outside of the prison is a scary thing. So we stay, some of us forever. But some do make it out. Many here have.

Good luck to you!

Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 8:56pm

I have been following this post ...and am soaking in many of the responses. But I have to say..that this particular post really struck a chord with me today.

Somebody posted here a while ago about being in the present. I am almost 9 months out and it wasn't until the last month or so that I realized the value in that idea. I was still obsessing much more than I wanted to be. So I tried, every time I started to think about xAP and the A, to say to myself, Be Here Now. And then I started to realize that Here wasn't at all a bad place to be. I mean, I think I knew that all along and really would have liked to get back to Here. I just didn't know how.

 Thanks for the reminder. I really need to do this more often. I do this occasionally, allowing myself to be present in the moment..and WOW what a difference .As I type..I am pausing for a moment. I am sitting on my back deck, watching the sunset over the Tx. hill country...watching deer in my backyard and listening to the sound of crickets. I can hear H pounding on the toddlers "truck" in the garage. I know I have a 19year old ds studying and an 18 yr old ds downloading music in the living room..I am truly blessed. So why not experience the moment more often?

Not a clue ..maybe I AM denying myself permission to think of xAP less..which I didn't realize until I read..

It was also giving myself permission to NOT think about him anymore. That he has no way of knowing anymore whether or what I think about him, so thinking about him was only in MY head, and it didn't change anything. Thinking about him had been a way of keeping the fantasy alive, keeping the connection alive. But it was completely one-sided, and served no purpose anymore.

This is really an AHA moment for me. Don't know why it didn't occur to me before. Thank you for your input. I'm not sure if I am trying to keep the fantasy alive...or if I am feeling like I owe him some sort of telepathic, undeserved loyalty..if  THAT makes any sense. Didn't realize I was doing it until now. 

So Bird? Thanks for this response.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 5:24am

"Telepathic, undeserved loyalty" is exactly what I mean, Breeze. But exactly.

Buddha must be in your back yard, too!

 

--Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001
Re: I want to be FREE!!!
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 7:42pm

Thank you RBM, it's good to be free again even if I have a long road to recovery every journey starts one step at a time.

hugs, Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001
Re: I want to be FREE!!!
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 7:46pm

Hi Soglad,

Yeah, I don't remember anymore and I know you guys keep count but I think I will start counting when the thoughts of xAP come and I feel nothing because emotionally I am still vested in the affair. If you (me actually) still thinks some day blah blah blah then it's not really over. But then again, maybe this will haunt me for the rest of my life?

Thanks for the welcome back and hugs, much needed and appreciated.

Hugs too,

Fran