I want to email him so badly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2010
I want to email him so badly...
3
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 10:49pm

Tough day. I slept most of the afternoon and woke up with mascara all over my face and pillow from crying so much! I didn't know I had this many tears in me over this. I have managed to hold myself together in front of my H and kids, but it's been rough!


A little of my story...I know why I had an affair. It was an escape from reality...from my real life and the daily stresses that come with that. I have been married for a little more than 13 years. We have 3 beautiful children; 12, 10 and 8 years old. Last year my 10 yo son was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which is an autism spectrum disorder. Then started our battle with the school district. While this was going on, we had him, and still do, in private therapy twice a week. The school district stalled and stalled and stonewalled us at every junction. With the help of a child advocate we fought back and filed due process in October. We were assigned a mediator and had a meeting where the lawyer for the school admitted that they were in the wrong for denying an evaluation, off the record of course, and they went ahead and finally did one. So, life has been stressful for the past year. I work full time, but am lucky to work 7:30am - 2:30pm so that I can pick up the kids from school. My time after school involves taking my son to therapy two days a week and all the other running around, homework help, etc. that comes with having 3 children.

Last year I travelled to Las Vegas for business. I sat next to a nice man on the plane who hit on me, and I flirted back. He invited me to breakfast and after thinking about it for while, I decided to go. He then drove me to the hotel and waited around with me until I could check in. He came up to my room with me, where after some more talking, we fooled around some. No IC though. I had to go to the convention center to meet some people and arranged to call him and meet him when I got back to the hotel. He called me while I was at the convention center though and said he was driving home, that he didn't feel that he should take it any further because I was married. He said he wanted to stay in touch though. So, we talked several times over the next few days. Once I got home, we continued to talk, texting and chatting online and eventually talking every day on the phone. The talk was mostly sexual, but over time more and more everyday stuff was talked about. I found myself texting him when something happened, wanting to talk to him about various things going on. A LOT of the talk was about fantasies we would be able to fulfill if we could meet up.

Then I had the opportunity to travel again for work and he arranged to meet me there and spend the weekend with me. The whole time leading up to it, I never really thought it would happen...it seemed like it was a dream, still a fantasy. Even the day of the trip, I couldn't imagine meeting him at the other end. But I did, and we had an incredible weekend together. It was amazing sex, which I'm sure it always is because it's with someone new and different and it's so exciting!


One night there I had a couple of glasses of wine, and asked him what this was to him. The answer; an elaborate fantasy. This led to me telling him that I really liked him and that

~ Loopy ~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 12:03am

LG, I cannot tell you how much your post resonated with me and how much of myself I see in your post. I too have a special needs child and was in a meeting just this morning with the principal and special education advisor at the school because of problems we are encountering with one teacher.


I have so much that I want to say and share with you but first and most important I want to paint a picture for you of my D-day and specifically how it affected my special needs child--my soon to be 14 yr old son). I think more than anything you need to hear/read this. Let me know at the end just how much you want that to email xAP. Each time there is contact you risk a D-day.


I have posted it here before any don’t usually retype but for you I think maybe I should as opposed to referring you to links. First let me also say that my H suffered from many health problems as did my son.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2010
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 4:50pm

E1 - Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me your story. I SO appreciate it and while I know from reading this board that I am not alone in this, it helps to know that someone is/has been in a very similar situation.


Today has been so horrible. I have had what feels like a rock sitting in my stomach all day...and my heart feels like it is broken...tears have been very close all day and even slipped out a couple of times.

But I keep telling myself that this is moving forward, that while the A made me feel good sometimes, those times were getting farther and farther apart, and the crappy feelings were there a lot more. Of course, these feelings are so much worse than just the crappy feelings; but I know this is for the best and what I need to do.

Hanging in there...NC = No New Hurts!!!


Thank you again....from the bottom of my heart!

~ Loopy ~
~ Loopy ~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 10:43am

Hi Loopy,

How are you doing today? Are you feeling any better? I just wanted you to know that I too can identify with having a special needs child. My 5 year old has Aspergers. We really struggled from when he was 9 months until he was 4 or so. Things are a little bit better right now, but he hasn't even started school yet. It has been rough needless to say!! My older son is now being evaluated because he has trouble following multi-step directions and I'm also hearing the dreaded attention word being thrown around. That he is having a very difficult time paying attention in class. These things are so stressful to deal with. I completely understand. It has been tough on our marriage. It has been so tough that my husband didn't even want to have any more children because of our youngest. Which was hard because I wanted 4 children.

You are doing the right thing though. I noticed that I didn't concentrate enough on my children when I was in the affair. I let things slide that I shouldn't and I'm so thankful now that I'm out of it and I can help my children move forward. Keep up with the NC. Things will get better. You will feel better. You are right it isn't worth the pain and suffering for you and the rest of your family. I told my xAP the only time I was happy was when I was with him and I was miserable with guilt the other 23 hours of the day. It just wasn't worth it. My life is so much happier now. We deserve more.

Take care