I want to end A - What do I say???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
I want to end A - What do I say???
6
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 7:13am
Help! I've been involved with MM for about 18 months & have had a great time with him but..... I just cannot continue to ride the rollercoaster. Especially since MM has told me, somewhat reluctantly that W is 4 months pregnant (they also have 2 other children). I morally cannot go on with the charade. This crosses a line for me & won't continue the R any longer. I have tried to tell him gently that we shouldn't see each other but he will not accept it. I guess I haven't been too convincing up until now because I haven't wanted to stop seeing him. He is my sunshine. We say that we love each other & I believe in my heart that's true but it's one of those wrong place/wrong time moments that I need to walk away from.

I am seeing him on Monday & am going to write down what I want to say & hand it to him in a letter. This is the only way that I'll be able to say everything I feel.

This is where I need help.... what do I say??? How do I say goodbye?? I certainly want to walk away as friends but I never want to see or talk to him again because I want off this ride for good. I believe he should be home being the fantastic H/dad that I know he'd be. Does anyone understand that? I need to give this man back to his wife completely - the ultimate sacrifice.... ouch.

Please help & my thoughts are with you all.

Little K

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 10:17am
Hi,

First of all, I applaud your move. Feels like you are in a very clear space and you can see how ending this affair will give you back your peace of mind.

The key to ending this affair is to be consistent with your choice. You need to give him the same message a few times until he gets it. You will succeed by repeating the message. It might take a while, a week or two but if you are consistent, he will get it.

Simply tell him again: "I don't want to take you away from her"

What you need right now is extra power and determintaion to express it again. Stay focused and go for it. It feels truly teh right moove.

Good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 1:34am
Thank you for replying vitalcoach. Your words make sense & having made the decision that I am going to end the A, I feel a certain type of clarity that has eluded me for some time.

I stumbled on this site quite by accident & honestly couldn't believe my luck that I can anonymously talk openly to people on the other side of the world & get honest & open opinions/answers to my "curly" questions. I write from Australia & now realise that A are the same worldwide. There is nothing special about mine, contrary to my naive thoughts & that has been a real eye-opener & helped me to reach my conclusion. Having 2 beautiful children of my own conceived only through the advanced technology of IVF (& recently going through a very amicable D) I know how important a H is before, during & after pregnancy. It is a privilege to be able to carry a child & one to be honoured by all women. I make no bones that if W wasn't preganant I could absolutely carry on our A but this changes EVERYTHING in my mind.

I'm not proud of the A but I'm proud that I can see clearly now the rain has gone... It will hurt & am dreading the meeting instead of counting the minutes to when we meet. Poor fella doesn't know what's coming at him. He'll cope as he has a loving home to return to & unbeknowns to W, she will support him through this, I, however will suffer in silence. That's the choice I made when I spied him across the room 18 months ago & to coin a phrase "to every action there is a reaction!" & this is it!! I believe we'll all be happier in time.

Bless you all.

Little K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 8:41pm
Hey Little K -- I know tomorrow is the big day. Just want to send you good, strong thoughts. You are a good person who is doing the right thing, for everyone involved. I know that it feels like you're making a big sacrifice for the sake of the W and family, but it's ultimately quite the *opposite* of a sacrifice; you're giving yourself a great gift -- you deserve so much more than to have to share someone, you deserve to be loved completely! You deserve the freedom to pursue that kind of relationship.

Let us know how it goes. Stay strong! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 3:06am
Well, I ended it. My heart is shattered in a million pieces but I know I have done the right thing.

MM was fabulous. I wrote it all in a letter & sat with him while he read it. MM said he was sad but was fully expecting this from me, he knew I was struggling with W's pregnancy. I asked him not to contact me for anything.... a friendship is out of the question. MM agreed. I walked away & didn't look back but I know he watched me. Ouch!

Now comes the hard part I guess. Recovery. I'm looking forward to being myself & living without waiting for what seems eternity for phonecalls to make my day. I'll make my own days from herein with my children.

Just hope he never calls - I can't ever hear his voice again.

Why did I ever get involved?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:16am
I am glad that you both have found some peace. It is nice when that can happen...when you can communicate with one another and reach a similar point. You did the right thing and in the end you will find what you are looking for.

tb
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:20pm
((Big Hugs)))! My A ended in much the same way as yours, with both of us maintaining a lot of love & respect for each other but realizing that due to certain circumstances it just had to end. It's a good way to end things. I am at peace with it. I think you will find peace in your decision, too. Just be prepared for weak moments when you will really miss him; they will sneak up on you. Don't forget your reasons for wanting the A to end!

Wishing you peace & love,

K.