I want ME back...I hate this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
I want ME back...I hate this!
9
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 12:39am
It's been 3 weeks since he ended it to stay married "for the kids"...so why am I no better off than I was then? Why am I still crying every day? Why does EVERYthing remind me of him? Why can't I see my own future yet...one without him in it? Why am I being punished and why don't I even seem to WANT to get over this? Why do I think that I will wake up from this nightmare soon and things will be the way they were...with him getting friggin' divorced and fulfilling promises to ME. I never would have fallen for him like this if not for the stupid promises.
I went 2 whole days with absolutely NO contact...no texts...nothing. I was just starting to feel accomplished. He calls me today at work (for work related BS) and asks me how I'm doing. Why can't I keep my f*%$ing mouth shut? My intention was for him to wonder how I was doing...while I got better...by MYSELF. I don't need for him to "see" me this way. I know that it makes him feel terrible...and I don't care if he feels terrible...I just wanted it to be because he realizes that he made a HUGE mistake that he will regret FOREVER...not because I'm crying and he can't make it better. Is that too much to ask? I feel like he's taken away the only control I had over ANYthing by knowing that I am still a friggin' wreck over this.
So...I don't pray...because I don't have any right to for one reason....but please, GOD...help me to maintain a shred of dignity...and help me shut my friggin' mouth and keep this to myself. PLEASE!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 12:54am
I would just like to reiterate how PISSED off I am at myself! I swear, I am glaring at the screen right now...pounding on the keys....so mad that I cannot at least put on a friggin' act when I most need to....and show him that I AM JUST FINE!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 2:49am

Crissy,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting so bad. I do understand, as I have been there too. You have to be as strong as you can and hang in there, somehow it will get better. Everyone messes up and takes steps backwards, just do your best to keep NC and the pain will stop hurting so much (or at least that is what I am told). MM called me today, said "when I get back" (he's visiting family up north) and I said I don't want to see or talk to you anymore, this has to stop. He said, oh you want to play that game again, we've tried that before. I said yes, I have to, I can't continue to hurt myself this way. We spent 4 days together before he left last Thursday, but 4 days of total happiness isn't worth all the pain I now have to live through. Now my biggest fear is that I won't talk or see him again. When I ask for NC (I've tried twice before) he respects that but I end up texting or calling him because I can't stop crying. This time I have to do it, for me, because I do want more and I will never have it if I keep doing the same thing I'm doing.

You will never get different results if you keep doing the same thing everyday.

Again, I'm sorry you are hurting so much

~alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 3:02am

Crissy

Easy on that Keyboard those things cost money and you have already paid enough.

The crying will stop in time but TOTAL NO CONTACT will shorten that time, having contact drags out this whole thing.

You don't need to show these men anything, you have nothing to prove to them or anyone else, this is not a game with a winner or a loser this is your life and it is both short and being wasted messing with these CMM.

And Crissy you and the rest of us have as much right to pray as anyone else.

You will escape.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 10:07am

Hi Crissy,

Dont be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and you have every right to pray and ask the good man upstairs for forgiveness and help. I have been over with my affair since Aug. It lasted 3.5 years and beleive me It gets better. You are going through the motions and it is normal. If you read the posts you will see you are not the only one feeling this way. I can remember months ago when I felt the same. WEAK AND WANTING TO DIE. I am so much better and so glad this affair is over. I miss him but its over and I am happy, no longer looking over my shoulders worrying about what next when can I see him etc.....

A great burden lifted off my shoulders. Ending takes time, baby steps, and alot of strength you need to find within yourself. Block any way you can of having contact with him and focus on healing yourself. I know it is easier said than done, but hunny trust me it helps. There was a point where I thouhgt I would never get rid of the pain and I was tired of beating myself up. This board helped me so much because I had no one to confide in to help me with this process. Only one of my friends that knew but I did not like bothering her with it. But she did try to help and I am much better today and free of the pain of it being over.

You can get through this it is a process. Take it one day at a time.

Wishing you lots of peace and strength....
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 10:48am

Did he really HAVE to contact you about this work thing or was he more trying to get a sense to how you were doing? I know in my case, he seems to need to know that I'm missing him. And I know the feeling you describe when you say you tell him, and then kick yourself in the a$$ over letting him be privy to your emotions. He doesn't have the right to know how you feel anymore, but if you're anything like me, it's hard to cover up those emotions. I'm an open book when it comes to how I feel. Me and my XOM still have minimal online/email contact, but when I feel he's wanting to talk about missing me, and still loving me, etc..I try gearing him away from any conversations that pertain to "us".

Do your best, if there is a next time talking to him, to keep the conversation away from how each of you are handling this difficult time..and if he outright asks, change the subject..he'll get the idea you do not wish to share your emotions with him any longer.

Hugs to ya, I can feel your pain :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 1:59pm
Chrissy,
I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. I can't say that you will get over it because I haven't gotten there yet. I am still seeing mine, but I have been thru the roller coaster ride of him going back for the "kid's sake" twice now, and I know how bad you feel. NO CONTACT is the best way to go if you really want to get over him. We never stopped contacting one another, we tried to keep it friendship only, but it never worked and we always got back together. We are still together now, as far as I know, I haven't heard from him in about 4 days, so who knows with the holiday and all, maybe he had a change of heart and wants to end things again like he did last year.
Anyway, speaking from experience, I would have no contact with this man. I think he called you to hear your voice and see how you were doing. That is how they drag you back into it. He doesn't really want to lose you. He probably wants to keep you hanging on just a little bit so that if he leaves his W again, he knows you will be there for him. He doesn't want you to find someone else, I'm sure.
I know that thru my off period with my MM, staying angry at him helped me to hurt a little less. I knew that maybe trying once for the sake of the kid's was a smart thing to do, but I was (and still am) angry that my MM didn't fulfill his promises to me about leaving. He said straight out his was leaving, he told me he didn't love his W anymore. He told me he loved me. A year and a half later, he is still there. I would never have gotten involved in this situation had I known it would be like this. Hanging on to this anger helped me to not contact him.
I also wear my heart on my sleeve and I wanted him to always guess how I was feeling instead of laying it all out there for him to see. Especially since he kept all his feelings inside after he went back the first time. Sometimes he wanted to hear that I missed him but I didn't hear it in return. Well, sometimes I did. But not nearly enough as I told him. It was and still is very unbalanced.
The best thing for you to do if you really want to get over him is to have no contact. I have maintained contact with mine, and we have been back together off and on the whole time. If you don't want this to happen, then cut all ties with him and only talk to him again when he is D.
Sweetie, stay strong. I know this is a tough time. I was never strong enough to stick with it and I am still in this thing today, more sad than happy. I feel like I have lost myself in all this. You have the chance to free yourself. Think of this as an opportunity to change things.
Someone posted if you keep doing the same thing all the time, nothing will ever change (or something like that). That really spoke to me. I think I will come back to that every time I feel weak and want to continue this roller coaster ride.
Big hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:31am

Hi...no, he didn't HAVE to contact me. It was in reference to something my boss wanted from him. I actually had to call him back to find this out...because I can't very well let my boss know why I'm not doing my job. But it definitely was not urgent. I had to talk to him again today...it sucked but I made the best of it. I actually had to sit in on a speech from him today...and I TM'd him during it and made fun of him. It helped at the time...we both know that I was trying to joke...but I know that deep down...he is second guessing himself. He had to talk to my boss at one point today and TM'd me to ask me if I was sure that he didn't know about x-us because he was acting differently toward him. I decided to mess with him and I told xmm that my boss knew(boss knows xmm and whole family.) I know that it made him pee his pants or something. Then it kind of got annoying that he was so concerned that someone knew. It's tough realizing where I stand...I feel like the dirty secret that he wants to sweep under the carpet. That's fine...that's what I'll be. I DO have enough dignity to not ruin lives out of spite.

He actually asked me if I would mind if he stopped by tomorrow to say hi to me. I asked him if he was stupid. I told him that he needs to go out of his way to NOT see me.




Edited 12/29/2004 12:32 am ET ET by crissy707
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:38am

Good for you Crissy, for saying that to him. I think for men, it makes THEM feel better to just see us and say hi, but for us it prolongs the pain. My XOM doesn't understand why we can't just see each other, nothing else, no intimacy, but just have lunch together like we used to and talk on the phone. Doing those things may help HIM through this, but for me, it pulls me back in emotionally. I will be seeing him and his W on new years eve, because me and my H have many mutual friends who will all be at the same location. I'm already stressing about it.

But this is the time for you and me to think about whats works for us, not them. Everytime he contacts you to say "hi", he is making HIMSELF feel better, while you are sitting there hurting all over again. Stick to your guns, we're all here to help :)

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:26pm

Crissy, I agree with hurtpup. Men may have an easier time moving on and still being friends. My XOM still wants me in his life, I have no clue what that means and I don't have the energy to find out anymore. I can't see why he doesn't understand that that would just about kill me. I'm not going to be his buddy or his confidante...what's next? He'll introduce me to his new girlfriend and we can all go bowling together? Give me a freaking break!!!

Im sending you big hugs ...stop being so hard on yourself. You are an honest person and you let him see your honesty. What good does putting on an act that you are fine going to do? That is just your pride. Just use this experience to help you stick to NC as well as you can. If you have to talk business then leave it at that...just business.

HUGS

Jazzdiva