I want the pain to go away
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|Sat, 06-08-2013 - 2:42am|
I dont even know where to begin. I am desperate for help. Please dont criticise me. I am looking for advice. This is my second time back here. I was here before a year ago. I had been in an affair for 2 years with a man that I have known since Jr High. We met up at a reunion. We have always been friends. He is single and I am married. He persued me very heavily. My marriage has not been good at all for about ten years, sexless and very low communication. I have begged and begged my husband to pay attention to me for years! I had gotten to the point to where I felt like piece of furniture than a person in my house. So I decided this man and I had been friends for a long time so we met at coffee. I was so lonely l never realised how lonely and ungarded I was at the time till now. We were so attracted to eachother it became physical. I have never loved so freely. Needless to say we broke it off on March 16 when I found out he wanted out of our relationship to date another person. He is single yes I know. The day before he was telling me he loved me and wanted me to be in his life always. He had asked me to marry him if I could leave my husband to be with him. I was so blown away only 24 hours later. I have been devisated ever since. So! What I am asking is how do I get over this.
I was doing great it was 1 1/2 months since the break up. He had called me and to see if I was ok etc.. I was doing great. Then we saw eachother at a park. STUPID! We both wanted to be friends since we had been for 33 years. Everything had been fine up and he grabbed me and kissed me. I said no I have had the heartache of my life. He still kissed me and I gave in to kiss him back. Woooh I thought this is not right. I went to my car soon after this because I really was taken aback by the whole scene. I went home and had to start all over again healing. I told him you have a new woman and I have a husband. I want us to respect eachother this cannot continue. I have talked to him several times since. He wants to control when we talk. etc..
SO my problem is I am addicted to this man. I know it. I catch myself all the time. I miss him and I know ok this is not right at all. How do I block him and get over him. I know people say "oh just block" I have major anxiety when I think of blocking him out of my life. I wanted to be friends. We cant. I love him so much. How do I do this. HOW? I know people here will criticise me but I am hurting so badly. I just feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. I have major anxiety attacks and I cannot breath. Then I contact him. I miss him! I asked him to coffee. He read my email but did not respond. I am sorry I am just so devistated and I cant get the heck off the floor on some days I am such a door mat to him. He is single with another woman who is gettig a divorce. WTH.
So I ask:
How do I go no contact without having a total anxiety attack? I need to get away from this person. He serves me no good. He is only a person to talk to when I am lonley. I love the person I thought he was. I need tools to not contact him when I am craving him like a drug.
How do I make the physical pain go away? My whole body aches I sleep all the time. Cry. Put on a happy face when I have to. I walk 3 miles a day still. I have kept that up.
How do I stop obsessing?
May I add I went to a counselor for a year and she did nothing to help me. She only chalked it up to a mid life thing. I was so lonely and my marriage is desolate. I look back and thing I must been so lonley to do such a thing. I was! It is sick. So I am trying to go back to college to be a nurse. I have been a stay at home mom for many years.
Ok I hope that makes sense. I am in MAJOR pain. I do not know what I do half the time. Please help me. I am desperate. I feel like a crack addict to this man.
PS his 12 yr old son wants nothing to do with him he was mentally abusive with him. He was with me too. :( I think at the park he wanted to have an affair still. NO WAY! I need out of this. Help me please! SO humiliating but I am addicted to him.