I want the pain to go away

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
I want the pain to go away
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 2:42am

I dont even know where to begin. I am desperate for help. Please dont criticise me. I am looking for advice. This is my second time back here. I was here before a year ago.  I had been in an affair for 2 years with a man that I have known since Jr High. We met up at a reunion. We have always been friends. He is single and I am married. He persued me very heavily. My marriage has not been good at all for about ten years, sexless and very low communication. I have begged and begged my husband to pay attention to me for years! I had gotten to the point to where I felt like piece of furniture than a person in my house. So I decided this man and I had been friends for a long time so we met at coffee. I was so lonely l never realised how lonely and ungarded I was at the time till now. We were so attracted to eachother it became physical. I have never loved so freely. Needless to say we broke it off on March 16 when I found out he wanted out of our relationship to date another person. He is single yes I know. The day before he was telling me he loved me and wanted me to be in his life always. He had asked me to marry him if I could leave my husband to be with him. I was so blown away only 24 hours later. I have been devisated ever since. So! What I am asking is how do I get over this.

 I was doing great it was 1 1/2 months since the break up. He had called me and to see if I was ok etc.. I was doing great. Then we saw eachother at a park. STUPID! We both wanted to be friends since we had been for 33 years.  Everything had been fine up and he grabbed me and kissed me. I said no I have had the heartache of my life. He still kissed me and I gave in to kiss him back. Woooh I thought this is not right. I went to my car soon after this because I really was taken aback by the whole scene. I went home and had to start all over again healing. I told him you have a new woman and I have a husband. I want us to respect eachother this cannot continue. I have talked to him several times since. He wants to control when we talk. etc..

SO my problem is I am addicted to this man. I know it. I catch myself all the time. I miss him and I know ok this is not right at all. How do I block him and get over him. I know people say "oh just block" I have major anxiety when I think of blocking him out of my life. I wanted to be friends. We cant. I love him so much. How do I do this. HOW? I know people here will criticise me but I am hurting so badly. I just feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. I have major anxiety attacks and I cannot breath. Then I contact him. I miss him! I asked him to coffee. He read my email but did not respond. I am sorry I am just so devistated and I cant get the heck off the floor on some days I am such a door mat to him. He is single with another woman who is gettig a divorce. WTH.

So I ask:

 How do I go no contact without having a total anxiety attack? I need to get away from this person. He serves me no good. He is only a person to talk to when I am lonley. I love the person I thought he was. I need tools to not contact him when I am craving him like a drug.

How do I make the physical pain go away? My whole body aches I sleep all the time. Cry. Put on a happy face when I have to. I walk 3 miles a day still. I have kept that up.

How do I stop obsessing?

May I add I went to a counselor for a year and she did nothing to help me. She only chalked it up to a mid life thing. I was so lonely and my marriage is desolate. I look back and thing I must been so lonley to do such a thing. I was! It is sick. So I am trying to go back to college to be a nurse. I have been a stay at home mom for many years.

Ok I hope that makes sense. I am in MAJOR pain. I do not know what I do half the time. Please help me. I am desperate. I feel like a crack addict to this man.

PS his 12 yr old son wants nothing to do with him he was mentally abusive with him. He was with me too.  :(  I think at the park he wanted to have an affair still. NO WAY! I need out of this. Help me please! SO humiliating but I am addicted to him.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 9:52pm

Hi Rose

I've been having problems logging in and often times new postings are not seen at the top...I just happened to find yours when I was scrolling around.

I think you are smart to recognize the addictive nature of your relationship.  As with all addictions, withdrawals are expected and can be intense.  And like in any addiction program abstinence/sobriety/NC is the only guarantee of success.  And you'll have to find other ways to occupy your mind...and just get through it.  There's no easy way around it. 

I think it is in your best interest to seek another counselor.  Sometimes it takes a couple or a few appointments with different ones to find a good, comfortable fit.  A good therapist can support and guide you, and once you get back on solid ground, you'll be able to assess which direction you'd like to take in regards to your marriage.  I'd choose a psychiatrist as they will be able to prescribe medication if they think it is warranted vs. a psychologist who cannot.

I think it is great that you are going to nursing school, and that will take a lot of your energy and focus. 

Keep posting in and letting us know how you are doing.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 10:42am

My suggestion is go back to counseling but with a different counselor.  Maybe you can even find one through your school.  Right now you sound very depressed and having anxiety.  It's possible that you might need some kind of medication for a while.  I think it's good that you realized that you can't possibly be friends with this guy because it will only start up the affair again.  And it's crazy that one day he was asking you to leave your DH & get married, then the next day he is breaking up for someone else!  I also hope that after you get your nursing degree and a job that you will leave th unhappy marriage.  It sounds like you've tried to connect w/ your DH and he doesn't care that much so you would be much better off alone and free to start with someone else.  Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 2:58am

I mean 12 year old son. That is a whole other story. I only mention it because he has a pattern with people being mentally abusive it seems. 

It is like my head knows he is a bad person for me, but my heart says I love him and miss him. Such a cluster.