I want to scream
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I want to scream
| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:31pm |
My A has been done since Oct.28th. - completely done.
For anyone who has read my story - you know that total NC is not possible due to the fact that we are part of a circle of very close friends.
The once a day phone calls have slowly turned in to every other day - (I do not call him)- and they were not the "I miss you - boo hoo I am so lost without being with you" kind...more mature, doing the right thing stuff, and do what we need to do regarding our spouses and getting D's....the unknown future and not giving up hope that one day we could be in a honest real relationship, will we be able to handle our feelings at holiday dinners...etc.
For anyone who has read my story - you know that total NC is not possible due to the fact that we are part of a circle of very close friends.
The once a day phone calls have slowly turned in to every other day - (I do not call him)- and they were not the "I miss you - boo hoo I am so lost without being with you" kind...more mature, doing the right thing stuff, and do what we need to do regarding our spouses and getting D's....the unknown future and not giving up hope that one day we could be in a honest real relationship, will we be able to handle our feelings at holiday dinners...etc.
Things that we really needed to ground down: My A was in an unual situation: too close to home I guess.
But - I am having a hard time today. I am not like the others who can have this NC and grief and get pissed and move on right now.............I cant be angry and say - NO dont call me - No I am not going to __________ dinner party.....No I will no longer go with my H and you and your W and the rest of our friends for Friday drinks.
God!! what am I to do!!!!!!!
I do want to move on - should I just start to think that he does not care - that I was his mistake??
will that help me?

You need to stop the phone calls. They have to stop. While NC may be impossible, you do not have to continue to have private conversations. Those conversations are only making your recovery all the more difficult, and prolonging the inevitable. You need to stop talking and you need to each concentrate on your own lives, figure out what you each want -- divorce or not? It is a hard thing to face, but if you are truly serious about ending this affair, it will not happen until you force yourselves to stop having any kind of relationship outside of what is necessary for appearances. You will never be able to extricate yourselves until this happens. That has been proven time and time again on this board.
It is NOT necessary to get angry or to hate the XMM, in my opinion. I never did and never will. The anger stage for me was directed mostly toward myself. You do not need to try to fool yourself into thinking he does not care; that is clearly not true. You do need to think about the implications of your affair, what being "discovered" could mean to both of your lives and the lives of your loved ones. That might help.
I think what is hard for me is that since we still are all friends - even with D's....the intricite circle - we will still run into eachother alot.
And - no -
He really does not care. I think our friendship is over too.
I was a mistake - he has betrayed his friend - I have ruined the circle.
And a comment that he made about a week ago: He wants to be with me but cant separate it anymore.....and that he cant always have what he wants. He feels bad for the way things are happening.......
no I miss you's - our rented house is not refered to as our house (its just the house) - and he refers that he is not doing ok..........but the worst: That he feels bad......for hurting me.
I told him that pissed me off - and dont dare feel sorry for me.
I think I was used - and all my other posts......I think I lived the lies he told me and believed that I was what he wanted -
He is so weak in the rest of his life: but when it came to letting "the happiest time of his life" go - he is strong.
I know that we are doing the right thing, but is it wrong of me to want him to suffer and feel loss like me?
I feel selfish today.
I am getting more and more angry
I think it's normal and okay to feel that way. And though you may not see it, he most likely IS suffering like you are!
You are right, I'm afraid your friendship is over. Friendship ends forever when you cross the line into an affair. Try not to feel too bad about the "mistake" comments. I can understand how that would hurt your feelings, but I look back now and know without a doubt that having my A was a HUGE mistake; that doesn't mean I didn't care about the XOM, but betraying my husband, risking the security of my kid's homelife, putting my life on hold to concentrate on an illicit relationship -- how can that not be a mistake. That doesn't make YOU a mistake, just the affair... I know it is hard to accept that right now.
Hang in there! One day at a time...