I want to slap myself...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I want to slap myself...
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 6:48am

When I went NC, I deleted all text messages and fb messages.  Today, I found a bunch or fb messages I didn't realise I still had, in an "other" folder.  I immediately went to delete them, but...  read them first.  Oh my.  The hurt.  The way he made me feel he was in love and couldn't live without me.  The things he said, I had convinced myself over the past week I had read the signs wrong and it was never anything emotional, but reading those few messages again (and believe me there were THOUSANDS I had deleted) has made me feel so sad, so confused and just so shocked that he turned it around so fast to tell me it was just lust.  :smileysad:


Feel so rejected and sad.


Dodgie xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 7:29am
Dodgie. I'm sorry (( )). I deleted 5 years worth of messages too, all loving, crazy passion and forevers! I saw xap nearly every day for 5 years. Undying love. He dumped me. No questions, reasoning, questions answered ... I didn't eat or sleep for a week. You know what though? IT GETS BETTER. It does. People here care, they KNOW. they've been where you are. RBM told me to 'stop being wimpy' months ago. I stopped. I'm still sad and miss xap, but I'm not wimpy. I'm OK. YOU will be ok too.

Ride this out. Feel it, cry, let it out.

Than move ahead. Even a smidge. Keep moving forward.

You'll be ok, Dodgie.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 7:31am

It's a self-inflicted wound.  I'm sorry you have hurt yourself.

WHY???  Why would you do that?

You should start reading the Healing Library and heed the advice.  It's all there.  Wise people who have done the same things.  They hurt themselves.  Yet you go ahead and make a conscious decision to hurt yourself. 

What is it you want?  If you want to hang on to the fantasy that it is all OK then why waste your time here. 

It's time to get honest with yourself.  What do you want? 

It's all you.  It's your strength.  If you don't have it then why fool yourself into going through the misery and drama of living like this?

Be proactive.  If it is freedom from the A hole that you want, you have to do the work.  No excuses.  Work, work and read and heed until you are so tired that you can't think about it any more. 


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 12:38pm

Hey Dodgie...I like that :smileyhappy:

If you are going to slap yourself, please not too hard...maybe just enough to remember the stink if you think you want to go down memory lane again.

Nothing has changed...well, except now you are confused.  Remember, people will say most anything to keep the affair afloat in order to keep those feel goods coming,

You said you deleted the messages...good good good.  How about making a gratitude list.  List out all for which you have to be grateful.  It really helps.

Please, stay in the present and love the ones your with.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 8:40pm

Awww c'mon, Dodgie.  Don't tell me that you are actually going to risk taking a bullet this time.  Say it ain't so.

You can feel desperate for answers or an explanation...we've all wanted them...we just have learned to accept that we will never get straight ones because it was an AFFAIR...and people speaketh with forked tongues.  

We know it is painful...it hurts big time...but this hurt that you must sit in and get through...is nothing compared to the hurt you and your loved ones will experience when a Discovery Day visits upon you.  And, Dodgie, that can still happen...days, weeks, months, years after the affair has ended, but at least you'd be able to say it is over.  And that can sometimes be the difference as to whether or not a betrayed spouse is willing to rebuild.  He sees that you ended it and began the work on yourself to see that it never happens again.

This time, the affair took the bullet.  You may not be so lucky next time...and you will not be the only one to take the bullet...others are going to go down with you.  

It is dead.  Grieve it and get through it.  



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 9:11pm
Dear Artful Dodger - you are ready and able...just don't sabotage yourself. Go forward and don't look back, in doesn't matter where in the A-circle you are, you won't find answers when the questions are skewed to being with. Give yourself time, and distance. We've got your back! Just feel what you're feeling and know that hitting bottom means the only place to go is UP!!!

XO Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:02am

Dodge, what the others are saying is so true. We all want answers when the A ends but as others said, we simply are not going to have them. A's are built on lies. We fool ourselves into thinking our A partners are not going to lie to us as we are together in this secret 'put our lives and marriages on the line' type of relationship. We see it as more then it actually is. Stripping away the high feelings, the adrenalin, the toxic validation, the overwhelming feelings that we need them and we are actually left with a shell of a relationship built on nothing that can sustain us. Trying to get truth out of that is like trying to find some nutrional value in a food made entirely of sugar, colours and preservatives, it just isn't going to be there no matter how much you try and convince yourself there is. And when you do get burned by reading old messages, cyber stalking, reaching out etc the lies just keep on building in our heads because we want to so desperately to believe that we haven't put our marriages, lives, families happiness etc on the line for something that is just not there. So we seize on some little peice of evidence that they did care, that it was love, that they did want us more then anything but couldn't leave their children, or hurt their elderly parents or destroy the spouse who is emotionally fragile so that we don't have to face the reality of everything it really was.

Dodge, your name says you dodged a bullet. You truly did. It is hard facing what the A really was. He could have been anyone who contacted you and made you feel good about yourself, he is nothing special. You could have been anyone to him as well. My xap was an old highschool boyfriend who contacted me on FB. He contacted me at the wrong time of my life when I was going through some pretty crappy stuff. He was my void filler. I used him emotionally in the same way he used me sexually. I walked away in the end after many goodbye's and a few Ddays. I was not rejecting him as a person, I harbour no bitterness or anger towards him and I am not far enough out that I can't say I always feel nothing at times when he enters my thoughts (thankfully rarely!) however I don't ever want him in my life again. He is not good for me in any way and I am certainly not good for him either. I don't reject him as a person, I reject the affair partner that he became to me and there is a difference. If he came to me and said I want answers, they may not be the ones he wants to hear in the same way that his answers could not possibly be ones I want to hear simply because we perceived our affair differently.

Instead of focusing on whether he truly cared or not ask yourself why it is so important that you find these answers? What will they reveal? What do you want them to reveal? Do you believe it when people on here say you are in a fog and until you have walked away it is impossible to view things clearly? The questions you are asking now won't mean the same thing six months, twelve months from now. Your questions will be more like 'How could I have done that?', 'Who was I', 'How could I have risked so much for something that was so messed up'. Those questions are ones that can be answered because the only one that can answer them is you. Your own truth will set you free, A's are a trap that keep us enslaved to our emotions and to our lack of worth and value and the harder we try to make sense of what the other person was thinking the more tangled we become. There just has to come a time when we let go. You are not there yet but that doesn't mean you don't belong here, it just means you need more support and encouragement until you are ready to deal with the pain of fully letting go. NC is a good start, reading the healing library and posting through your pain, temptations and many emotions helps enormously and one day you won't want to hurt yourself anymore and your questions will start changing and so will your actions. Hold tight until they do and try hard not to touch anymore flames.



The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.