I want to want to end it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
I want to want to end it...
5
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:10pm

Hi All,

Usually, I lurk on a site for a good long time before I post, but I just found you guys today and need to write!

I guess today is the day that I'm finally willing to admit I'm having an affair. I've been married to H for 14 years. He's a good man, but after giving it a lot of thought I'd say he's more "dutiful" than anything. So if I was missing anything it was a man with a real emotional connection to me.

MM showed up almost two years ago...full of affection and emotional connection. He lives in another state, but we became quick internet friends. H didn't like it and I ended the internet thing over a year ago. Then, secretly restarted it last summer. Over time, we've admitted feelings, tried to negotiate with our addiction to each other, but ultimately it just gets more and more intense all the time. We manage to see each other every few months.

Over the weekend we found ourselves in the same hotel in another city at the same time.
He told me I was a great love of his life, he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together, and later kissed me. And I kissed back. So now I think I'm having an affair.

But here's the thing. I don't want to leave my family. I adore my dorky, dutiful H and our kid. I don't really know why I keep letting this thing go on. I want to want to end it. I don't like being someone who has an affair. I'm terrified H will find out (I suspect he is a zero tolerance H who will divorce me immediately, too).

So, I'm going to visit my therapist. And write to you guys. And read your experiences. And listen closely to any advice you care to offer.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:45pm

BB

The first thing you may want to do is take a close hard look at XMM and were he is coming from, he is giving you a lot of BLAH BLAH about you being the love of his life and he wants to be together ETC... out side of a lot of talk what action has he taken other then to try to bed down a married woman (and don't lie to yourself that is what he wants) and of course CHEAT on his wife.

Has he left his wife, has he filed for divorce....listen only to actions WORDS ARE CHEAP.

Cold hard facts or that almost none of these men ever leave there wife for the peace they are getting on the side, they are were they want to be BUT they will spin a incredable story about there evil/nasty/drunk/cold whatever wife in an attempt to lure the MARRIED women into a relationship that she cannot tell anyone about thus never being a threat to there home life with out destroying her own.

My advice cease ON LINE communications with him close the channels both ways, delete his email address(s), delete any saved e-mails close all e-mail and IM accounts he knows about, block any you cannot close, have his phone number(s) blocked by your phone company, be proactive.

Recognize that you have been in an emotional affair for the last couple of years and it is now progressing to a PA that has the potential to blow you babies home to little anger and pain filled bits, what is more important to you your baby or this CHEATING MARRIED MAN ??

Consider telling your husband that there are some things in your marriage that you both need to work on together if he wants the marriage to last...I bet you he does want your marriage far more then you may think, invite him to marriage counceling.

NOW IS THE TIME TO STOP THIS before you and your family pay a huge price for it, the end of these thing is rarely anything other the PAIN.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:05pm

I agree with Free.

I know how tempting it is - I remember, but stop now while you can.

There are lots of us on this board that are crying all the time and an emotional mess after years of this. The fact that you say you love your husband and still have such affection for him is the reason to stop. If you allow it to progress you will feel guilt at home, while missing MM all the time, and will be extremely confused.

It's an awful way to live... even if you don't stop for your family, stop because you don't want the pain. It seems like it's controlable but it's a vacuum.

Please stop - you're not too late to save all the heartache.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 1:53pm

WIP said: If you allow it to progress you will feel guilt at home, while missing MM all the time, and will be extremely confused.

I already feel exactly that way now. You guys really do understand...amazing. Thanks for replying. I think I've come to the right place.

I'm starting to think about ending it.

Thanks to Free for your reply, too. I'm thinking a lot now about his motivations. I have so much more to lose than he does...his kids are grown, wife is gone. He's starting to tell people about us.

Yet, if he wanted a real girlfriend, I suspect he would find someone who lives in his town and is available. Not me. I think he likes the longing, the distance, the games. But me, I think it's painful, except when it's exciting.

I'm rambling. Thanks for listening.

BB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:42pm
They're all right. I do understand why you like it though. It's exciting, it's that new feeling you have, that doesn't just stick around in a longterm marriage or 24/7 relationship. We love that butterfly feeling. Truth of the matter is, its not the butterfly feeling that makes a relationship longterm and forever. Forever love is a comfortable love that outlasts any butterflies. The longterm grow old love, is calmer and more predictable..its what people have when they know one another so long..
I don't think anyone can say they don't miss that butterfly feeling..but the difference is, a lot of people obviously can do without it and don't have affairs to feel it. I guess I felt in my case that my EXMM was someone who adored me, for years-I had a past connection with him..so that made it even safer for me to let him "in my head"..I tend to not trust men I'd meet online so I wouldn't have been able to go there with anyone else. But everyone's different..and that feeling we get sometimes is enough to push us on without thinking out the consequences. I once felt that my Exmm was someone i might even end up with longterm..those butterflies can cloud your common sense.
If you don't want to be without the husband you have, do not continue the EMA..stop it before you lose your husband. Even the "safest" situations can get found out..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 9:23am
Gosh, I just read your story (I posted above in First Love), it sounds just like me an internet thing...... I guess what makes it harder for me is we were in a relationship years ago........I know it was going to get to the next level, and I think thats why I have had NC from him.....But its still hard........Im glad I found this group, I dont feel so alone in these feelings..........I guess its better to cut it now,but how do you get through it??? It's emotionally draining.......But cutting it now, seems like the right thing to do.......I'm just thankful we're not in the same state........