I Wanted to die...
Find a Conversation
I Wanted to die...
| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:13am |
Not that id ever do anything that stupid..I have 3 beautiful children! My mom and I have always been so intuitive about men..especially mom..used to say when I was in HS...I dont like him and id be like..you havent even met him..and shed say just a feeling. So we were discussing MM..well XMM till he quits fence sitting...and were saying we couldnt believe we were both so off about him. Never once did we doubt his love for me was real..it was written all over his face whenever hed look at me. He denied he was still with his W sexually cause he knew id leave. Well I found out he was..she found out he was still seeing me.. and I truly believed he could breath a sigh of relief that the year of lying was over. I told him I would not play second to her...that he could not WOULD NOT...have us both. He swore hes leaving..give him till the end of the month. I did with certain conditions..one being that while he was away for 5 days on business that he would do everything to keep me informed and feeling secure that he was there for business only!! He called off and on all day..gave me his hotel room number etc and always answered my calls. Bout 11 he says hes going to bed...and he'll call me tomorrow morn. 20 minutes later remembered something I needed to ask. Called his room (hotel phone) and it rang and rang. Called 15 minutes later..rang and rang. OK first call blood felt like it turned cold. Second call I could feel the panic set in. third call the anger..by the 8th call I well knew I had reached the out of control point and calmly left a message saying to never call me cause at 2 in the morning theres no plausible explanation for him not answering..and I forced myself to not call again. OK how to cut this short..he called me this morn and wanted to know why I left message on his cell crying..what did he do etc etc. What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO??? I yelled..exactly WHAT did you do??? YOU tell me...Nothing he says..says phone in room never rang etc. Ok at this point I dont know what to believe since I had called and asked for his room and they said he wasnt in that room..so I was confused. SO I refused to take his word for it that the hotel messed up somehow so I called front desk again. Asked why I was put through to a room last night that not they say isnt his room. They put the lady on I had talked to that put me through earlier..she apologized saying she had given me wrong room the other times...that their last names wee similiar...that she figured out what she had done after the lady in the room I called every 20 minutes called and said she kept getting messages that werent meant for her!! *GASP* So then she puts me through to his room after profusely apologizing to me and when he answers this time..I burst out in tears. All these thought and images in my head..the horrific pain that had me partly wishing id die just for it to end...all the crying and vomitting and why why why's...all because of the stupid hotel operater!!!! I felt so relieved yet so traumatized at the same time. Sorry this was so long..just had to vent...

I saw your message and notice that no one responded yet. I know I hate that...so, here's my thoughts.
You just described beautifully why an affair usually can never turn into a healthy relationship. It is because you are always waiting for the next shoe to drop or bomb to fall. You are always jumping to unhealthy conclusions because there is no trust. I don't like to equate us with betrayed spouses - but, this time I'm going to. A betrayed spouse who finds out about the affair has a huge battle going forward in trying to gain trust. Some don't succeed and most feel like they are going insane in the process. Now, look at us. We know about the affair the entire time. We exhibit *the same* behaviors as the betrayed spouse (second guessing, neediness, bitchiness, accusations, etc.) ... we don't trust these guys as far as we can spit. That's the ugly truth. If you trusted him to not hurt you to begin with, you would have come a different conclusion in the first place that either the phones were messed up, he was in the shower, or the most drastic being a fire happened in the hotel and they had to evacuate. But, you wouldn't sit there and think he's doing something hurtful to you. You don't come to those conclusions without a prior history of that kind of behavior.
Once you don't trust a person, you are always on high alert. Yes, some of the stuff my MM said to me was plausible. In fact, I'm sure some of his explanations were even true. But, he also lied and I know it. So, it doesn't matter if some of the times they are telling the truth and you end up screaming at them in error. *They* set the whole situation up not to be trusted in the first place.
I don't think this has anything to do with "what do you expect from a guy that cheats on his wife?". I was also married during my affair. I *always* told my MM the truth. I got out of my marriage because it was wrong, I was unhappy, and it was unfair to my husband to cheat on him. I believe you can still have integrity and be a decent person and still make the mistake of having an affair to solve your problems. The bottom line is a person who has lied repeatedly to save their butt doesn't have very much integrity (at that time). I do believe a person can change if they want - but they would have to repeatedly prove to whoever that they have changed.
PLEASE, don't be harsh on yourself. That's what affairs do...make us crazy, doubtful, and turn on ourselves. That is never a good thing. Yeah, you jumped to the wrong conclusion in reality this time. But, I think you jumped the the exact right conclusion given the history and the situation. Your little voice of reason was making you behave in an absolutely correct way. Listen to that little voice. Don't yell at your little voice because this *one* time, your MM was telling the truth. Hugs to you.
Bird