I wanted to just let this go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
I wanted to just let this go...
4
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:27am
Hello all! I've been posting here that I feel very emotionally detached from XMM and the A and am working on rebuilding my marriage, which is all true. But Friday morning I found a text message on my phone from XMM just saying that he had a dream about me and wanted to check in and say hi. The text was transmitted at about 2:30 a.m., which also annoys me because he never does these things in the "light of day." He has consistently tried to contact me in the middle of the night. I don't know if its because that's when he's been drinking or because that's when his resistance is lowest. Well,I didn't respond to his text, and my initial reaction was annoyance and like "oh, here we go again!" I didnt think much of the text, but didn't delete it from my messages either. Well, 4 days later its still with me. It's started me thinking about him a little bit again. Plus, his birthday is in a few days and for the past few weeks I had been toying with the idea of sending him a card or something.

So, his one stupid text message got me thinking again. Thinking that I OWE him some closure, an explanation for ending the A, etc. Even that I OWE him a birthday card! And I just don't want to even go there! I try to remember that I don't OWE him anything. He's a big boy, the A is over, and I'm committed to rebuilding my marriage. It just frustrates me so much that he sends me these randoms reminders of him and obviously still has enough influence over me to at least get me thinking about him.

I'm not going to respond and I'm not going to send him a birthday card. I guess I just feel...I'm not even sure what. Resentful? Manipulated? I'm in a good emotional place, and I just don't need or want his occasional interruption of my peace of mind. Well, I just wanted to share that with some folks who will understand. It's alot of work to make the decision to end an A and stick with it, and I don't need him trying to dissuade me from doing what I feel is right. Love to you all, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:54am
Stick with your gut and ignore the message! Myself being the "dumpee" in the A, I know I sent a few "feeler" messages in moments of weakness like the one you received. Just ignore it. Responding to it will only open a new can of worms for both you and him. If you asked me a few months ago I would have said maybe you should have that "closure" conversation with him but I realize now something like that will only lead to more questions and opening wounds again.

From your messages you seem to be doing very well in your recovery. It is not expected that your feelings for him can go away "just like that" but as it slips further into the past it becomes easier. I would venture to say that the A is going to be something that will be with you for a long time. But, look at it as a learning experience and something that has allowed you to redevote yourself to your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:38pm
I just signed up for the message board today after having a terrible weekend. My story is so long, the A has lasted for 10 years. In the past there have been several occasions where we have tried to end the A, but within days or even as long as months we always come back. When I read your message I knew exactly how you were feeling. I have been married for 16 years and am trying to work on our relationship. I started going to therapy last year and my husband has went a couple of times. I have been trying to let go of the A for the past year in a smart way, a way that will last. Well this past weekend I went to a ballgame and the OM showed up with his XW, of which he has been divorced from for 3 years, she is remarried, but separated. He didn't even have the courtesy to warn me about this. My only warning is that for the last month he has spoke of her numerous times and it wasn't hate. Of course I'm hurting and reading your email made me realize how hard it is going to be to be strong, but I' hoping that by joining this message board I can give and get support. I always want closure myself, but my friends try to convince me that I do not need it. I haven't heard from him today, which I expected, because he won't want to face me. We work together but atdifferent offices and our children are on the same sports teams, so it is impossible for me to not be in his presence. Thank you for sharing your weaknesses and strengths with me. It seems that our situations are similar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:43pm
Hi Mo, I was reading your post and wondering a couple of things. Is this the first time you ignored a middle-of-the-night message? Also, have you told him not to contact you at all? He may very well be sending you things just so you don't stop thinking about him. (Little do they know that we think about them a lot!!) If you really don't want to hear from him anymore make sure you are clear and you might want to change your pager or cellphone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:41am
Mo~

I have a few minutes to catch up on the boards before getting ready for work but wanted to respond. Your post made me think of the "other" side of this...of the other person (in my case, exMM) who really wants to end the affair---not out of hate, spite, or selfishness, but what is "right" for them---thanks for that perspective.

As for your situation---you know he's hurting. But you also know its not YOUR place to take care of whatever he is feeling or going through. Of course, its going to get you thinking about him....you are human and did have some feelings for him. Accept that fact and move on....the more you try to deny it and stuff it down, the more it will problematic for you. You know you are on the right path for you.....don't worry about him. I suspect that his upcoming birthday may have had something to do with the text message---kind of trying to put him at the forefront of your mind---but you know if you cave, it will not have good results.

Hope you are doing better today!

dharma