i was so close

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
i was so close
13
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 10:47pm
So close. To being a super tweener on august 27th. I don't want to get into the details of why or what i said but i emailed. He didn't wb of course. I wasn't exactly fishing but i guess it counts as contact. I hate to think about restarting a clock and reaching a certain date in order to say i am past him and over him. Because i feel that i am just as much as before i emailed. It wasn't even about him or wanting him. I wanted a certain something from him as a favor. rationally i knew he wouldn't do it but in that moment.i was in such a state due to circumstances that i wrote to him without thinking even almost like i was out of body or on autopilot. It was weird. But that is what happened. And i think i don't get a six month medal.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 1:40pm

Like a no-contact panic button, Pink!! :smileyhappy: Thanks for your kind words too.

You know, I AM a supertweener from my other A (how bad does that sound, my other A...multiple As:smileysad: ) BUT, I am a supertweener somewhere! That A began after the other one ended and I am even almost a VET ...we stopped talking oh, in late September I think? I don't even know the date but that's almost a year! So, yay me, he would certainly take the bait if I fished in a needy moment and I have never ever tried to reach him... thoughts of him do make me cringe though, like WHAT WAS I THINKING and how could I DO that...wish I felt that way over A1!

But I am definitely doing okay regardless of the little stumble. I would be far worse without support here. xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 12:04pm

Awww (((Miss)))

Your honesty and integrity come shining through...even made my eyes well up a bit.

Okay....I'll start you back at square one, but only as far as the counter goes...you've assured me that are you confident in your progress made thus far and in you knowledge that no counter can ever tick that away.

Prepare to receive new Tweener wings, to replace those that kinda got all messed up in the crash, on 11/16/12.

the biggest (((((HUG)))))) I can muster without squeezing the life outta ya :smileyhappy:

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 10:51am

Those words mean a lot to me...all of yours...Letho, it is true that so many of us think something about our situation was special, unique, different. They really are not. And the funny thing is that I thought since we got together in a way that I have yet to see from anyone else, I thought that surely made me unique, I mean, it was SO forbidden, our A MUST have been 'special' - but the feelings - that it's a once-in-a-lifetime love as you put it, those feelings are not unique to you or me or anyone else.

It doesn't mean that the feelings weren't real for all of us though. I know, the relationship is not considered 'real' and there is an argument of affair-love vs authentic love. But, affair love is still 'real' - meaning it exists and isn't something made up if that makes sense - we feel what we feel.

I know for sure my 'love' was affair love. It couldn't be anything else. He was not someone in my actual life, he was not someone I knew very well, it was a crush that spiraled out of control and turned into my escape-from-reality project. Wow, for a while there I really thought it seemed tempting to leave my life for him?? Not that it was ever an option.

But this is why I am happy to be on these boards, because although it is a reality check that No, Miss, you didn't feel more for him than anyone else on here, I do need that reality check and the support of a community of others who understand what it means to have an affair (after never understanding how someone could do it - until I did it myself), and this place to share it all.

Clarity - next time I will come here first. And - I appreciate the generous offer to start me as a super tweener in 3 months, but, technically...I broke contact whether or not I had tweener wings; whether or not the email landed in outerspace; whether or not he read it; whether or not he responds. I still clicked send and fired it off. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone else legitimately following the clock we've established.

I am certainly no newbie - I am well over a year out now, I have grown, learned, overcome the 'obsession' factor... but I have sent emails and have thus not been completely NC. I had those wings on and was flying away but I guess they just felt weak from all the flying and I landed too soon. I will start over for purposes of the board :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 10:58pm

I'm so glad you posted in...I get worried when peeps break NC and well, you know...where'd they go?...why'd they go?..are they in trouble?  

Yeh, coping skills...not anyone's strong suit here...you're not alone in that regard.

I'm also glad to hear that there will be no more dumpster diving...lol...it's a dirty job and you just don't come out smelling pretty.  So, you're going to come here if the urge strikes, right?  right? *up close in the screen....in your face* :smileyhappy:  Working and having a new-born  (and all the other things you do ) is tiring business, and when we get tired, we are vulnerable. I'm afraid to tell you to get your rest because I figure I'd have to duck from all the sucker punches from moms..."REST!  YOU MUST BE KIDDING AND NOT HAVE CHILDREN!"  Try to get in some quiet me time?  You know what I'm saying.

I've noted your date of August 16, 2012.  So that means, ummm...let's see, I think I see confusion starting to rein.  Okay, you are already a Tweener with a new date.  So..what?...in 3 months we'll consider you a SuperTweener?  You okay with that? I'm okay with that :smileyhappy:

Keep posting in when you can.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 10:17pm
Aughhh! I had a long thought out response typed and my phone crashed and I lost it(((
But in short: I am sorry it took me a while - i am back at work this week and did not have a.chance before now to come on the board.
I thank all who responded for understanding that I lost a battle but I didn't lose the war...
Clarity, I could never accept my medal under false pretenses! I understand the clock does start over. Is it the day after NC...aug 16...?
I definitely have poor coping skills. And there really was this sense of autopilot...I had a really hard day that day and it just struck me that in that moment I didn't care.that I was breaking NC. i just needed to ask him this.favor.
And whether i want to believe it or not, yeah. I was probably fishing. I am comforted by the extreme likelihood i am blocked to him. He's only filtered to trash on my side, can't block but i tend to check trash...but it's time to stop dumpster diving!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 1:45pm

Miss...Miss...come in please.  Let us know how you are doing.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 10:57am

Hi Miss,

Just want to say how much I admire you for posting that here. I have read your story and know that the feelings run deep for you with XAP. Its so damn hard to get them out of our system, they are always there invading our thoughts and suddenly something snaps within us and we begin to rationalise in our heads a reason why we should or need to contact them. I know this is something I battle with a lot. So far so good but some days it is a mighty battle, I just pray I keep winning the battle. So you lost a little battle 6 days ago, pick yourself up and dust down. You know and we all do that ultimately you will win the war. Wishing you strength Miss. You will do this.

 

(((Hugs)))

Sunny Soon Xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 9:59am

Miss-

Its not wings that show that our healing.  Its not a magic number of days of NC.  Its our self-awareness, self-control and self-soothing that shows our progess.  Notice all of that is about 'self'.  If auto pilot is still taking over than it just shows some areas of 'self' need more attention.

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 3:37am

Ahhhh...Miss.... I'm so sorry to ready this :-(

But I'm glad you fessed up and are here to give it another chance. I know you have a lot on your plate with a little baby to look after - and I guess it was a coping method in a stressfull time - but you do need to find a new way to cope under stress.

I still today, and have that instant thought under stress - "xAP would take my mind off this". The thing is xAP didn't solve my problems, just pushed them to the back ground. You HAVE to deal head on with what the problem is - STOP looking for excuses to ignore the core of the issue.

Miss - my heart goes out to you. Back on the wagon, you have so much to give, and you've learnt another valuable lesson on this never ending journey.

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 11:57pm

You are too cute.  I don't know what's worse sometimes for some...breaking contact or having to come here and fess up...lol. Kudos anyways for fessing up to hold yourself accountable.

When I read the title of your thread, I hoped to read that you were so close to contacting him but didn't and came here instead.  Sure wish you had.  We would have surely talked you out of it.

Now, I don't know who this pilot dude, named Auto is...I've heard his name mentioned by others...he seems to get blamed a lot for putting people in some kind of trance and driving them to the bad place...against their will.   You might want to do a Quarry check on him.

I agree that just because you made contact...and I consider it making contact...whether he replied or not...and he still could...that it does not put YOU back at square one...just your counter.  It's not like you haven't learned anything...you have made progress.  I just would hate to see it put out the wrong message to those who really struggled to do it right so they could arrive at Supertweenville fair and square..kwim?

When the ticker counter concept first came out, some of us had to reset our counter several times...'til we got it right. It never meant that we weren't further along in our healing...it meant more that we still had work to do.  I don't want to make you feel worse than you are probably already feeling, but you understand, right?  I think you do...because you could have not said anything and received your reward, and no one would have been the wiser...but you did fess up because you wouldn't have felt right in your heart receiving it, right?  So, you let me know what you consider to be your NC date so I can note it in my files.

Now, Miss, what are you going to do if he writes back?  

((hugs))

Clarity

 


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