I wasn't looking

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
I wasn't looking
15
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:58am
I'm a 36 year old man, and as far as I knew, until a few months ago, very happily married. Over the last several months I started sharing basic relationship feelings about my marriage and hers with the wife of a close friend, and it has caused me to look at things in my own relationship very differently. Instead of being happily married, I now feel like I am missing a very key physical element in my marriage. See, my wife is a great friend, mother, and overall a very likeable person. But she isn't into me, not in a sexual way. Sure, we have sex, and she enjoys it when we do, but she rarely instigates. I have never in 10 years of marriage been turned down when I make the move, but it seems that if we are going to have sex, it's up to me. Well, this "Friend" seems to be quite opposite. She is very sexual. In her relationship, sex is a key ingredient, and important enough to her that it is a priority to create a sexual environment in her home several times each week, i.e. candles, music, lingerie, etc. For us, bed is bed, that's where we sleep, and I can roll on top if I want/need to, but she could really take it or leave it anyway. When I go out with the boys, I am often approached by very attractive women, and though it isn't difficult for me to say "no thanks, I'm married", I am really starting to wonder what the reason is that my own wife doesn't want to jump my bones when these complete strangers are openly making advances. Help me understand!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:10am
It's actually pretty simple. The OW can create the "atmosphere" and all the extra "goodies" because your A is an escape. It's NOT real life.

Either my DH or I could have written your post a year or so ago. We've been married 18 years. We're raising kids together, paying bills, maintaining the house, blah, blah, blah. It's almost impossible to keep that kind of excitement that you feel when you initially become involved with a new sexual partner for 18 years, especially when you're seeing each other at their very worst moments.

I think over time marriages become comfortable and the reality is that you're more like partners and best friends than hot lovers like you may once have been. But sex does not define a relationship. It may seem huge to you right now because it's the one key component missing from your marriage, but that, in and of itself, will not make a relationship wonderful. Same is true for being approached by strangers. It's just a mood and an atmosphere. A PURE ESCAPE. And I think we all know that over time we bury some of our "issues" in the sex act. If we feel hostility toward our spouse, we may take it out there. If we've had a bad day, we may be apathetic toward sex. If the kids have driven us crazy all day, we may want to just curl up in a ball and sleep!

Strangers in a bar - you don't have all that baggage between you and them. Plus, they may be out that evening specifically seeking to create that atmosphere and mood, so they're bringing with them the very best they have to offer. Your spouse can't always do that, doesn't always have the energy, etc. But if she's a great wife, mother and friend, you're pretty darned blessed.

JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:35am
I found your story interesting. I too, am happily married of 18+ yrs. I have a good friend at work that I have gotten very close to. We just have tremendous chemistry. I have for the last several years initiated sex w/my h almost everyday. He was turning me down at times, saying he just doens't want it every day. So I told him ok, I am just going to stop. I've brought new toys to the bedroom, lingere, everything you can think of. He hasn't done anything. So I totally understand where you are coming from. I say to talk to her, and tell her how bad you want her to do these things. I've talked to my h about it, asked him to be more affectionate, more romantic, etc.

It's now been a couple of years of having these feelings for my friend and I am caving. I feel like I asked for what I wanted and am not going to get it. Life is too short to have regrets.

I've mixed my feelings in with your situation, but I just wanted you to know that I understand. This place is for venting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:14am
Hi, mangoingcrazy, thought you might want to check out the board called "Clashing Libidos", which deals with this problem of partners with differing sex drives.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 4:06am
Thanks for that reply...can I just have her call you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:15am
Maybe you should buy her a magazine subscription to Redbook or Cosmopolitan. Almost all of woman's magazines now have topics on keeping your sex life hot!

: )
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:05am
Here's an interesting fact for you: My husband would probably describe me much the way you described your wife. While my XOM would probably describe me the way you describe your "friend." The way we are in an A is not the way we necessarily are in "real" life.

If you haven't been turned down by your wife in 10 years of marriage -- never a "headache"? never an "I'm too tired?" -- I would say you have it G-O-O-D! :) Seriously. I am 36. My girlfriends & I talk. I know that most of them are NOT into sex with their husbands anymore. One of my friends -- who is gorgeous and has a great-looking husband -- actually made "have sex once a week" her Lenten "sacrifice" -- and I don't mean they were cutting BACK on the sex!!!

My H and I actually have a good sex life compared to that. But I'm a mom, I get tired, worn out, touched out by the end of the day. My H is still attractive, wonderful, etc., but the routines of life make sex a low priority to me a lot of times. I have been trying to change that since I got out of the A, which I realized was an escape from the realities of life, which is why the sexual aspect was so exciting and nice... A couple of things that have spiced things up for us recently include sneaking in a private lunch date together at home now & then and going away for a night somewhere without kids every once in awhile. My H is also never more attractive to me than when he helps out at home, tells me I'm beautiful, and makes me feel like the most important thing in his life.

I hope you aren't in too deep with this "friend," because as you can see from this board, an A never ultimately ends in a completely pain-free manner!!! Count your blessings. I wish I had done that a long time ago. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 6:55pm
First stop talking to that other woman, she is off-limits to you and you aren't going to find what you are looking for through her. Suggest to your wife that the two of you redecorate your bedroom. Take it on as a couple's project. Buy some nice sheets, lots of pillows and a fluffy comforter. Install lighting that can be dimmed. Purchase some nice sound system and soft music. Frame and hang pictures of the two of you during times you are having fun. Studies have shown that pictures of themselves as a fun loving couple are truly aphrodisiacs. If this room has an attached bathroom, purchase some nice bath salts, thick towels, candles and bath accessories to make bath time a fun couple activity. Make this your playroom. Get rid of reminders of your children and any items that indicate household chores. The biggest killer of marital sex is reminders that there are chores to be done and that you are parents. Make this room the area where you are a couple and can have fun with one another. By working with her to create this room, you will be modeling how important you think your life as lovers is to the marriage. She will likely get into the spirit and make some suggestions. Keep modeling your enthusiasm. Role-modeling works but you have to be consistent. I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 4:57pm
Did your H every find out about your A? My thoughts right now are that I have to end it, and hope she never finds out. At the same time, I don't want to hurt the OW. What a position to be in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:33pm
That is by far the best advice I have ever been given, and I have talked to more people than just this board. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:36pm
No, thank god, he never did find out. It makes me SICK when I think about how I risked *everything* that was so dear to me. My kids' happiness, my marriage, my husband's feelings, my really wonderful life... I can't believe I did that. For 5+ years. I swear, an affair is an addiction and it makes us blind to the real world around us, and all the possible consequences of our actions.

There is no way to get out of an A without someone getting hurt. If I remember correctly, you also are friends w/ the OW's H. That is *really* a sticky situation to be in. I hope you find the strength to get out of it before you get in any deeper. It will only get harder if you don't. I am not trying to preach to you, just hoping to prevent some pain.

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