I wasn't looking

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
I wasn't looking
15
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:58am
I'm a 36 year old man, and as far as I knew, until a few months ago, very happily married. Over the last several months I started sharing basic relationship feelings about my marriage and hers with the wife of a close friend, and it has caused me to look at things in my own relationship very differently. Instead of being happily married, I now feel like I am missing a very key physical element in my marriage. See, my wife is a great friend, mother, and overall a very likeable person. But she isn't into me, not in a sexual way. Sure, we have sex, and she enjoys it when we do, but she rarely instigates. I have never in 10 years of marriage been turned down when I make the move, but it seems that if we are going to have sex, it's up to me. Well, this "Friend" seems to be quite opposite. She is very sexual. In her relationship, sex is a key ingredient, and important enough to her that it is a priority to create a sexual environment in her home several times each week, i.e. candles, music, lingerie, etc. For us, bed is bed, that's where we sleep, and I can roll on top if I want/need to, but she could really take it or leave it anyway. When I go out with the boys, I am often approached by very attractive women, and though it isn't difficult for me to say "no thanks, I'm married", I am really starting to wonder what the reason is that my own wife doesn't want to jump my bones when these complete strangers are openly making advances. Help me understand!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 7:03pm
You are absolutely right. Well, what they don't know about our past can't hurt them, but we both will probably carry it with us as baggage forever. Am I right to think that there is no reason to ever tell? Is there any counsel regarding doing the right thing and coming clean, or just ending the A and moving on as if nothing happened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 6:18pm
Hi! I look at these message boards often but I seldom post myself. I just wanted to voice my opinion, maybe I'll try posting more often too... please don't start something where somebody will get hurt at the end. Affairs never end happily. It almost cost me my marriage. I love my H but still think about XMM all the time (it's been like 8 or 9 months now??) I agree with the other members who were talking about sex seeming more wonderful without the baggage that comes with it. I think for some women married guys are sexy (able to commit in a relationship) and a "challenge" as well. You seem to have everything in your marriage except that type of really exciting sex you see in the movies -- which isn't the same in real life. Is it that important? You have a stable relationship. Do you know how many people would do everything for a loving spouse? I'm not in your shoes so I can't judge... sorry I'm having a bad day. Oh well, these boards are for venting!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 8:06pm
It sounds like your wife just isn't a very self-assertive person, including the bedroom. That's not necessarily a bad thing. She does what's she's supposed to do adequately, but chances are she feels some emptiness also. My best advice would be to encourage her to express her thoughts and feelings in various ways. I wouldn't start with sex because she'd probably be likely to tailor it to your desires. There's probably a whole other side to her that you, and probably she, knows very little about. If you can get her to stop controlling herself so tightly, she would probably not be fearful of spontaneity. I think you both could have a lot more fun. Redecorating the bedroom, etc., are good if she feels good about it and is not just going along, feeling pressured, inadequate, etc. Best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:42pm
I don't generally post here either, but I too felt the urge to throw out my 2 cents. My H would probably describe me in much the same way you describe your W. For a long time I wasn't sure why I wasn't all that interested in sex with him. He's a good guy, he's in good shape, he's attractive, etc. I enjoyed the sex, but it wasn't like I craved it or anything. Then I met XMM and I began to figure it out. XMM and I didn't have a physical relationship but we did have an incredible emotional connection. And that is what is missing from my M. I know my H loves me, but he doesn't really see the point in making an effort to show me. He's gone a lot - we don't see each other very much. And when he is around he expects me to be all hot for him even though he hasn't been around for me or paid me any attention. I'm sorry but for me it just doesn't work that way. I've learned that sex to meet physical needs only goes so far. Sex as part of a deep emotional connection goes MUCH farther.

In my case I love XMM deeply and he loves me. But his W found out about us and in the end it was decided we should cut contact and put ourselves 100% into our Ms - see if we can make them work. It hurts like hell but we both know it is the right thing to do.

Thanks for letting me share!

Peace

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 3:00pm
I'm a MW. I love my H and have an "emotional" connection with a MM. It hasn't gone very far, but it could get ugly because I'm thinking about it all the time. What do you suggest? I don't want to end it because it is sooooo exciting. I know that neither I nor my MM are trying to mess up our homes? Any advice for keeping feelings and the relationship with MM from interfering with the rest of my life?

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