I wish, I wish, I wish
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| Fri, 01-07-2005 - 6:08pm |
For anyone out there who has ended their A because they knew it wasn't going anywhere, and then didn't stick to NC, take it from me. I wish I would've stuck to it the first time I ever told him goodbye. Now he doesn't believe it anymore when I say I no longer want to see him, and I can't say that I blame him. I let him in my house once again today. Nothing physical has happened between us since he (supposedly) ended things with me in November, and I posted the other day how I told him not to come by anymore, and then screwed up in our conversation, basically inviting him to come back. Well he showed up this morning, I opened the door and he pretty much grabbed me and kissed me! I couldn't help myself. We totally made out. (that's all) It was so emotional for me and felt so good. Then I asked him what the hell we were doing and all he said was he didn't know. then as he was leaving he told me to text him if I don't want him coming over anymore. WHY BOTHER!!! He doesn't believe me anymore anyway, and I completely don't trust myself either. I know he's probably laughing inside thinking "I got her again." I'm so mad at myself! I hate myself! He's not even trying to tell me he's gonna leave his W anymore, he just figures he can have us both now I guess, and I let him do it! I've never thought he was an a**hole until now! I have been going over it in my head all day! One measly minute of pleasure for a whole lot of pain to follow. I have to get out of this. I can't text him and tell him NC. I just have to do it! I don't think it is even wise for me to give him an explanation. I just want to fall off the planet so he can't find me, and know I'm done. Why am I so weak?! I want this to just be over!!!
PAL

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Pal
" I completely don't trust myself either. I know he's probably laughing inside thinking "I got her again."
You bet ya.
" I want this to just be over!!!"
DO YOU, IF YOU DO YOU WILL END IT, IT'S NOT ENDING BEFORE THAT.
Free
Pal,
Guess what? You are back in the limbo loop, and *YOU* allowed this to happen. *YOU* are the one who opened that door. The ride will not come to a halt until you stop it, get off and STAY off. If you are satisfied with being his little "cheap trick" on the side, then by all means keep alluding yourself that this is what you want.
Id
**WISHING YOU A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!**
~ID~
Dear Pal:
I missed this message before. This has happened to me so many times over the past 15 months. I have had long periods of NC and then xMM contacts me sometimes for weeks until I break down and see him and we kiss etc. and it is so unfulfilling. The last time he got me to do this was after 4.5 months of NC and he bombarded me for two solid weeks faxs emails, voicemails at work until I broke down when he said NOW HE WAS READY TO MARRY ME. I saw him and slept with him that first day after I had made it so long with NC and within hours I could tell he was backing off from his professions of committment. But this last time--I was able to get the strength to break it off--it took me about a month--and really MEAN IT because it was just hopeless and I was sick of the pain.
I only slept with him that once in 15 months and I am proud of that because it brings me self respect. See my response to Kelly re: dating again--I have spent a long time healing and it does set me back when he contacts me like he did last week, but I have so many more good days now without pain. And I don't want to go back to that pain.
You have to fight to preserve yourself. I am glad that both you and I didn't spend years in this BS. I had an 8 m A and 15 months greiving--but at the 2 yr mark I am going to wrap this up and figure I made it out of this mess with just 2 yrs of my life lost. I know you will do the same and find someone who will give you 100%. Be strong for you.
Survive
Can totally relate. I had just posted earlier today that I had a moment of weakness when we saw each other and we made out for the couple minutes we had together. Then I gathered my senses and reminded myself that it only meant that the attraction was obviously still there between us, but that the "relationship" was still over.
I had an almost 3 year A with XMM, and during the last year and a half, I also went through countless break-ups, make-ups. I realized the more that happened, the less likely he was to take me seriously the next time. The only way he was able to take it seriously was when I actually stuck to my rules: no phone contact, no private in-person meetings. In other words, nothing that I can't tell my H about.
I guess he's still clear on that, I hope, seeing as how he hasn't tried to call me today given our 5 minute 'relapse' we shared over the weekend. The only way to really get your point across isn't with the same worn out words, it's by actually doing what you intend to do.
Stay strong.
Survive, and Hurtpup,
I'm glad you replied to this post because I posted it a while ago and it was fun to re-read. It brought me back to that day and I remember it vividly. That is also the last day I have allowed myself to have contact with him. I haven't let him in my house since. He has, however, tried to contact me but to no avail. I haven't answered his VM messages at all and I am so proud of myself. I've actually kind of turned this into a game of my own. I LOVE it when he tries to contact me because every time he does, and I don't respond I feel THAT much more powerful and he loses a little of his own dignity in my eyes. The day I posted this original message was the lowest I will ever get. I've had enough of it. He may not know I'm serious, but I do! I won't lie, I still miss him terribly, but it's only been a week and a half of NC and I feel GREAT!!! I feel EMPOWERED!!! And I hope he keeps trying to contact me, just for the pure satisfaction of blowing him off!!! I'm sure I will have relapses in my "healing" process, but for now I will relish the strength I've had to do this. It might not always be this easy and that's when I will need you guys again. WE CAN DO THIS!!!!
Pal
Pal
"The day I posted this original message was the lowest I will ever get. I've had enough of it."
Critical mass has been achived, thats the point when you really can start to move away from this slop once and for all.
Free
Free,
<>>>
As sad as I am that things didn't work out for me, that we didn't end up together as planned, I feel even better about the fact that I can be a strong person, respect myself, and am starting to be the person I lost while I was in the A.
And just so you know, he didn't directly try to contact me today, but at work we had a few call-and-hang-up after I answered and said hello 5 times. I don't know for sure that it was him but these hang ups have happened everyday since I've had NC with him. Unfortunately we don't have caller ID at work and our *69 has been deactivated. (cheap company.) I work with 9 other people who I suppose could have a "secret admirer" but just for kicks, I'd like to think it was him. I think I'm gonna start messing with the caller from now on. I'll ask "him" to at least breathe heavy before he hangs up. Anyway, do you know if there is any other way I can find out who the hang upper is? Even if it isn't him, it gets annoying to be interrupted by a prankster. TIA!!
PAL
Pal
Your phone company can track down any call made to any number, the police use phone records all the time.
Free
Dear Charit:
I believe that even if you relapse--such as I did a few days ago--after 4 months-- that it is easier the next time to start the NC and keep it. We have both had practice at it. We both know we can survive it.
I don't know--but I feel peaceful today--Day 1 of NC I guess I have already said everything there is to say to xMM and he to me and it seems like we are at peace with it. I don't think I can't live without him anymore because I know now that I can (its been 15 months since the A ended)
I think time heals all wounds even with relapses
Survive
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