I would like some thoughts on my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
I would like some thoughts on my story
7
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:30pm
I have lurked for awhile and would like to post. Please forgive me if this is a little long. As you can see from my screen name, I live in the southern state of Arkansas. I have been married for 20 plus years and have a family. I met a man about 10 years ago at work and we struck up a fast friendship. He too was married with a family. He was on his second marriage when we met. My MM and I developed the most wonderful friendship and what I would call a very tight bond between us. We talked daily and we connected so well. We could talk about anything. I truly believe that we both intended for the friendship to remain just that, a friendship in the beginning. We were truly friends and didn't really have any physical attraction at first. We genuinely enjoyed each others company. We are also of very different racial backgrounds and neither of us ever expected our friendship to turn to more because we were both raised to believe that interracial relationships and marriages were wrong. It is highly looked down on in this town that we live in and the few people that are in interracial relationships usually end up breaking up or moving elsewhere because society in our town does not tolerate this and it causes tons of problems. MM and I both grew up in this town so we are both well known and we would never be able to survive in a relationship in this town, with our families, or in our jobs. We knew this and we were able to keep our relationship strictly as friends for a very good while.
Then things started to change. MM was going through a difficult time in his second marriage. He and his wife had not gotten along in years and she had started seeing someone else. Naturally, the lack of attention at home pushed him closer to me. We ended up falling hard for one another and we confessed our love to each other daily. It lead to intimacy a couple of times. MM wanted so much to try and save his marriage so we decided to back off from the intimacy and just remain good friends. We both knew that we had grown too attached to each other and MM definitely could not salvage his marriage with me in the picture. He started telling me that he was just going through the motions at home and he needed to get his mind off me and focus more on his marriage. Of course the EMA also caused me to have problems in my marriage. MM and I both knew there could never be a permanent relationship between us as long as we remained in this town and our families are here, so we knew there was no way we could ever be together. The strange thing is that even though we knew we were in an EMA, we never admitted it to each other. We always just said that we were good friends. Neither of us wanted to admit to each other or to ourselves that we were actually in an EMA. We continued to talk and to grow closer. We always thought that as long as we had stopped the sex that we could still talk and be just friends. We were actually caught up in an emotional affair but neither one of us wanted to admit it.
MM tried to make his marriage work, but his wife wanted out and she eventually divorced him. He took it very hard. He raised his stepchildren as his own and when she left she took everything away from him. This was the second divorce for him and the second time a wife had left and taken children from him that he loved and adored. He started to become a very bitter person, basically because of the fact that both wives had left and taken his whole world away. He had always been a very giving and unselfish person. The divorce made him start to change into a bitter and uncaring person and he became very selfish. He started to live for himself and never to trust anyone again. He srarted to back away from me and he quit talking to me except for business reasons. I tried to reassure him that I was still there for him and he could always trust me and count on me. I loved him very deeply and I tried to reassure him of that. The harder I tried to be there for him, the more he seemed to pull away. I decided to leave him alone and give him some time to heal. I assumed that in time he would heal and we could be close again. He started to date and go on with his life. I was still married, but miserable. MM knew that my family would never accept him and his family would never accept me in a permanent relationship so he never asked me to leave my husband for him. That was 3 years ago. MM has continued to date and I ended up divorced last year. In the last 3 years MM and I have grown apart because our lives have changed. Once I was divorced, I thought that he might want to try to be in a real relationship with me and that maybe together we could somehow make it in this prejudice town that we live in. Even though we have grown apart over the last 3 years, we have still maintained on occasion to tell each other that we love each other. I have let him know that I wanted a real relationship and marriage with him and that I was willing to try very hard to make it work. MM also knows that he is part of the reason that my marriage ended. He kwows that I was deeply in love with him and that it ended up ruining my marriage. I just knew that he would want to try a relationship with me, but from what little I can get out of him, he just wants to date and doesn't want to be married. I am feeling like he is scared of marriage and I have made it very clear to him that I am not going to be anyone's sideshow or be used strictly for sex. I let him know that i wanted a real relationship and marriage someday. Naturally, this has left me heartbroken. I know he dates and has sex with women. He only dates one at a time, but he never wants in a permanent relationship with anyone. I felt he would be different with me because of how strong our love was. I thought this would also be enough to get us through what we would have to deal with in this town. After my divorce, my family eventually found out that i had been involved with him and they have disowned me. My mother and father want nothing to do with me. I have told ex-MM about this so he knows that what we always said would happen with our families has truly happened with mine. His family still does not know about me. I hope they never do if it ends up causing him the heartache that I have had.
I am trying to put my life back together now. I am pretty certain now that I will never have a future with ex-MM. I am now seeing my exhusband and we are talking about trying to rebuild our marriage. I figure that I should give it a try and my exhusband also wants to. We are in counseling and we are dealing with all of the issues that lead to our divorce, including ex-MM. I look back now and I really don't know what to think. I know that ex-MM and I really loved each other. Now he has changed so much. He is so insecure and still so bitter. I still see lots of issues with him trusting women. I also see lots of selfishness. I feel like all the times that I tried to let him know how much I loved and wanted him in the last couple of years was nothing but an ego boost for him. I feel like I have done nothing but chased him. I know that he would probably sleep with me if I let him, but I made it clear that I would not do that and that I wanted a relationship and that I would not take anything less. So basically he is going on with his miserable life and dating and getting all of his needs met from other women. I am just trying to make sense of it all and move on. I still love him very much and it is painful for me. Is it possible that he can still have feelings for me at all? Can he still love me after all this time, but he is going on with his life because of the way everything has happened? I just wish I knew that he still cared for me. That would probably help me in my healing process. I just need to convince my heart that it is time to let him go. Please feel free to post your opinions. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:01am

Razor

If your re-building with your husband way are you concerning yourself with XMMs feelings for you. Is hubby the boubby prize because you can't get XMM into a relationship ?

Are you one hundred percent commited to your husband and the effort to re-build your marriage it sure does not sound like it, if not is it fair to do this to your husband.

2 women left XMM what makes you think it would not be 3 if you did get him, there was a reason they left and it was as much about him as them.

Did he marry either of his wives from an affair ?

Something like 75 - 85 percent of second marriages fail third marriages approach 100 percent you may have dodged the bullit not getting XMM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:26am
Hello Mefreenow, yes, MM married his second wife from an affair. She was married when he started seeing her. He was divorced. They worked together and she started telling him how miserable she was in her marriage and she had 4 kids and a husband that wouldn't work. MM fell for it and they ended up in an affair. He fell madly in love with her and her kids. He always told me that he knew that it was wrong but that he fell hard for her. He said she hooked him with attention, sex, and his love for kids. He said that he had just gone through his first divorce and he was at a low point. She came along and started to spend time with him and tell him how miserable she was at home and they ended up in an affair. She left her husband and moved in with him and she and her kids lived with him as she went through her divorce. As soon as her divorce was final, they got married. He really loved her. He also loved children and had none of his own, so he loved hers. Then she eventually left him for another man. Kind of a sad story. She played him. It is usually the man that does the playing. By the way, she was of the same race as he was, so he had no problem being with her. Anyway, I don't mean to put so much emphasis on wondering if he cares for me. It just makes me feel a little better to hope that he really cared for me. It makes it a little easier to let go. I am not saying that MM is right in his thoughts, but I can sort of see why he is bitter toward women after the way his second wife did him. Again, I am not saying that what he has done was right because it's not. he made a mistake when he entered into an affair with wife #2 and then with me. Since then, he has told me that he will never get involved with another married woman because he ended up getting burned from both ends. I just know from his past that I am different that any of the other women that he has had. I loved him completely and I never wanted him for his material things. I was also of a different race. His other women wanted him for a meal ticket and then they dump him. I remember that he used to tell me that I was of a different "breed" than what he was normally attracted to. I didn't use him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 2:19am

Razor

I noticed that you had NOTHING to say about your HUSBAND your only interest seems to be in that poor poor man that gets into relationships with married women, HE is not the victim here "if" there is one it is your husband.

I don't wish to sound mean but I think you really are for the most part looking at XMM through rosecolored glasses, his XW may or may not have played him but I doubt it more then likely she discovered after getting him that he has some serious issues that made him hard to live with, maybe the fact that he cheated on her was one of them. nothing about his second marriage explains his first divorce unless it happen during his affair with the second wife the same way things went under while he was cheating on her with you.

But none of the above really matters the question remains are you commited 100 percent to your husband and the effort to rebuild your marriage to the total exclusion of XMM if he offers you that relationship you want/wanted YES or NO ?

If the answer is not NO then be fair to you Xhusband and be honest with him and the MC.

Feelings are great things but you always have to remember that OTHER PEOPLE have them to.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 11:02am
Hey Mefreenow, I am just now getting back on to read your posts. Let me see if I can explain a little better. Ex-MM's first wife was very young when they married. He was 8 years older than her. They were married for 2 years and she left him 3 times during those 2 years before she finally left him for good. He came home one day and she had taken all of their furniture and cleaned out their bank account. He never heard from her again so he filed for divorce. He was not unfaithful to her. He assumed she left because she was so young and wasn't ready to get married. He started talking to wife #2 shortly after that and he was still depressed from the first divorce. He got involved in an EMA with her and then she left her husband and married him. She started another EMA within a year of the marriage. She eventually left MM for her new EMA partner. She did not leave him because he was involved with me. She never knew about me. I was not a factor in her leaving him. She left him because she was in her own EMA. He was never unfaithful to her either until he became involved with me and that was at the very end od their marriage. She left him to pursue a new relationship with her new EMA partner. So even though my MM has made mistakes, he was devastated by the second divorce. It changed him into a bitter person.
I don't think that I am looking at him through rose colored glasses. I know he isn't perfect. He never cheated on wife #1 and he only cheated with me on wife #2 after he discovered that she had already been unfaithful. It was obvious. She divorced him for another man. I know that he has issues and insecurities because of his failed marriages.
As far as my husband is concerned, yes I have mixed feelings because I am still in love with ex-MM. My husband knows all of this. We have addressed all of this in marriage counseling. My husband is aware that it might not work out between us.
I think it is just natural to wonder if ex-MM still cares anything about me. I still work with him and we see each other daily. I wonder if it is possible to really get over someone when you see them daily. I know that I am not over him and I wonder is he really over me. Since men seem to be so good at hiding their feelings, I can't tell how he feels and I don't want to ask because that makes me look desperate. I feel that it is only natural for me to wonder if he still cares. I only posted here to see what others thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 11:18am

Razor

I am sure you will get other responses to your post.

I will leave you with one or ten thoughts.

1)you only know what XMM told you about his past and the situation in both his marriages, how much was truth and how much fabricated or streached to get your sypathy you don't know.

2)what his wife knew you don't know, it is common when cheating to become distant from the spouse, there are signs that can suggest that something is going on and hey she was experienced and could spot them.

3)Is it LOVE or is it something else, affairs confuse the hell out of the emotions.

GOOD LUCK REBUILDING

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:45pm
Hey Mefreenow, Thanks for posting back. I appreciate your answers. I don't get offended. I know you are correct that we don't ever really know if how much they tell us is true or not. I am pretty sure that most of what he told me was true because I knew his wife on a personal basis. We have known each other since school days. If she had ever known about he and I, she would definitely had said something to me about it. Even now that they are divorced if she ever heard it, she would still ask me. I was just curious about his feelings. I guess really he is the only one that can answer that. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 5:26pm

I read your story and thought it was interesting. As far as XMM's feelings towards you...well it's hard to say. I believe mental/emotionally healthy males are pretty straightforward with there feelings through their words and actions. It's been my experience that emotionally troubled men give mixed messages through their actions and words. One minute they say how much they love and need you, next minute they don't return phone calls, etc. Only you can figure out where your XMM stands. Seems like you've been acquainted with him for about a decade, so I'm sure within that time he has probably revealed at least some of his "true self" if not all of it. Married men can be very shady though, so it's really hard to tell.

He might care for you a lot but does not want to express his feelings due to fear of his experience with wife #2 (as far as marrying and EMA partner), he may not want to deal with the social aspect of a serious partnership with you, and he may (for whatever reasons) just not be able to openly express his feelings. It's called a fear of intimacy. And there is the chance that he really is not able to "love" and maybe he really does not care for you as deeply as you think, or as much as he previously led you to believe. Some guys do get a thrill out of stringing a woman along.

Again, only you know him. And either way it does not matter what he feels for you because if I understand correctly your are currently rebuilding your marriage. It would be best to just move on. If you want you can believe he cared and just believe that you know it would have never worked out because of the race thing so it's best to move on and forget. Or you can believe he never really cared and you can count your blessings you never ended up with him. Whatever works for you.