In IC and Confused
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| Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:46am |
So I started IC last week went to my second session yesterday. This is the first time that I have ever been in IC so I guess I dont know what to expect but I am kinda confused. The first visit I told T about myself, the affair etc.. First she asked me
questions like why do I choose to stay in my marriage that was a hard one.. My H has some serious anger issues that I have been dealing with for years that he is working on. But last night she asked me questions like if I wanted to talk to MM could I? Why wasn't I with him if I cared so much for him. Asked me about him and his W's relationship..
Is this normal? I am trying so hard to move forward and that is the reason that I chose IC.. Feel like I am caught second guessing myself now with these questions..
Really would like all of your opinions..
Lost

One thing you need to understand were IC is concerned is that T can have there own agenda ideas that may not fit the norm for the profession, not every T is going to be a good match for you and were you ewant to go, is she does not fit you then you may have to decide to switch to someone else, this happens so don't worry to much about it if you have to.
She should be helping you go in the direction you want to she should not be working against your marriage.
One thing I would do is to make it clear to her were you want to go and that you expect her to help you not to try and change your decision to work on your marriage.
Free
Firstly, congrats on your decision to enter IC. It's a big step and one that shows you love yourself enough to learn about what makes you tick.
Yes, Lost, it's entirely normal. :)
If this is your second session, know that you are very much still in the information-gathering process. Your T is trying to draw a rough sketch of you which will be filled in, defined and added to as you go along your journey together. How you respond to the line of questions will assist her in forming a plan towards your treatment which you will discuss and agree together.
As Free points out, you are welcome to reinforce that it is your wish to remain in your marriage. You are at all times welcome to ask why a particular question or avenue of questioning is being followed.
It's entirely likely especially at this stage that your T is asking questions because she doesn't know you or your circumstances or how your affair affected you or those around you or how you came to make the decision to rebuild your marriage.
By asking questions such as *whether* you are able to contact exMM if you wanted to do so, I sincerely doubt she's recommending it for a single moment! I believe it's really going towards gathering info. Or if we follow the painting analogy then your T is getting a feel of who you are as well as what background to paint you against in order to help begin to paint that portrait.
If I were to say, "It is my decision to work on my marriage," that on it's own doesn't tell the T or even me much about why it's important to me to do so. It doesn't tell me how I came to make the decision to have an affair, what needs were met in the affair but not in the marriage, how that might have come about, etc. etc. etc. BUT asking me questions about the time before, during and after the affair most certainly will.
Equally, you may find experiences in your childhood are asked about and while your childhood is certainly over & done with, it all goes towards the melting pot of our own unique experiences that makes us all such individuals.
It takes time to build trust with your T and you should always feel free to discuss your fears or concerns and your treatment with your T.
Just my take on the ole IC business, hon.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
More then likely your right, but I know a lady that went to IC and the T told her she should not screw up a good affair to save her marriage, hard to believe but true, naturally she ended up loseing both her husband and the MM.
Life can be stranger then fiction.
Free
No matter where we go or what T we may attend, we always retain the ability to see only that which we wish to see. That and, of course, free will. There's just no escaping that whole free-will thang, is there? ;)
Also, given the strict confidentiality of IC, a T can hardly dispute whatever the patient has to say unless, of course, it's a court matter when other rules apply insofar as disclosure of confidential information and patient/therapist privilege.
Your rather extreme example does rather sound like the IC version of popular myths. Hehe.
Sure, life can sometimes be stranger than fiction. However, exactly many therapists have you experienced personally that would recommend such action and specifically against the express wishes of their patient? Probably not very many and perhaps only this one particular case about which I certainly have my doubts.
At all times the patient still retains free-will, whether to ditch the therapist for one more suitable, for no T at all, or simply to disregard the instructions handed down by one wholly unsubstantiated and rather bizarre sounding kinda out-there therapist.
I reminded Lost that she has every right to ask why certain lines of questioning are being followed as well as the right to agree her own method of treatment with her T and I even reiterated your suggestion that Lost might ensure she and her T are on the same page about Lost working on her marriage.
In any event, someone attending their second ever IC session is going to have questions and seek assurances. While those of us who've had or are having IC can explain much about generalities, Lost's questions are most properly addressed to Lost's own T who may then reassure Lost directly that her T doesn't have some mad, nefarious plan to single-handedly defeat & overturn the sacred state of marriage by recommending continuance of an affair...
Posie
Sarcasim is a waste of time and energy in my book so you wasted you time writing your last post.
The real world does not always fit the nice little picture we wish it would, there are in fact some strange people out there pushing strange ideas, I am not saying this is true of Lost T, the second visit is to early to know, I agree right now the T may BE JUST LEARNING ABOUT LOST.
Free will is a wonderful concept but were living in a world were people lose control to others everyday even when the don't see it, go look a a car bombing were some 18 year old dies at the command of some 70 year old cleric. A professional shrink is equipted to mess with the head of a confused patient, if you look down throught the posts we had a case of it on this board only about a week ago were the married T had his patient in bed by the third session.
Life is not so nice and black and white as you may want to believe.
Now should lost stay in IC YES by all means YES, but she should remain in control she is footing the bill and it is her life.
JMHO
Free
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My time is pretty much my own and with my free will I've elected to utilise it in responding to your post regarding a wholly unsubstantiated therapy scenario. Give me proof and I'll apologise for doubting the veracity of the story.
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Real life seldom resembles the picture we'd like it to resemble. My question here is:- Who exactly is the judge who defines "strange ideas?" It's entirely subjective and wholly unarguable, Free. It's a deeply personal `horses for courses' thing. Were we both presented with the same 10 therapists, what are the chances we're going to choose the same one?
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Interesting you should mention car-bombing, Free. I've lived in London for the last 20 years where only in the last couple of years I was not in danger of being bombed by the terrorists in the IRA amongst others. Indeed, in that 20yr time period I've had one office window blown in on me by a car bomb for whom no one ever claimed responsibility but which was targetting the Israeli Embassy opposite my offices at the time. On one particularly notable occasion the pub in which my band was on stage playing became the central of three impromptu triage locations for victims of another IRA car bomb, the target was non-specific but located & timed for maximum harm to random civilians near a busy shopping mall. The band was requested to play on - so we did, until late the following morning. Free will amongst other things is in living your life despite what others would do to take your liberty or beliefs or power or even life away from you. The alternative is what? Remain safe in a bomb-proof shelter the remainder of your days? I'm mildly claustrophobic and probably couldn't afford the comforts of the luxury model bomb shelter, so no - I'll just continue putting one foot in front of the other until some booger finally gets me or I keel over from old age.
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I'm truly not sure why you say this. Free. I happen to like my life in vivid technicolour and preferably with the speakers up loud, but that's just me. And this thread isn't about me or you or even really unsubstantiated rogue therapists with evil designs on the sanctity of marriage.
So far as I was actually aware, this thread was about reassuring Lost who was querying whether being questioned about aspects of her affair was normal in a counselling situation. It is absolutely, totally and utterly normal.
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We obviously disagree about scare-mongering as a tactic to encourage people to continue with individual counselling.
However, we do appear to agree that Lost should make her very own choices about therapy and/or therapists and should be encouraged to ask questions of her therapist and be fully informed about her treatment in order that those choices have some sound substantiated basis.
Bygones.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I didn't really get it in the beginning either. Some of his questions I didn't understand what the purpose was, but I have to say in two months he's gotten to know me pretty well, and he just listens to me and guides me where *I* want to go - not where he thinks I should be, and I think that's important.
This is just my own personal experience, so I thought I'd share it with you.
Good luck and it's great that you've taken this step to help yourself.
Were going to have to agree to disagree on some points, I choose to use my free will not to allow myself to be brow beaten by anyone, I learned the hard way how to stand up for myself.
To me our disagreement is not personal, I expect we may agree on more then we disagree.
Not everyone is like you and I, we are both people of strong character (read hard headed), they need to be able to trust the professionals the go to, and like it or not you can't trust everyone, there are proven cases of abuse in T just as there are proven cases of firefighters that are firebugs.
Having said that I think anyone who has read my posts consistently knows that I am a big proponent of IC, I have encouraged many to consider it.
One truth about IC is that your not going to click with every T you meet, some times shopping around a bit can be needed, but not just to find someone that will tell you what you want to here. I don't know if under the health system in the UK you can do that or not.
I do not scare monger, many of the women here have lost personal power over there lives by entering a affair if they choose to enter IC I believe that they should not be turning more control over to another third party but that it should be a step in taking control of there life back.
If you ever get the opportunity to spend a few months in SC you will get a better idea about what strange ideas are out there, it is the breeding ground for a lot of interesting POV.
As for the 18 year olds I spoke of there driving the car bombs when they explode not parking them and walking away to let others die, In my view these young people have had there free will subverted via religous and political brain washing, but that is just what I believe take it or leave it as you please.
Bygones
Free