Id, ? for you on the about "post-EMA"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Id, ? for you on the about "post-EMA"
9
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 12:27pm

Id, I know it's been about a year since you ended it. I'm interested in hearing about what the 6 months after you ended it felt like since it was obviously successful.

You mentioned you were in a lot of pain up to the time you ended it, but after the one situation where you rebuffed his advances... how hard were the following 6 months? You said it took 6 months to forgive yourself? (also interested how that process if you have time to write a book : ) ).

I guess I want to know if you were going through days "trying to avoid him," "trying to act 'normal'" or if once you made up your mind you didn't really give it much thought anymore.

I ask because - although we have not had any interaction other than true work for weeks - I still will get off a (phone) work conversation with him and sometimes cry.

I don't know what point I'm at right now (I assume it's somewhat normal). I feel like I'm stuck and still somewhat depressed. I don't feel like it every day but most days. I don't have any desire to talk to him, start up more, see him (sometimes I miss him but in a sad way and I would never, ever ask to have him come to my town although weeks ago he offered and I declined). So it's not a longing for him - more like "what a bad situation and too bad I can't just escape it."

I continue to slightly wake up as I turn over (while I'm sleeping at night) and immediatly "my life" comes back and I think "uggh, what a mess and how hopeless" as I go back to sleep. It's not a "I miss him feeling"... it's more like "How long will this last and how will I ever feel happy again" feeling. I just feel like it's a feeling that is constantly there no matter what I'm doing during the day.

I am busy working on vacation plans, working out, and eating fine... so I'm "functioning" but I wouldn't classify it as "well." I keep thinking about Ivy's post about "what is love" and I've added "what is friendship" (obviously I've pushed away a lot of close friends through the years too). These questions seem so basic and I thought I had them all figured out but all this self-reflection is making me wonder.

Thanks,
WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
WIP i'm not ID, but remember..no one is going to grieve, move on or heal in the exact same way. No one is going to even experience the exact same feeling each and every time. I think you are just right now going through the mourning process not of losing HIM, but the sadness in what you let yourself go through-. But also- be happy that you are NOW done with it and not still allowing it to go on. For that you should be patting yourself on the back. If we focus on what we did and how awful, how do we go on? We have to remember how lucky we are to be done with it, and doing what's right for ourselves. In time if you still can't get out of this down feeling, you should maybe try a therapist or something to help you through. I'm glad you're at least taking care of yourself as best you can. Time does make things better- and you will get there. Hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004

~WIP~

I'm short on time here at work, but I promise to write to you later this evening. Get ready for that "book", because this is one of my favorite topics, "THE FALL AND RISE OF AN ID_DIOT" <<>> or...Maybe I'll just post some excerps from the one I am REALLY writing ;)

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005

Thanks Id - I'm on the edge of my chair in wait (feels nice to be waiting for something that is not xMM! ; )

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 12:24am

~WIP~ (Sorry for being so late....unexpected company stopped by).


You mentioned you were in a lot of pain up to the time you ended it, but after the one situation where you rebuffed his advances... how hard were the following 6 months? You said it took 6 months to forgive yourself? Those first 6 months (actually 4) were and still are foggy. I was simply going through the motions of being there, but I was not in familiar mind and body. Everything

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005

ID-Thanks so much for sharing.
<>

It is 11:30 I have a big day tomorrow and I couldn't sleep. Had a nice day with H but after he fell asleep I was consumed by my feelings or bitterness and shame for letting someone treat me this way. How could I do this? and why would I let some worthless man treat me like I was worthless. It has been 3 months since "we can't talk anymore" and the more I think of how badly I let this guy treat me the more ashamed of myself I become. 2 weeks ago I thought I was handling this so well but the last week it seems like I am back to square one. Just needed to vent so hopefully I can let it go and get some sleep. I want to cry so bad but I don't want to waste one more bit of energy on him. The problem I keep having is that he is almost two separate people to me the one who cared about me and was my friend and then the other one who always wanted to end it and felt so guilty for cheating on a perfectly nice wife and then took it out on me. thanks for listening....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

>>>>>> but what you are feeling will not dissapate for a while. It's been almost a year for me, and I am still struggling with depression and motivation. I function on most every day levels, but I am still consumed with a "can't put my finger on it" sadness I haven't been able to shake. It has gotten much better over time,<<<<<<<<<

Thanks ID,

As you know I post on the All Sides board also, it seems when I bring up the fact that IT still Hurts. I am still filled with that sadness on somedays, that you speak of, I wasnt moving quickly enough and not wanting to move on.

It will be a year in roughly 2 weeks. Somedays I still feel all that hurt I felt that night it ended. I am also a Single OW.

Any thoughts.

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004

~jstmekc~

<<>>>

What I have finally come to understand from tons of reading is that these men are just wired differently than us. It is easy for them to compartmentalize, putting their family and responsibilites into one box, their love interest into another, so on and so forth where one does not interfere with the other. When guilt enters the picture, it is due to these compartments clashing.

I am sure your XMM is hurting in his own way too. I know mine is. They just don't wear it on their sleeve like we women do. In order to keep the playing field level, we have to become hardened and embittered just to keep that emotional balance with our compassionate and giving side. Having to do this confuses us because this is simply NOT how we are put together. I think this is where the anger and/or sadness comes from, that we cannot be authentic to ourselves. We also want to pour our pain out to the person who caused it, yet at the same time we also know that this isn't going to change a damn thing; what's done is done! It's a constant catch 22 in our desperate struggle to move forward...

As we try to let go, that harsh realization finally hits us that no one forced us to make this "choice" to have an affair. WE KNEW THEY WERE MARRIED and still we treaded in forbidden waters. So now, we become ANGRY with ourselves for having been so weak and stupid. Until we are able to forgive ourselves, (and this takes deep introspection and patience) we will have many sleepless nights, confusing dreams, emotional ourbursts, and later down the road, that frig'n residual anger that arises out of the blue. (This happens to me even now.) We are simply trying to rectify our hearts and souls after all the damage we did to them.

One day at a time, sweetie, is all you can ask of yourself. Thinking that you will feel like this forever is self-defeating. It does get better,

**Id**




Edited 5/19/2005 12:29 pm ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:36am

(((Hope)))

What we need to acknowledge is that we caused major damage to ourselves by giving our hearts to an unavailable man. Once the affair is over, we are left with having to repair our hearts, pride, self-esteem, self respect, value system, thinking, feelings, while at the same time battling constant pain and anguish. Not much to ask of ourselves, eh?

It's no wonder it takes some of us what seems like forever, to move on. Re-entry into the real world with only bits of pieces of ourselves is terrifying at times...Probably why we feel more comfortable retreating from life, where we can silently lick our wounds and regenerate our strength. But, we have to go on no matter what, Hope. We have family that needs us, and people that depend on us.

<<>>

I know this is painful, but use this hurt to remind youself that you never want to go there again.

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 12:05pm

Id, well, your post certainly hit the spot. Thanks for being there for me/us... I see from other posts that it's helping more than just me (probably a million lurkers too!).

I'm comforted on one hand that I think what I'm feeling is normal for this stage in the process since it mirrors what you went through. I have to admit that knowing this saddness will linger for a *long time* is not the best news of the day, but I'm gathering it will lessen in intensity and I can deal with that. I am doing some hard thinking about my M and what things were like (way, way back) before the A and how I can regain that with H.

I'm having a better day today and am gaining some value from the All Sides board too. I used to find much saddness in the fact that this wasn't about *ME* that he was doing this (that he probably would have done this with someone else if I wasn't there... and likewise for myself :( ) - But now, after reading a lot of the All Sides board, it actually is helping me that this isn't "personal."

I actually like the way it feels when I think *we were not so special* and this was something unhealthy in myself and in him that created the A. I can walk away from this and not feel I'm giving up something I can't live without. I wasn't allowing myself to walk away since I was so stuck on "me being special" to him. I'm not!! (in a good way if that's possible).

Anyway, I sincerely appreciate your post. And I will read your book when it comes out : )

WIP