Iddy ....the student is ready
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| Thu, 09-16-2010 - 1:28pm |
Iddy and all ....I am finally at the end of my A journey. I'm almost too exhausted with it all to know what to write so this is, for now, short and as concise as I ever get.
I needed to get my focus on ending before I came here and over the last few weeks have managed to gain a little clarity over this futile situation and the tiniest spark of acceptance of it being over. I think he is as exhausted by it as I am, as torn between holding on and letting go and as reluctant to hurt me as I am him. Therefore I really am going to try and see this is my gift to us both. I wish him well on his journey but I want to be free of this. Free of the control it has over me and the way I think and behave. The self-doubt has at times crippled me (have more on that later) but the other day when I spent the whole evening doubting the value of my participation in a professional forum earlier that day, it shook me to the core. (bizarre since the very first compliment he gave me was how he admired my self belief!) I was absolutely scared stiff that I was turning back into the self concious and painfully insecure young woman I was in my early 20's (long time ago!) The pain and fear I feel at the moment about that is actually far worse than the pain of giving this up. ......So far.
This ending is no different to the many many I have instigated over the 5 years of this, except it comes with a realisation that its not about anything he has done, not done, will do or could ever do. Its about the tangled mess it all has become and most of all about 'me'.
Can someone please remind me I said that in the difficult days ahead because I have no real idea of how to maintain this except to know that I have to be done. Full stop.
Bird

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Dear Bird,
We will be here with you every step of the journey. The key is to let us be apart of it - resist sinking away when times get tough, and or you want to slip back into the affair without us to assist you in becoming accountable to what you are saying today. You want your affair to be over, and there is NO better place to get help than us. We have been where you are - we have felt as hopeless and as entangled as you, and we have made it out of our affairs.
I welcome you with open arms into EAS, and hope that you'll read as much as you can in the days & weeks to follow from the Healing Library. There are SO many answers to be found there, and so much support and healing. Almost anything you will think/feel will have been brought to this board before - so that's why reading as much as you can is such great medicine for the ache you are/will be feeling. There is such a brighter future ahead. Letting go can be scary - but soon you'll get a taste of freedom and will do whatever you can to never ever again be weighed down by such a horrific addiction.
Much love,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Welcome MLSB,
I went over to MAS to read some history about our new student, and I doubt you will find this in any way comforting right now, but the last few months of your EA
~Iddy~
Hi Bird,
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Bird!!!
I am so sad, but secretly pleased, to see you here. We'll trundle through together huh :)
Many thanks for the warm welcome.
Hello my Aussie mate ;-)
Been keeping up with you, from not so far behind as it happened.
Awwww you are sweet honey- thank you.
Trust me I am no insppiration- all I do is lap up info from here! I am a walking EAS pin-up wannabe :)
Ive downloaded EAS songs!
Ive bought EAS recommended e-books!
I journal till my arms ache!
I meditate and pray EVERY NIGHT!
I broke NC already!
I truly lurch from feeling good about this to feeling like I made a HUGE mistake in ever ending it.
But I cant go back to second-guessing everything about myself and my communication- just to keep him around. It was tearing me apart. I also want myself back- my energy, my family, my friends, my optimisim, my confidence. Its all been eroded so badly.
So Bird- did you end it? What happened??
Hi Bird and welcome
From one newbie to another ... you have expressed your situation and frustrations so clearly.. i wish i was able to do that better... i can relate to a lot of what you have said even though my A wasnt nearly as long as yours ... how on earth have you managed to hide your emotions and sadness from H for SO long?...
we developed a pattern ...............and
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Songbird,
<>
Is this just a thought or have you "wished" him well, meaning he knows the EA is officially over. Why am I asking you this? I just just read in one of your posts to this thread that you made contact. Did I read that correctly?
Esplain, Lucy, esplain. ;-)
~Iddy~
Thank you for the warm welcome and encouragement NC ...I've read many of your posts and think you do a pretty good job of getting it out there ;-) lol
**how on earth have you managed to hide your emotions and sadness from H for SO long?...**
The truth is I haven't.
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