Iddy ....the student is ready

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Iddy ....the student is ready
17
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 1:28pm

Iddy and all ....I am finally at the end of my A journey. I'm almost too exhausted with it all to know what to write so this is, for now, short and as concise as I ever get.

I needed to get my focus on ending before I came here and over the last few weeks have managed to gain a little clarity over this futile situation and the tiniest spark of acceptance of it being over. I think he is as exhausted by it as I am, as torn between holding on and letting go and as reluctant to hurt me as I am him. Therefore I really am going to try and see this is my gift to us both. I wish him well on his journey but I want to be free of this. Free of the control it has over me and the way I think and behave. The self-doubt has at times crippled me (have more on that later) but the other day when I spent the whole evening doubting the value of my participation in a professional forum earlier that day, it shook me to the core. (bizarre since the very first compliment he gave me was how he admired my self belief!) I was absolutely scared stiff that I was turning back into the self concious and painfully insecure young woman I was in my early 20's (long time ago!) The pain and fear I feel at the moment about that is actually far worse than the pain of giving this up. ......So far.

This ending is no different to the many many I have instigated over the 5 years of this, except it comes with a realisation that its not about anything he has done, not done, will do or could ever do. Its about the tangled mess it all has become and most of all about 'me'.

Can someone please remind me I said that in the difficult days ahead because I have no real idea of how to maintain this except to know that I have to be done. Full stop.

Bird

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 9:14am

Yes Bird,

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 10:44am

LOL Iddy :-)



I wished him well metaphorically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 11:22am

**Did you end it? What happened?**



After his withdrawal and ridiculously inconsistent behavior after his vacation I just slowly withdrew until I was in a place of consistent 'letting go'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 11:24am

SB,



<

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 12:11pm

***My H has always been my 'rock' gave me the confidence to get out there careerwise on most things, knowing he was always there for me to fall back on##my safety net.....I pushed the boundaries way to far on this one though!!! and yes, mine was 'unknowing' you are not alone.... although he knew our 'spark' had gone***



Wow ...My H was all this too, NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 12:18pm

**Gotcha. Glad it was a good gotcha and not a sermon on the hill kind of gotcha that I would have had to compose and write out.**



I would

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 3:51pm

Hi Bird :)

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said - just welcome and big ((((hugs)))). I'm glad you're here. We'll have to work on a tag line for you.

Here's a funny Buddhist quote for you:

“A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.”

Bodhi

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