Ideas for thought and life--YOURS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Ideas for thought and life--YOURS
8
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 12:31pm

Rather than have my reply post to Imagineus get buried at the bottom, I thought I'd post it also as a separate posting.


Imagineus started her post by stating that she will speak

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 2:12pm

Noregrets,

I have read your post and agree with you whole heartedly, and I have been trying to stay strong yet he makes it very difficult....in a sense I have failed yet I have not given up, I do repeat this to myself over and over and have come back to reread when I saw your post...you are correct in assuming the affair affects all parts of your life even though contact is short lived throughout the day it encompasses your mind and invades everything you set out to do ....and the depression is debilitating to the mind and spirit.
I have seen MM again and admit to not being as strong as I want to, he understands the pain I am going through yet he is helpless to do anything about it....I have decided to not be as available as I once was and to step back from this situation albeit not completely it is far to painful for me right now. It seems as if he doesnt give in yet he wont give up ...I have asked him to find someone else and have told him that I am going to date regardless of his feelings in this matter....

I do not regard this as a relationship and he has lost a certain amount of respect in my eyes...
He does not affect my children personally he is never around when they are...

I can feel the distance between us growing ...

Your words have helped me and I understand what needs to be done and I do want it to end ..it needs to end, and its own time I am sure I can see the embers of our passion dying out from here~ my emotions have changed, and when he sees this I am sure he will be left with no other option but to move on......

I know this is not the post you were expecting from me and I am sorry about that and in a sense I am ashamed that my desires rule my head in this matter....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 5:42pm
This is a huge learning experience and everyone learns at their own pace and in their own way. Your life is about you and only you know what works for you. I didn't stick to NC totally but enough so that everytime we talked or we saw each other I was stronger and more aware and saw more and more what was reality and how he really worked me. Finally I realized that each time was painful and I don't know why I would do that to myself.He said he was my friend and he loved me so I took those words and told him to prove it. Treat me as a friend, don't do things that would hurt me and in a friendship it is 50/50 so he should be willing to do for me anything he wanted me to do for him. I have chosen to not let myself be hurt anymore. If he wants to be my friend then he knows how but anything other then that shows disrespect. I am fine with only contact that is work related, because right now everything else hurts me. The whole A was about him but now it is about me. I deserve that and so do you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 6:49pm

ist...

Thank you for your post, sometimes we set ourselves up to fail and when that happens I can and have been very hard on myself. Your story is similar to mine in many ways, I hear him taking back promises now and slowly I am seeing him for what and who he truly is. I don't believe he hurts me intentionally he is selfish(one thing he has not lied about) as he has told me, and I set out to prove he is not as selfish as he believes and in some ways he is not, I don't want to ruin a great freindship which it is, I have also asked him to prove it but I think men and woman prove things differently...
He has asked if I want him to step back into friendship mode and when I say yes he kisses me and all my intentions are lost.

I am getting stronger, I dont miss him when he is not here and if I don't see him or hear from him I am not upset ....I am living my own life and he is becoming a smaller and smaller part of that....

Thank you

Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 8:15pm

I have one friend in the world that I talk about this with. She is a lot more worldly and experienced then I am and she would try and show me some of the ways that xmm used to play games with me and it took me 2 years to see it. I see it really clearly in your post.

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XMM used to do that to me a lot. He would tell me his flaws and then when someone else would try and tell me I would defend him. Just like you are doing. He is selfish but since he told you that, you want to defend him and prove that he is not that bad. You think that other people just don't understand how he really is. The truth is he is telling you, how he really is. Now when you accuse him of being selfish he can always justify his behavior by saying, I told you that is how I am. It is a great tactic, since it makes you feel like he is being so honest with you. If he was really a great friend he wouldn't do anything that he knew would hurt you. By kissing you when he asks you if you want to be just friends, he has control again. If you have no ic is he be a real friend to you? Compare him to the other friends in your life.

I have a great friend who is a man and we sometimes are attracted to each other. It makes us embarrassed we turn red and then we laugh about it. We are both married and help each other to honor that commitment. I know I can count on him, and he would never hurt me, or treat me with disrespect. He would never want me to cheat, or lie, or be less of a woman then I am.

The reality of XMM is that he did all of those things, and I did them to him by having the A. Can we rebuild a friendship? Maybe, but only time will tell. XMM tells me that we destroyed our friendship and I know it is true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:00pm

I am sitting here amazed at the clarity of your words, it all makes sense now. I found that I couldn't justify him being selfish in my mind, and I have never told him he was...but every friday he would make sure he told me he was a selfish b#@@#%^, and now I understand the why of it. I did tell him I would change that in him because I have children(he doesn't) and when children are involved,and if he wanted to be involved with me there was no room for selfishness......He told me this on fridays because I do not communicate or see him on the weekends and he was going home to his w....it has become a joke now on fridays because he has admitted that he finds himself becoming less selfish when it comes to me, which in reality he has not....

It is the only thing bad about himself that he has said and I couldnt figure out why, your post made it so unbelievably clear....

And what really stuns me is my first reaction was to defend him....WOW

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:22pm
I am glad that it helped. It took me a long time to accept that I was being played. When I finally confronted xmm and said I can't believe you played me, he said I can't believe you let me. WOW talk about an eye opening moment. This wasn't said in a mean or derogatory way. It was the truth. I usually don't let people treat me bad, but I let him.
I knew we wouldn't end up together but my mind was gone, lost in the confusion of emotions, the excitement of feeling desireable again. I really had no idea it would be so painful or that I would get so attatched. He did and he told me how it would be the whole time.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:38pm

The words you use bring back so many things for me, I had entered this affair with two thngs in mind I would not fall in love, and I wouldnt get caught ....well I was doing fine with the love part until he looked up at me one day and asked me if I was playing him? Now how the hell could I do that....but it was the begining of the end for me. How in the world could I play him he was the married one, but he said it with such sincerity and a sadness that I started to fall hard and fast....all my resolve melted and I needed to prove that I wasnt just playing him and I stopped fighting to keep my emotions in check....and I was lost in all the emotions and feelings I thought he could offer me, I thought he was just as lost in these emotions as myself, but I have learned .....

Your insight is very helpful more than words could ever tell you.....

thank you so much

imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:24pm
Thank you. I needed to hear that. It was very well put.