If you are married... does DH know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
If you are married... does DH know?
11
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 6:07pm

did you tell your spouse what you did and what happened when you did?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 6:20pm

Hi~


I didn't tell my h, but he knows. I was careless with emailing my xap from our home computer and accidently left my email account up. He didn't see anything

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 6:29pm

No, my husband did not know.


If he did, my marriage would be over in an instant.


that saying "You Play, You Pay" would have been my motto if ever discovered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 8:48pm

My H knows - found emails, then other sorts of 'evidence', I shared my feelings for AP... he knew the basic comings and goings for about a year. He stayed with me and we worked on how to make it feel transparent and less threatening to him. After a year, the effort for him was too much and he moved a block away. We are still active partners to one another and co-parent wonderfully. We are the exception I am sure. We have been partners for a long time and are a younger couple, and we never put having an A on the list of 'unforgiveables'. Even though this has been a 'manageable' situation, I am still completely un-done by the hurt I caused him, the shame I feel and the consequences of my actions. It is only because of his dignity, strong commitment to his children which manifests as endless support for my well-being, that we have done so (given the circumstances) well. I would take it all back if I could.

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 7:26am

I feel like I need to tell him but don't see the point now it's over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 10:47am

I didn't feel guilty either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 11:16am

Hi KMG


I read your story with alot of sadness, but it's the reality of what we have done I suppose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 11:50am

My A has been over 3 months, and H doesn't know.


Shortly (a couple of days) after it ended, I sat H down and told him that I'd been very unhappy for several years and that I knew I'd "checked out". Told him I was going into counseling...offered to do add'l marriage counseling if he wanted to... and that I wasn't quite sure what made me "check out". (The "checking out" occurred LONG before

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 12:08pm

I didn't tell my H and won't. I don't see any purpose in hurting him that way. I know he'd stay with me and try to work it out if I did tell him, but now the A is over, I am checked back in to my marriage and H is too and I think we have enough shiz on our plates to deal with without bringing up the A. I think I do have a deep seated fear that I would not have the strength to deal with my DH's reaction to a D-day and I'd give up on the marriage - however - I think my main motivation is to save my H the pain, even if that means I have to deal with the A ending without support, and that that loneliness is my cross to bear. Telling H in order to clear my conscience seems selfish, even though I do believe H has the right to know that I'm a sh*t and decide if he wants to be with me with the full truth before him. But, I've been with my H for a decade and we've discussed this before.... "would you want to know?" and his response was 'no. just fix the deeper, underlying issues that lead to the A and keep it to yourself." I felt the same way about him... I don't want to know. I would just want him to 'fix it' and keep me in the dark.

That is just Us, though, and this decision to tell or not tell is very personal and very difficult.

I wish you well and hope you continue to move forward in your healing and with your H in a positive way.

Blessings,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 12:19pm

I agree with your post Dee, thanks for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 1:24pm
My H has had suspicions but does not know.

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