If you could go back in time???
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| Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:11pm |
I am just feeling so sad and depressed today.All of the memories of OM and i have been running through my mind,i can't get them to stop no matter what i do.
I sit here reading all the posts,"lurking" and i think about what i "should have" done differently.I think about the very first time he and i talked.I remember that time,when i didn't know him at all and i felt...nothing.I remember the time when i didn't love him,when he didn't fill my head every waking hour of every day.Did anyone see the movie "Unfaithful" with Richard Gere and Diane Lane(think thats her name)???
I watched that movie and at the end,when she is sitting in front of her fireplace going through the pictures of her and OM,she starts thinking back to when she met him the first time.Instead of going into his apartment to clean up a scraped knee,she declines his offer and stops a Taxi and goes home to her Husband.I cried so very hard when i saw that part because i was thinking "if only" i had walked away like i should have done none of this would be happeneing to me.If only i had been smart enough to know what a dangerous thing i was getting myself into.How could i have know that talking to him over the phone and online would lead to this??
Today my thoughts are consumed with what i wish i had done.After the first night we made love and he said " i want to see you again"...why why why why didn't i walk away and never look back???I was safe right then at that time...my heart was still whole and i could live without him in my mind and soul!!Why did i look back,why did i continue at every single chance to talk to him and see him??
I've heard all my life everything happens for a reason,but i can't find any reason in this.Was it fate that he and i met or just a stupid thing we both agreed and consented to?
I am just so very low today and i wish i could close my eyes and go back to when he and i first met.I would do so many things differently.I'm sorry,just needing to get this off my chest.

you are not alone. Your post just tugged at me something fierce. That movie "unfaithful" also had that same affect on me . I just keep wondering why was I not stronger to his advances, why didn't I just stop it when I could. I knew it was wrong but it felt so right at the time. I sometimes think that maybe I was the one that flirted with him first and threw it out there. What was I thinking? I really didn't realize what exactly i ws getting myself into by typing and talking on the phone and secret lunches with another man. I think somewhere deep inside I knew it would end badly but i wish i just knew how badly i would feel at this point.
It's funny how yousaid that after your first time he said "i want to see you again...." Mine looked at me and said "promise me we will do this again" In my mind i said to myself "no way" " how did i do this?" but I went back again and again.
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This is totally me. I have been pondering this all since last night. Must be the 2-3 month mark. I am so glad you shared with us. I actually just posted something about how i'm feeling the same a few minutes ago too.
Good luck to you, hope your day gets a little better. May we both have peace from this someday soon.
~nuttmeg
Hi Nuttmeg,
It's funny how finding someone who's feeling the things you are can bring comfort.Although i wouldn't wish this sadness on anyone,it DOES help to know there are others who are going through the same thing.
Even though i know it does no good at all i still wish with every breath that i could have walked away when i was still "safe".Isn't it ironic that when we meet someone,fall in love with that person and then lose them they become almost "God-like" in our minds?
There were so many things i hated about him and so many reasons he and i would NEVER have worked but still i long to see him and be with him again.Why is that???
Even though sex was a very large part of our relationship i never ONCE,and i do mean not once,had an orgasm with him.Yes i faked it and yes it did feel good with him,but i never once reached that destination of satisfaction.So why do i still crave his touch and his love??
I am just so messed up!!Nuttmeg,i wish you well and i hope one day we can breath again.
Solo,
Funny you should mention that movie. xOM use to joke with me all the time and tease me "hope you don't collect snowglobes".
I use to wonder, "what if". I remember after my A ended, I couldn't remember what my life was like before I met him.
But things DO happen for a reason. We are human and we make mistakes. You will grow from this pain and will learn something about yourself. Don't put anymore energy into wondering what "could have" happened. Recognize what "did" happen, and try to take something from it and pick ou the pieces and move on. It can be SO difficult, I know. It's only been in the last 24 hours that I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel - and my A ended 5 months ago!
I wish you all the best!!
Diva
oh gosh! i hope i still don't feel like this after 5 months!! while coming to this board does help it also makes me feel like the crazy feelings will never end & i'll never stop thinking about OM.
<> ME TOO!!
Thanks everyone for posting. We all seem to be feeling the same somewhat. We can do it. Be strong! Today's been hard for me too, esp. after i was right across the street from where he lives.
My gosh, my feelings are the same as yours. Please know that I do understand. I am trying not to look back. What is done is done. I too think of the night we reconnected after these years. I could of went home that night or never returned after going to his house.
All day driving to and from work I thought of him, wishing I could just walk through his front door again. I really miss him, but know that I have to work on my marriage right now.
Please know you are not alone. I am experiencing the exact feelings as you. Just try to hang in there. Hopefully with time this all passes.
Solost
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I, too, am a true believer in fate and believe that everything happens for a reason. But I am with you on this one!! I can't for the life of me figure this one out. xMM pursued me and called me all the time for 1 year before all this started. He was my good friend's H. I wanted nothing to do with him. he made me uncomfortable and I told him so, but he kept calling me. I always tried to avoid doing things with them as a couple because he always "looked through me" when we were together. I even told our other friends that he called me a lot and it was irritating. I never told his W cuz I didn't want to cause any problems and I KNEW it wasn't going to lead to anything. I figured he would eventually leave me alone. Well I started hanging out more and more with him and his W and eventually I grew to really care for him. I started flirting around with him a little and then it happened. And look where I'm at now. I feel like all that time he wanted me and when I finally gave in, he decides he'd rather have his family. Now WHY did this happen??? WHat purpose does all this serve in my life? I have no idea, but I will just have to trust that I will know eventually, and it will probably hit me like a ton of bricks!! And I'lll bet the same goes for you, Lost!! Hugs to you my dear!!!
Pal
Hi there solost,
Happy Thursday. Sorry I did not get back to you sooner. I had to leave work for the day.
You right about how finding other people in the same situation does seem to lighten this load of guilt and crazy mixed-up feelings we are carrying around. During the whole affair I never told a soul, I kept it all to myself. Which infuriated me even more when I found out that he decided to shout it from the rooftops. Bastard!
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You really hit me hard with this one. I had sex with my OM at least once a week for over a year and I also only had maybe 3 orgasms with him. How sad. And this guy is a player? I thought that meant he would be much better! LOL But I think it ws the excitement of new exciting places, the fear of getting caught that kept me swept up in wanting more. He would tell me to meet him and I would get there no matter what. I still am afraid if he IM'd me today and asked me to come over and ride his rocket or something else super romantic(i say this in jest)i would be running over to him.
I like what you said about them becoming GOD-Like in our eyes. Maybe that's because they are not really a part of our life in a real way. We can idolize them because it's easier to take a trip to fantasy camp than to face up to what's going on in our for REAL lives.
Damn, I miss fantasy camp! But each day seems to get easier. How long have you been in NC? Today I am having a much better day than yesterday that's for sure, hope you are doing better as well. Talk to you later?
~nuttmeg