If you never had a d-day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
If you never had a d-day...
14
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 11:47am

I know this topic has been discussed before, but I wonder how those of us who never had an official day are faring? for me, it is a struggle. i've disclosed a lot to my H, but not the whole sha-bang. part of me is like, i'll feel relieved if i tell him. another part says it will only hurt more, because he gave me the opportunity to come clean and i didn't. another part of me is saying it will bring us closer, another tells me it will create more distance. and of course, the cowardly part of me, the one that pushed me in to the A in the first place, says "screw the princple. i'm too scared to tell him cos he might leave me".

what are everybody else's thoughts on the topic?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:23pm
I'll tell you what worked for me, but this may not have worked for anyone else. Before I admitted the entire truth about my A or even the fact that I had one to my DH, I carried a weight around on my shoulders. I couldn't even look DH in his eyes. I have always been a very private person and I always kept secrets. This was the biggest secret I had ever kept but it weighed heavily on my conscious. When I finally told - EVERYTHING - it was as if I had dropped 100 lbs off of my brain. My DH and I are rebuilding and for the first time in my life I feel like I am present in what is going on in my life at each moment and it feels so good to be honest and true. Our M has reached a level that I didn't think possible and I am in a good place. For us the entire truth was necessary to build a better M. We keep no more secrets. We are open and honest about everything. Even down to when we are attracted to other ppl outside of our M. There is this guy I work with who I am very attracted to and he is always putting feeders out for me to see if I will bite. My DH and I actually laughed about it when I told him and we discussed ways to protect our M from infedelity. My DH wanted to know exactly what he was dealing with in our M and so did I.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:30pm
I hate keeping this nasty secret from my H, but a D-day would destroy him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:38pm

Hi Exi,



Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:17pm

I still don't know if I had a Dday! LOL I confessed what was happening before it had gone to full blown affair with PC. But I'm responding anyway because that is an interesting question.

In fact the topic was being discussed on the Dr. Oz show on Oprah XM. I caught it at the tale end but a therapist (I think) was suggesting that if you have decided you are completely and totally out of A and are seriously committed to you M then it would be very damaging to tell the spouse. I was surprised by this as was another person on the show. I believe it was Lisa Oz, who said she thinks that's wrong because the relationship will now have a lie/lies that are a part of it and that is more damaging.

The therapist also said there are 2 reasons only that a person confesses the A. 1. As a way out of the marriage. (I'm thinking this was my true motivation at the time I did it) which I'm wouldn't be proud of. Have to discuss more with my T on that one.

Unfortunately I can't remember the 2nd one. Maybe someone here knows and will chime in.

I think it's so debatable that you have to do what you think is best for you.

I hate lies, and believe they cause so much evil. My H lied to me about so many things before and in beginning of our M due to his drinking. He's been in full recovery and has been a straight shooter since. (I think!) The thing is once someone lies to you, and they do it really well, a part of you always wonders what else they could be covering up/ hiding.

Also I for me it was worse discovering the lie, my H never confessed, he was caught. I would have rather been told the truth right away and up front.

If you're absolutely certain there is NEVER any way you H could find out unless you tell him, then I suppose you'd be safe there. But if he finds out and you didn't, that could be a bigger problem.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Lilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:36pm

No true DDay. H knows of first time around, but no sex was involved. Second time around H does not know...how long, the intimacy. There would be NO question it would destroy him and our 25 year marriage.

I'm done with the A, never going down that route again. Not worth what I could lose which is a very good man, husband and father. Only reason now to tell after months would be to ease my conscience, but it is me that has to walk around with an invisible A on my shirt.

My only concern......

xMM's W may snap one day and contact my H about the A. Then it will be a DDay. If that happens, I will tell all. No question.

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:46pm

ex,

I did not have a D-day and I will not be disclosing the fact I had an affair to DH. For me, there are more reasons not to tell than "to" tell.

If I confessed, my marriage would be over in one second. There would be no working it out. I know how my H feels about this and he would not give me a pass I know. Also, not only would confessing hurt me and my husband (of course) my children's lives would be torn apart. And I'm not sure I could face them, knowing they know and that my actions tore their family apart. I honestly think I would go in hiding I would be so ashamed, I'm not kidding on that! My family and friends would be aghast to learn of something like that about me.

Of course it goes without saying that my DH would be devastated. He has worked so hard and given me anything and everything I've ever wanted. It would just destroy him. I can't do that to him. Our marriage has it's problems, but nothing serious. Fessing up would only destroy it, not help rebuild. My affair was born from my own issues and not from a poor marriage standpoint.

I do have guilt, no doubt. And I live with it everyday, all day long. But I see this as my burden and I have to live with the consequences of my actions. Unloading my guilt would only help me the way I see it. 2 wrongs don't make a right ya know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 5:17pm

This is a tough one . . . but I will tell you where I landed. I told my H.

From emails to texts to even trips away on weekends, he knew what was going on my A, at least, to some degree. I almost gave him a general play-by-play of how things unfolded.

We actually separated toward the beginning of my A because I knew that there was no way I could stay in the same house as my H if I was going to choose to go down this road with another man. I wouldn't have been able to even fake a relationship with my H. But I wear my heart on my sleeve and am highly emotional, so trying to just go through the motions of being married would have felt next to impossible.

Everyone lands on a decision about this based on what they believe is best for for their situation. I knew there was no way I could ever rebuild an honest relationship with my H if I didn't come clean about everything. So I told him all of it from the start. I figured that if I was going to make the terrible choice of breaking my vow to him, he had every right to know. And he told me from the beginning that even though it hurt, he was glad I was honest because as much as he hated where I was going, he said finding out later from someone else or in a different way would have been even more painful.

Unbelievably, my H was willing to forgive and most past my A . . . but I couldn't. I didn't trust myself to be completely faithful anymore :( We had had a difficult M, many years of relating with each other in a fairly unhealthy manner, lots of issues, etc. and I hadn't been happy for a long time. We're D today but remain very good friends and co-parents of our children. We have a great arrangement and my kids still think of us as a family. I think one of the reasons we're able to do that, even on this side of D, is 1) my xH is a very forgiving man, and 2)I don't have some big secret that is weighing me down every time I look at him. He knows where I went and what I did. I'm not proud of that by any means. I'm just glad that we were and still are able to talk about it.

But you gotta decide what's best in YOUR situation and your M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 5:21pm

thank you guys very much for your responses, its very enlightening to read others' thoughts on the topic.

i have not had a d-day per se, but a lot has come out, a lot has been confessed, and a lot has been withheld. there were multiple occasions on which DH asked me straight up "listen, just tell me everything", and i lied. i do fear that he will find out one day, and i fear that in finding out, he'll not only be devastated by the truth but also devastated by the fact that i continued lying to him. trust will be forever shattered.

at the same time, the guilt is quite a burden. i sometimes wonder if i'll feel better if i tell him. in some perverse way, i think that in holding the guilt, i'm punishing myself. i tell myself i deserve to feel guilty for what i've done.

we have a couple friend who just got married, after dating for almost 10 years. everybody was skeptical when they got engaged; the guy had basically been cheating on her for months. one day he fessed up to her, out of nowhere. they were driving someplace and he just laid it on her. i remember when my H and i found out about this, we were shocked and dismayed. and one thing my H said to me was, "he decided to tell her out of nowhere, ages after it was over? that was completely selfish, he only did it to unburden himself. at that point, he should have just lived with the guilt". i remember that, and i think to myself, "he's better off not knowing" but perhaps its just another excuse?

secrets, in general, serve to isolate us. this is my most extreme experience of keeping a secret. it was clear to my friends for so long that something was out of sorts with me. my H would tell me that i seem so tormented all the time. yet i didn't tell a single soul. i grew more and more isolated, and my AP fast became the only person who knew the truth about me. obviously this just allowed me to sink further into the quicksand.

a nyway, thanks again for your responses :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:22pm

<>

ex, you said this so well. This is what happens. Everything you wrote, I experienced too. But, we make a decision, tell or not and live with it. I agree with what your DH said regarding the friend who fessed up. What purpose did that serve? He felt better, but now the wife has to question everything she ever thought was real in their relationship. It's devastating. I made the decision to stay silent because it was right for me. The guilt was not easy, but it has eased some over time. I have learned to accept my behavior and most importantly, forgive myself. I'm not all the way there, but pretty darn close. I can look in the mirror and be ok with the woman looking back, that's been a long time coming. I actually "validate" myself by being the woman I want to be and should be, not the woman who was involved with xAP for years. I lift myself up in that way and I guess it helps ease the guilt.

Take care Ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:51pm

thank you bandk. we each experience guilt in our own unique ways, and we chose to make peace with our indiscretions in our own ways. i dont believe there is ONE right way to address this issue. i posed this question because i often read posts about d-days, and i cant really relate. i also know that my xAP had 2 d-days (bc he cheated on his wife w/ 2 different women, myself included). He used to charge me with cowardice for failing to be honest with my H, and i would tell him that he only confessed because he was discovered. my guilt has morphed into an all encompassing self sustaining demon---guilt feeding guilt feeding more guilt. i feel guilty enough for hurting my H and myself, but then i felt guilty about not telling my H, and then i felt guilty about "dumping" my AP and "abandoning him", and then i felt guilty for feeling guilty! OY! what a trip!!

i am a newbie when it comes to ending. i attempted to end my A first in mid July, then again in august. i have not physically seen my AP in over a month, and the contact has trickled down since them. i am about 10 days full NC. i've deleted all his old emails and texts. he's no longer in my phone ( i did that some time ago). i'm getting better at ignoring his fishing attempts, altho i do occasionally glance at his emails (but i dont reply). i think i am scaling down slowly. i know EAS favors a cold turkey 100% approach, but i've found that a gradual decrease has been effective for me. i hope that with time, i can continue to process the experience and that the insight i gain will enable me to come to terms with my guilt as well as my confusion.

thank you all for being a part of this painful but enlightening journey :)

Pages