Im back and I F'd up, please help and forgive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Im back and I F'd up, please help and forgive.
18
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 9:17pm

All my EAS friends,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010

I am fairly new to this, about a month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

Oh, Sunshine.... brace up baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Okay ... I will try my best, but it ain't gonna come close to being "Dee" best.

My take - as a therapist ... often times clients take away what they want to hear from the sessions with me, unless they are REALLY able to GET REAL with themselves; otherwise, people have VERY VERY selective hearing and then they get to go home AND HIDE behind their twisted take on what their therapist said!

So, the conversation may have went something like this:

Therapist:

"I hear what you are saying TU ... that you felt like your needs were not being met within your marital relationship, and so you felt justified in trying to have those needs met outside of your relationship behind H's back ... I hear you say that you're frustrated, that you think you have tried all that you could to get husband to change, and still you feel your needs aren't met by H, but were in some way being met by xAP ... I wonder though, now reflecting back on your affair, whether or not there were DIFFERENT CHOICES YOU COULD HAVE MADE if the MARRIAGE was not meeting your needs? Perhaps we need to explore the actions that YOU ARE/WERE TAKING to try and have your needs validated, how you could go about getting those needs met differently, unpack where those needs were coming from, and whether in fact your affair was a solution to those needs, or further damaged your own sense of self, and got in the way from investing all that time and energy into the potential for a healthy relationship with YOUR H "

You know what I would have taken out of that in the THICK of the FOG ...

"Well TU, your needs weren't being met inside the marriage, it makes total sense to me that you went outside your relationship to get those needs met. You tried all you could to GET YOUR HUSBAND TO CHANGE, and it's his fault that he didn't take the hint, so a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do"

I AM NOT SAYING THAT'S what has happened, but I do know that we tend to hear what we want to hear when we are still looking for excuses to blame others for our poor choices: crap therapists, neglectful husband, poor childhood, low self-esteem, whatever .... ABSOLUTELY there are many complex reasons that feed into the destructive choice to have an affair, the problem is when we use those as JUSTIFICATIONS and EASY OUT answers to what are in fact, often times, deeply seated issues around trauma, neglect, self-loathing, fear, hurt etc ... and that having an affair is self-harming behavior that provides a temporary escape from having to face real life. I believe 100% in the notion that people's needs go unmet in partnerships - WITHOUT A DOUBT, but NOW I see that having an affair was NOT AN OPTION in having those needs met ... instead there were 101 different choices I could have made - with dignity & courage.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

Well, IMO, you pretty much covered it with the comment, "Getting your needs met outside of a M is a total pack of poo." :smileyvery-happy: Now, there are many needs that *can* get met outside of a M that doesn't call for having to lie and betray our spouse, such as earning respect from others by setting a good example, getting satisfaction from being good at our jobs/careers, developing deep "same-sex" friendships, reaching out and helping the less fortunate, (great for supplying those feel goods), etc. BUT...when a Therapist says it's okay to have an A for getting our (ah-um...clearing throat)... needs met ...I can't help but wonder if they got their degree out of a cracker-jack box. Having an A is ALL ON US. I don't care how inattentive a spouse may be..it is STILL not an excuse for taking a walk on the dark side....

GMLB,

Glad you came back and put it out on the EAS table. I wondered where you had gone, and I remember a very strong and wise woman posting here not too long ago. Okay, so you took a tumble down a very slippery slope, but you can climb back up it and once again successfully overlook all the crap that is still down there, and always will be *down* there.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
If that is truly what your therapist said then it is time for a new therapist for sure.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

Since

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009

Ladies,

So darn good hearing from the familair members who were around back in May when I hit my lowest and went strict NC. Ive taken a lot away from what has been said to me thus far and I can only hope to continue to get a grip on the whats and the why's. Iddy...you were right, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010

GMLB,

You start breaking it all down in little pieces. When you look at the whole big tangled mess, it is too daunting to even want to try and unravel. But when you work on one little thread, then another, then another...well, it becomes easier.

I have an enormous need for validation from men, especially strong men in positions of authority (uniform). Yeah, you can definitely say Daddy Issues with me. My dad abandoned me emotionally when I hit puberty, which I interpreted as him no longer loving me. I acted out in crazy ways to try and gain my dad's attention. I just wanted to know that he SAW me, that he loved me, that I was okay just as I was. I rebelled in all kinds of ways as a teen and I see now that I've actually been rebelling ever since those tender years.

Keep a journal or some kind of list. Write down all the crazy little "ah-ha" moments that come to you. There's never just one issue. I would venture to say most of us have a whole pile of steaming crapola inside.

As you start to see and understand one thing, it will lead to another for you. There isn't any one way to "fix" our problems/issues. It's not like you go to therapy and then one day, you are "all better." It's not like there's one thing you need to do and you will be "cured." I used to think like that...like if I could only figure out what my issues were, then I would be all better. Doesn't work like that. It boils down to understanding why we feel the way we do about certain things, why we make certain choices, why we are afraid, etc. When you are able to identify your issues, then you become aware of them. When you are aware of them, you recognize you have a choice in behavior when faced with a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. My A was all about escape. Rather than facing my issues, I chose to escape in the fantasy created with him. It was much easier and a whole lot more fun than dealing with RL. KWIM?

Don't be in a rush. Therapy is a process, too. It takes time for things to be revealed and as you figure one thing out, you'll unearth another. We are works in progress, my friend. But stay the course.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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