Im back-and I need your support!
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| Thu, 08-19-2010 - 5:20pm |
Hey there,
I haven't posted her in a while, and I'm sorry. I've missed you guys, and I've been checking in, and following Jane's blog, and trying to stick to the rules for maintaining NC and taking care of myself. i started feeling overwhelmed and unable to maintain NC. My x AP was constantly trying to be in touch with me, and i felt horrible cutting him off. i also hated the idea that the "only way to end an A is NC", so i pulled away from EAS and decided to collect my thoughts.
now i'm here, because although AP and i haven't been physical in ages, we've been in touch, so its not "totally over". i felt that i didn't deserve to keep posting here since i wasn't committing to NC the way you all were. well, i hope you can forgive me, because i need your support. i posted this on MAS as well, but since i know some of you, i'm hoping you can give me some wise words.
well, we had a good conversation last week (by phone), processing a lot of whats happened. i told hjim i felt that what happened between us was really destructive, taht i didn't reciprocate his feelings, that i wanted to move on, etc. he was upset, but we actually were able to have a mature talk about how we managed to fall into an affair and how its actually really messed with our lives.
since that talk, he has texted/emailed almost daily. i ignored him. then i made the decision that i am going to commit to NC and cut him off entirely. i went over to AP's house today (we had the day off), had lunch together, and wanted to talk about how i felt that we needed to cut contact. i wanted to do it in person.
BIG MISTAKE. as we're having lunch and chatting, his wife walks in. guess she decided to come home for lunch. she had an angry look on her face, and just asked me to leave. as i was walking outside, i heard AP say "hey, we weren't doing anything, just having lunch" and she was like "i dont care what you were doing, you cant bring that woman into my house". AP had a pseudo D-day a few months ago, his wife confronted him and he admitted that things had gone on between us, but wasn't totally forthright about the extent of it. regardless, she knows me as the "other woman" and, reasonably so, doesn't want to see me.
i stood outside waiting for AP while the two of them talked. then they both came out and she basically said to me "i have a lot i'd like to say to you, but all i'm going to say now is that if you come to my house again i'll have you arrested for trespassing. you should be ashamed of yourself".
and that was it. AP and i took a drive and chatted. i told him it had to end, and told him that his wife's reaction just reinforced what a destructive mess this has all been. told him i need him to respect that, and he said okay.
now, im sitting in my own house, full of self loathing and hatred. this morning i was feeling like i was taking a step in the right direction, with more resolve than i had ever felt. and now, i feel like the most horrible woman on the planet. my AP's wife is a good woman and didn't deserve to be cheated on (does anybody?). their marriage was not a happy one, but its not because she was horrible, its just that they weren't right for each other.a nd that poor woman had to come home and see ME in her house! for that, she was surprisingly civil.
i hate myself. i cannot believe how many people i have hurt, all to pursue my own selfish desires that have ultimately led me no where. i wish i could erase this entire day. i cannot believe my complicit participation in the destruction of another woman's life. if our positions were reversed, i would have flipped out on whoever was in my house. and she's right, i am terribly ashamed of myself.
i realize that i fell into this affair because of a perfect storm of miserable circumstances taht left me feeling lonely and vulnerable. i have never done anythign like this before, and i'm sure we can all relate to the idea of not feeling we'd ever "be the type". i own my mistakes and am very painfully aware of what i've done. i vacillate between self flagellation and self defense, and i'm conscious of my varying emotional states and trying to get a handle on myself. 70% of the time i'm fine. but that 30% is a terrible torment.
so,if any of you have been in a similar situation, felt guilty towards the betrayed spouse, or anything like that, i'd love to hear your stories. all support is appreciated.
~exi

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Hi Ex82.
OUCH .... NASTY experience...thank you for sharing it.. a lesson to all comtemplating a final f2f meeting ... my jaw fell on the floor when you said W walked in......
I cant empathise with you about feeling guilty for the BS, but i can relate to her talking to you and saying what she had to. I had a phonecall from xAP's W warning me off and
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
I can feel your shame Ex.
thank you guys so much. NC-you are right that wife has every right to say what she said. if our positions were reversed, i may have said much worse. from day 1 i was very conscious of her, and almost more afraid of hurting her than my own H! i guess woman to woman, i felt like i owed something to her. and even now, if she wanted to yell at me, i'd let her do it.
now its a matter of getting back on the horse and finding some way to cope with the guilt. it is crushing and very very real. the idea of viewing NC as a guilt-gift to his wife is actually very smart, and i can remind myself of her face and how hurt and angry she looked.
i just wish i didn't have to hurt xAP as well, bc after we said goodbye, he called me from a bar, drowning his sorrows, telling me i was all he had at this point and that me abandoning him wasn't going to make things better. he told me that i was lying to myself if i really believed i could make things work in my marriage. i didn't know what to say or do, i just told him i was sorry for everything, but that i had to say bye.
he may never understand, but i have to be okay with it. he will be angry with me, she will hate me. i will hate myself for a little while, and i will try to rebuild. these are the prices to pay for the crimes i've commited. i just have to find some way to come to terms with that.
You are doing the right thing by you and that is what's most important. It was very selfish of him to call you and tell you that your marriage won't work. Who is he to talk, is his any better?
Right now you have to focus on your recovery, not theirs. Yes, I know you feel guilty but that is good. It will help you keep NC. But now you need to block him on all sides, block
Hi Ex-
I came here to read your story based on your comment on my blog. My jaw hit the floor when I read this. So warning, tough love ahead: By now you know the mistake in going to see your AP "one last time." It's been said here before so many times that one last time does no good... it's like going back to check out a train wreck and expecting anything you have to say to change the outcome of the disaster... ain't gonna happen. The safest and most effective way to end your A is to just end it- block and walk and move on. There's nothing more to talk about (period!!!)
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
girl, you're so right. i know all of this, and that is part of the pain. the intense disappointment i feel in myself for thinking that this could end any other way. A's are a messy business, and they will end in a mess. My own M needs a lot of repairing, and his M has totally fallen apart. another poster suggested that i think of NC as my final gift to his wife, because of how guilty i feel towards her.
i think i need to keep reminding myself that my AP is a big boy, and he can figure his sh*t out and be okay. he's clinging to me right now because his whole life has crumbled and he's desperate for support. i asked him the other day if he just assumed we'd go on having an affair forever, and he seemed stumped by the question. i mean, its inevitable that these end in disaster!
i think i just keep wanting him to understand, to say "you know, you're right, its giong to be hard, but its in both of our best interest that we go our own ways". now im the one being naive and ridiculous-of course that wont happen.
i just can't get his wife's face out of my head, i kept dreaming of her last night, i couldn't get to sleep at all. today is a new day though, and i am feeling a little bit better today than yesterday. i have a lot to do, and i'm going to try to stay focused and adopt the alcoholic's maxim of "one day at a time".
thanks jane and others for your continued support :)
First, I would like to say that you shouldn't feel guilty because his W caught you, you should feel bad and guilty that decided to go to HER house in the first place. It is her home and while he invited you there you must know that he shares that home with the woman he M and made a commitment to. You are so very lucky she was dignified and didn't really go off on you. Lord knows any other woman would have beat you down both physically and mentally. I can't imagine how that poor woman is feeling right now. Anyway, for XAP to drive off with you after all this, as well as bring his gf into his W home and then call you afterwards shows that he has little respect for both of you. Feeling guilty because he is in a bad place is not good for you. He is in the place he is choosing to be and at any moment he can choose not to be there permanently. Was there a ball and chain tied to his ankle at his house? I don't think his W is holding him hostage.
I think it's time you tell yourself enough and gather up your self worth and stop this madness. This man is too much of a risk taker and believe me, he is getting some kind of sick ego stroke by stringing you both along. It's not worth what you are doing to yourself. His W lives there and I can imagine she feels like someone (a burgular) came into her house and stole something very valuable to her. This man is not a nice person and you should eject him from your life immediately. Don't allow his little guilt trips make you feel guilty because he is mentally abusing you and his W.
wow! thanks for your honesty. he is certainly a f*cked up dude. i wouldn't say he's abusive, but he's very selfish, shortsighted and lost. he's desperate to satisfy his impulses and craves instant gratification. he should never have invited me to his house and i never should have gone. both of those things are true. he's like a child, you see--he wants something, but once he gets caught, he hides with his tail between his legs. (he drove off with me bc i needed a ride, btw, and his wife demanded that he leave.)
i think its clear that everything has gone too far. im sure his wife felt that there was an intruder in their home, and you know what? there was! i was sitting at HER dining table, eating lunch with HER husband, and HER dog sitting on the floor beneath us. if our positions were reversed, i would have shot her! i am very lucky that she didn't do worse to me.
in his better moments, he acknowledges that he's made his choices and screwed himself. he admits the guilt, the abuse, the mistakes. he admits it all. but after yesterday, all he could say was "god, i want to hold you and be with you, i wish you were my woman". and i was hit with this sense of "damn, this dude is MESSED UP! his wife just caught him and his mistress in his house and he's saying he just wants to hold me? wtf??"
the fog has been lifting for me for months. i've been trying to get out of the A since may, uncessfully so of course. the initial glow and joy wore off and was quickly replaced by shame, self loathing and constant paranoia. he said it breaks his heart that i think of him as a "mistake" and i said "but that's what it is. when you cheat on your spouse, its ALWAYS a mistake"
i have a man in my life that's worth fighting for. and my AP is not that man.
thanks ladies for your support and honesty :)
Exi -
Mom is right, your XAP is a grown man, and if didn't want to be where he is he wouldn't be.
Use the guilt you are feeling to re-adjust your moral compass. I was at my XAP's house once about 4 years ago - and I had one of those moments where I should have listened to my inner voice screaming to me "This isn't right!" I told XAP it wasn't right, but he talked me into it, telling me it was HIS house too. Which translates into "I really need to have sex". He tried to get me to come over a few times after that when she was out of town, but I never did cave on that one. It felt way too much like a violation of her space. We have to think of the entire R we had with these men as a violation of their W. As much as we try to ignore it or bury it, the JAMs don't belong to us. Period.
I'm glad you are here. Keep reading and posting :)
Bodhi
the fog has been lifting for me for months. i've been trying to get out of the A since may, uncessfully so of course. the initial glow and joy wore off and was quickly replaced by shame, self loathing and constant paranoia. he said it breaks his heart that i think of him as a "mistake" and i said "but that's what it is. when you cheat on your spouse, its ALWAYS a mistake"
Amen sister! That is exactly what I think about my XAP. WTF was I thinking. My DH is a wonderful man who loves me to death. My XAP can't hold a candle to him. You know your XAP is groveling and telling his W a bunch of lies about how she's the one, etc., etc. He wants to keep his little game going. Good for you for letting that dude go. He's toxic.
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