Im back-and I need your support!
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| Thu, 08-19-2010 - 5:20pm |
Hey there,
I haven't posted her in a while, and I'm sorry. I've missed you guys, and I've been checking in, and following Jane's blog, and trying to stick to the rules for maintaining NC and taking care of myself. i started feeling overwhelmed and unable to maintain NC. My x AP was constantly trying to be in touch with me, and i felt horrible cutting him off. i also hated the idea that the "only way to end an A is NC", so i pulled away from EAS and decided to collect my thoughts.
now i'm here, because although AP and i haven't been physical in ages, we've been in touch, so its not "totally over". i felt that i didn't deserve to keep posting here since i wasn't committing to NC the way you all were. well, i hope you can forgive me, because i need your support. i posted this on MAS as well, but since i know some of you, i'm hoping you can give me some wise words.
well, we had a good conversation last week (by phone), processing a lot of whats happened. i told hjim i felt that what happened between us was really destructive, taht i didn't reciprocate his feelings, that i wanted to move on, etc. he was upset, but we actually were able to have a mature talk about how we managed to fall into an affair and how its actually really messed with our lives.
since that talk, he has texted/emailed almost daily. i ignored him. then i made the decision that i am going to commit to NC and cut him off entirely. i went over to AP's house today (we had the day off), had lunch together, and wanted to talk about how i felt that we needed to cut contact. i wanted to do it in person.
BIG MISTAKE. as we're having lunch and chatting, his wife walks in. guess she decided to come home for lunch. she had an angry look on her face, and just asked me to leave. as i was walking outside, i heard AP say "hey, we weren't doing anything, just having lunch" and she was like "i dont care what you were doing, you cant bring that woman into my house". AP had a pseudo D-day a few months ago, his wife confronted him and he admitted that things had gone on between us, but wasn't totally forthright about the extent of it. regardless, she knows me as the "other woman" and, reasonably so, doesn't want to see me.
i stood outside waiting for AP while the two of them talked. then they both came out and she basically said to me "i have a lot i'd like to say to you, but all i'm going to say now is that if you come to my house again i'll have you arrested for trespassing. you should be ashamed of yourself".
and that was it. AP and i took a drive and chatted. i told him it had to end, and told him that his wife's reaction just reinforced what a destructive mess this has all been. told him i need him to respect that, and he said okay.
now, im sitting in my own house, full of self loathing and hatred. this morning i was feeling like i was taking a step in the right direction, with more resolve than i had ever felt. and now, i feel like the most horrible woman on the planet. my AP's wife is a good woman and didn't deserve to be cheated on (does anybody?). their marriage was not a happy one, but its not because she was horrible, its just that they weren't right for each other.a nd that poor woman had to come home and see ME in her house! for that, she was surprisingly civil.
i hate myself. i cannot believe how many people i have hurt, all to pursue my own selfish desires that have ultimately led me no where. i wish i could erase this entire day. i cannot believe my complicit participation in the destruction of another woman's life. if our positions were reversed, i would have flipped out on whoever was in my house. and she's right, i am terribly ashamed of myself.
i realize that i fell into this affair because of a perfect storm of miserable circumstances taht left me feeling lonely and vulnerable. i have never done anythign like this before, and i'm sure we can all relate to the idea of not feeling we'd ever "be the type". i own my mistakes and am very painfully aware of what i've done. i vacillate between self flagellation and self defense, and i'm conscious of my varying emotional states and trying to get a handle on myself. 70% of the time i'm fine. but that 30% is a terrible torment.
so,if any of you have been in a similar situation, felt guilty towards the betrayed spouse, or anything like that, i'd love to hear your stories. all support is appreciated.
~exi

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ugh. new development ladies. he texted me today saying that he is "trying to stop his wife from telling my husband, but no guarantees". my stomach lurched. i didn't respond for a few hours, then just responded with "i'm very sorry for the pain our actions have caused to your family. i appreciate your working to prevent her from spilling the beans. at the end of the day, if you guys decide to throw me under the bus, i'll have to deal with the fallout. in the interim, the only right thing is for us to stop talking". he responded "whatever, have a wonderful f*cking life".
ASFJIAEFOLJE!!! i almost feel like he's exaggerating this thing about the wife to get my attention? i think he feels like he continually chose me over his wife to the point where the wife smartened up and told him to get lost, and now he expects me to take care of him/make it up to him.
i'm scared and angry and upset. i know he's being manipulative, but its working. i feel so scared that his wife is going to tell my husband taht i almost feel like i need to be extra nice to HIM so he keeps sticking up for ME! what a mess!
i meant what i said in the text. if they throw me under the bus, there is nothing i can do but face the music. this is the worst thing i've ever experienced,a nd i've experienced some pretty serious stuff. feeling like this is enough of a reminder to
NEVER do this again.
Hi again Exi
Looks like both Jane and I are picking our jaws up off the foor..
7 weeks ago....I actually had a phonecall from xAP's W asking to talk to
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
nc, thank you for sharing your experience. it really helps me to know that others have been through similar things. it sounds like you had the week from hell, but you got through it. i cant imagine how you felt when she called. even if he was home, its not like you would've given the phone to him like "oh yes, he's right here, please do tell him all that you know."
i can understand my AP's wife's position. she's angry, and her whole world crumbled. she wants mine to as well. she wants me to "pay" for what i did. i get that.
i think what kills me is that i keep picturing her face, and feeling like the most horrible person in the world. i have so much guilt on so many levels, and i'm scared that my angry xAP AND his angry wife are going to sabotage me.
but like you said, this is something we have to face. what my husband knows is that i was involved emotionally with somebody, that we had feelings for each other, that i contemplated that maybe he (my husband) was not right for me, and that i considered getting involved with this other person. what really happened is all of that, PLUS the fact that we were sleeping together. so yea, i omitted a pretty big piece. i think that fundamentally, ap and his wife will decide they want nothing to do with me and just let me be.
i think(hope?) ap will realize one day that this affair was simply that, an affair, and not some tragic romance that failed to materialize. im sad that its ending in this way. im sad that i had to be the one to end it, because i've always considered him to be a rational individual, but regarding this issue, he's been nothing but juvenile. its so obvious to me how destructive this has all been, but for some reason, he seems determined to hang on to me however he can.
ultimately, as many here know, i can only control and focus on myself. if AP leaves me alone, and i move on, then i know i will be okay. i just hope and pray that he and his wife do not jump in and try to destroy my life. if he decides to blame me for everything and hate me forever, then thats fine. i can take that. because i dont want to be with him, i want to be with my husband. i've done enough to jeopardize this relationship and i cant do any more.
thank you all for your support and kind words :)
Oh how I wish you hadn't responded to his blatant attempt to get a response out of you- which is exactly what you gave him. Silence would have spoken volumes in this situation. He was definitely trying to get a rise out of you and did so in one of the most dramatic ways, ever. Whether his W is contemplating telling your H or not is not the issue here, in my opinion. The issue here is that you need to stick to NC for good. Replying to his messages is only stringing him along, no matter what you say or how short you are. The fact is that he wants your attention and you are giving it to him. Make a vow to yourself, for your sake, his xap's sake, for his W's sake, and most importantly, for your H's sake, that you will not fall prey to his fishing attempts anymore. You told him that it's over, now prove it, because each time you respond you are sending a message that it's not really over. You aren't being cruel by ignoring him. Remember, NC is a gift. It is a gift you give to yourself and your xap and allows you both time to heal, separately, as it must be from now on. You cannot help him any longer. That is not your role.
If his wife does tell your H, you will cross that bridge when you get to it. Many of us have experienced DDays and can help you through whatever fallout comes your way.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
dude, jane, you are so right. i dunno how i didn't recognize that it was fishing, i just got so scared when i saw that and i reacted instinctually instead of intelligently. stupid exi.
well look, i'm back on the horse now. that all happened thursday, today is sunday, we're at 3 days NC, and i feel okay. i miss him sort of, but i am still so acutely aware of all the reasons to stick to NC.
for example...
*allowing my guilt to abate, giving myself the opportunity to heal
*focusing on my M, which is slowly improving, and H and i are connecting again
*focus on the new job i'm starting soon
*not allowing him and the A to take up all this space in my thoughts
*decreasing the risk of a bigger D-day
*avoid prolonging the inevitable--the A is never going anywhere. whether i end it now, or in 20 years, its all going to sh*t no matter what
*feeling proud to tell you all how i'm doing, when i hit the milestones and can look back and say "hey, that sucked, but i'm doing okay"
it's funny isn't it, because i think of all the break ups i've ever had, since high school, and this is the one that has been the most complex and difficult. i've always been able to walk away with my pride in tact, i was never involved with a push-and-pull, things just ended.
this "relationship" is so different, for obvious reasons, but i'm just surprised at myself and my own inability to cope. i guess its all part of what we do to ourselves when we get involved in an A. we become poorer versions of ourselves. our negative qualities start overpowering our positive ones. the parts of us that are vulnerable, needy, reckless and short sighted start trumping the parts of us that are resilient and sensible. and that is what got me into the A, and that is why getting out of the A is so challenging. but, those negative parts of me are NOT me. they're qualities i possess, but they dont define me. and this A does not define me, as long as i dont let it.
big hugs to all of you :)
UGH! guys, the fishing continues. i've got gmail, so you cannot block a specific email address, all you can do is filter the emails into the trash. so what i'm doing is deleting the trash daily, just closing my eyes and not reading any of his mails. he's emailed me daily, several times, subject lines ranging from "how can you abandon me like this" to "i miss you, please respond with something". i haven't been reading the emails, i'm just hitting "delete forever".
well, i went to delete this evening, and as usual, his name's in my trash folder, and i'm sticking to the plan of "delete" but the most recent email's subject line said "she's going to call ". so...i opened it...and it said "just as recently as today i tried to convince her not to call him, but still, you wont talk to me, wtf?". i just ignored it, hit delete after that. its clearly a fishing attempt.
help me out guys-how do i tolerate this? remind myself its fishing, remind myself not to respond. its not even a question of wanting to respond--i find his repeated attempts to contact me kinda pathetic, and i dont want to respond. so if i just dont delete my trash folder, it gets emptied automatically every 30 days. so maybe i jsut need to let it build up and get emptied. at SOME piont he's gotta stop emailing right??
have any of you tried to re connect with APs after the end and gotten no response? did you give up, or did you do something drastic?
thanks guys :)
How do you tolerate this?
1) Remind yourself its fishing
2) Remind yourself not to respond.
Remember: Its not even a question of wanting to respond -- you find his repeated attempts to contact you kinda pathetic, and you don't want to respond.
(-:
You know what to do; additionally, you can create a filter in gmail that let's you send his emails right to delete. It isn't a block, but an automatic delete.
Here are the instructions:
http://mail.google.com/support/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=6579
This should help you help yourself (-:
As for your questions - I think the experiences here vary wildly. No use in trying to guess what might happen based on others' experiences. You need to just focus on the one's behaviour you can control: yours.
I am so proud of you for not responding to those very desperate emails aimed at de-railing your efforts. Time to make it easier on you by blocking him out ... if need be, you need to change your email address.
My best,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TU, always full of amazing insights.
thank you for reminding me whats important. incidentally, that filter is the one i'm using. it auto-deletes emails, but sends them to the trash, which is why it takes time for them to disappear forever.
BUT, like tyou said, i need to remind myself that 1)he's fishing and 2)he doesn't need me, he's a big boy, and me responding just starts the whole thing up again. this is a break up, and like any other break up, it sucks at first, but then, it gets better. he'll get over me. i'm not THAT awesome (...well, that last point is debatable...i'm pretty dern cute ;))
you guys rock.
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