I'm back and need guidance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
I'm back and need guidance!
6
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 10:59pm
Okay, back again and want to fight like hell this time but I need some advice!

My MM and I had our final "fling" so we thought. We work for the same company but different branches in different cities (couple hours away). We got together for the "last time" at an overnight seminar. Then I knew that I wouldn't be seing him for who knows when, not in the near future, and I figured things would die down like they always do between times and I could work on getting past all of this.

We decided to have NC a couple weeks ago, but of course, he IM'd me a smiley face with a zipper across it one night and I broke down and went crazy because we are such good "friends" and I missed talking to him. So, we started emailing and IM'ing and talking on the phone. It was light stuff, work stuff, kid stories, nothing emotional.

Well, one night we are IM'ing and I mention this guy who has been emailing me. And MM says he is jealous and how sick it makes him to hear about it and he knows it is selfish. So this, of course, got me going again. I ended up writing him a nasty email about doing this guy and I'll let him know all about it. He writes back to say what can he do? He can't tell me not too, blah blah blah. So then I end up writing a gut wrenching love letter to him and he emails back about how I will never let this go between us and how I say it is over but I never want it to be over. HE STARTED IT BACK UP with the crap about being jealous and I'm the one who doesn't want it over? AND before all this I tell him I have a couple days off and will drive to have lunch with him and he says that isn't a good idea...so I think..good ..one of us is being strong. Then he tells me he will be at our office for a meeting and we can "go to lunch...just me and him...". He does this ALL THE TIME...he pushes me away, pulls me back in, I come back in and then he acts like it is all one sided and that I have no self control...He is just so TWISTED...I mean, please, someone tell me...is this the normal type of crap that anyone on this board has experienced???

So, anyway, I can't take it anymore. I emailed him and BEGGED him to just be friends with me because his last email (in response to my love letter) said maybe we shouldn't talk anymore and I need to get it that the sex is over...(although he sends me emails in reference to my boobs???). I felt I was losing control over the situation...if anyone was going to initiate NC, it would be ME not HIM and how dare he try and cut me off sexually...I'll cut him off, thank you...you know...the twisted control dance. So anyway in response to my last email he writes..."glad we are on the same page (about just "being friends").

My friend pulled me aside yesterday and told me it is time for me to start getting angry about the way he has treated me AND his W. Okay, now I am angry but he has no clue I am angry. Our last corresspondance was me begging him to be friends with me and I promise I will never talk about love again.

I have put a block on his emailing me and blocked his IM, but he doesn't know I am angry, he doesn't know I am done. DO I call? Write ANOTHER final email? I have written so many "goodbye" emails and so has he. We have "ended" it so many times, it is like crying wolf. I just want to not tell him and just stop talking to him. Another problem: I can't block his emails at work AND..he is coming to my office on the 20th for a meeting that we will both be in...HOW DO I HANDLE ALL THIS!! HELP!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 11:05pm
Hiya Need2,

Read through the article in the link below. It's rather long but it describes pretty perfectly your on again off again relationship. It explains why, too.

http://website.lineone.net/~dr.mgm/relationships.html

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 9:26am
Posie....

Oh Wise One...(you should change your name, ya know?)THANK YOU! That link was the BEST thing I have ever read! LIGHT BULB!

I have read a lot that you have wrote on this board and could you please address this part of my message:

....


Like I said, he is obvlious. All he knows right now is that I begged him to be friends and he said, okay, good we are on the same page...

Do I keep it at that and hope he fades away when he realizes I am not answering his emails?

Now I have to go to work tomorrow to face any emails I can't block and then seeing him at the meeting we have together next week. I have "ended" it so many times. Should I just email him one word responses to his emails? Treat him like a "friend" when he comes to my office? I am in a state of mind right now that I really want nothing to do with him. He is making me sick. How could he be with me and face his W? He blows me off every weekend (unless she is at work, and then he IM's me....hopping off the computer immediately if he hears her coming) He doesn't want any emails at home about what I feel (felt) for him. I guess that crosses the BC line, huh?

After reading the link you sent this all makes sense...my feelings of undying love for him (they are really about having a son of a bitch for a father)etc, etc. I feel like I can move on but how do I end it? Tell him I am finally done and want NC? Or just go along with a light "friend" thing because we have to work together? Us seeing each other in a work environment really puts an ugly twist on things.



Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:15am
Hiya Need2,

Thanks for the kind words, but think about it - I wasn't real clued up for 3.5yrs, eh? I'm not so sure being wise after the fact is much to be impressed with since everyone's blessed with 20/20 hindsight. More than anything I'm glad the link provided some answers, hon. I had an SOB father (emotional distance, verbal abuse), too, so have BTDT. Individual counselling will help give you the tools you need to begin filling that void. Best gift I ever gave myself was counselling and I thoroughly recommend it.

As for the working with exMM thang, I never worked with exOM. He's a fireman & I'm a paralegal & musician, so unless my office caught on fire or my amp or microphone blew up, our work paths would never cross hence I have no direct experience with this particular aspect. I've read good tips such if you're married then taking a photo of DH & family and keeping it on your desk can serve as a good reminder to keep it businesslike at all times with exMM.

No matter how tempting it might be, ensure that you discuss nothing outside of work-related matters. Tell MM that you will not have anything but work-related discussions with him. If he persists with bringing up matters which are not work related just tell him you are too busy for chit-chat. Depending upon your workplace inter-staff relations policy, if his emails are not work-related ONLY or are inappropriate, you can always quote the relevant passages of the staff relations policy as a warning shot.

As an aside, if you're sending personal emails at work, you can be certain the Network Administrator (and if more than one, then all of them) knows all about your relationship with exMM. My brother is a big-shot in computer programming these days and while studying he worked as a Network Admin for a large corporation. He & all the other Network Admins had total access and saw some pretty wild emails. These were often the subject of much tittering and even betting within the IT Dept - which would last, which would break up with side bets as to how & when, etc. While my brother is very much a live & let live type guy, some Network Admins might be a little more judgemental and might just feel it their duty to forward inappropriate emails to Human Resources Dept as quite apart from the inter-staff relations policy there's also the matter of using company time/resources for rather personal matters...

True & certainly others who are currently in the same boat may well have some better ideas for you with regard to establishing & maintaining a professional-only relationship in the workplace.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 8:10pm
Dear Need2 and Posie:

I just found this message board yesterday and it really helps. I found it at the right time because I am damn tired of the pain and ready to really DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to move on. I guess it takes NC. Over the last year I have had mostly NC but I have thought of him every second of every day anyway. Still--I am going to believe that NC will work this time. The thing about NC is that it is reality. The few hours I got to spend with my MM are not reality. I do believe in our love--but it has nowhere to go in an A. And I deserve so much more and so do you. I deserve someone to share my life with me not just a few hours. My real life is all the OTHER HOURS of the day MANY MANY MORE than the few I got to spend with MM. I have to face REALITY NOW. NC is just living in my real life ALL THE TIME. MM is still in my head all day--but that is just the price I have to pay for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 9:14pm
You go girrrrl!

From being off this sight and back on I can tell you that the break did more harm then good. I looked at these posts and it made me ill. I couldn't believe it...all of these affairs and all of these women thinking their love is "real" and "true" with these men...all the suffering and pain...It hurt to realize it at first but there is nothing real and true about the "love" in the majority of affairs...except the pain they cause and the agony you go through to get over it.

I thought my relationship with my MM was different, special...hell, it has been 9 months and we just recently labeled it an "affair". He didn't even want to admit that that was what he was doing....he is definately in la la land. He told me he would be with me and forget about her and be with her and forget about being with me, like he lived 2 seperate lives...and he was!

I have learned this much...if it was "real" love it would have somewhere to go...I, at one time, thought what we had was real but real is his wife and kids, real is him looking her in the face after being with me and shoving it so far down into his memory that "we" didn't exist when he was home.



I think the last straw for me was this weekend when I emailed him at home some heavy stuff about my feelings for him. He was HOME...it is okay for me to email him about sexual stuff at home but about FEELINGS? Sorry. He would have none of that. He basically told me I was giving him a headache and he didn't want to hear about that stuff at home. He told me I was never going to let us go and he wanted to end us sexually and maybe we shouldn't even be friends...I PANICKED. I backed off and apologized and begged him to just be friends with me...to continue our "friendship". Afterwards I thought, you know what? I AM TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE A WET NAP AFTER A GREASY BAR B QUE DINNER. Here I am BEGGING someone to keep a friendship with me? Please! It should be his HONOR to have ANYTHING to do with me! Right now, I think I have pushed myself from him making me weak in the knees to weak in the stomach....BARF. Let his W take care of his baby a** and his spoiled baby gotta have my cake crap. I am DONE.

For 9 months this man was my confidant and friend and lover. Now he just wants to dispose of me because I gave him a headache when I bled feelings alll over him at his home....his CASTLE? Puhlease!

I hope you and I can enter into the journey of NC together and grow stronger for it. Let's think about what we can control....ourselves...and stop giving these cheating lying LOSERS so much of our ENERGY!

Keep on Keepin on!

Need2B

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:55am
Hiya Survive,

While I'm sorry you have need of us & such a board, I'm sure glad you found us, honey. Welcome!

I remember all too well that feeling of being just plain tired & weary of the pain. Comes a point where you start to question if you ever really did feel any different than tired of the pain.

And the time comes when you understand that you really do deserve a great deal more from a relationship than whatever scraps are being thrown your way from his matrimonial table.

I ended my affair in January and had one major backslide in May but have maintained absolute NC since end of May.

NC works as much or as little as you want it to work, Survive. It certainly ain't easy as you'll have read, but if you maintain NC, you will lose the rosy coloured fog generated by the infamous love-goggles. In stepping back from the painful situation, you gain enough distance from the source of your pain & fog, and you gain clarity.

It's not a quick-fix, Survive. The pain & withdrawal symptom effects slowly fade in both frequency & intensity, but they do fade. In their place you find strength and you reclaim the integrity & often self-esteem you threw away when you embarked upon an affair. More than anything, I cherish the fact that I'm not ashamed to look at the lady that gazes back from me in the mirror in the mornings.

I love your take on NC is just living your real life all the time! Your reminder that the reality of an affair is that you generally have many more hours of the day where you're NC anyway may well help others struggling with just this concept.

Keep reading and posting, Survive. We're here when you need us and often when ya don't.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

"And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin