im back, with more to vent...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
im back, with more to vent...
1
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:33pm
yikes! yup so im back... ive been doing really well with coping with the A i had a year ago (which my bf still does not kno about)

but tonight we were just lying in bed watching tv and a recaping of americas top model came on... and i dont kno who of u have seen it but this girl cheats on her bf and they eventually goes back to her.

well after he saw that, he was completely disgusted. he was like i would never take someone back if they did that! omg never!

this totally freaked me out! i started to feel nausious! i just dont even kno what to do anymore... cuz the issue of cheating is everywhere so it comes up in conversations with friends and my bf! and its just like im getting everything rubbed in my face on a daily basis

so i am constantly feeling horrible about myself and cutting myself down. i feel like that is the only way i can feel better is to make myself feel awful... does that make sence? it def doesnt to me... yet i still continue to do it.

how can i just forget about this whole mess and led a normal life without guilt and regret!?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 2:49am
It seems to me that one of the reasons it is hard to let go of an A, is trying to understand why it happened, trying to deal with the guilt and regret you speak of. I have been seeing it like a plane crash where more than one thing contributed to the crash.... a series of mis-haps that cause a huge disaster. It is easy to blame your own relationship partner, but I think in most cases that is a cop out. There is something within ourselves, perhaps, that fears really committing to just one person. Forgive me for playing arm chair analyst here, but I have been thinking long and hard about his myself. Forgive yourself for being imperfect, and ask yourself what the relationship gave you.

My husbad used to rant and rave about how he would never forgive me for having an affair, and even predicted I would have one... I found out later his parents had about ten years of that while he was in his adolescence. Now, DH is my best support for getting over XMM. He sees it as an illness, me as a victim of a very selfish man, and glad that as a result, our marriage is much more honest. It took him a while to get there. The first few months he was horrible, but then as he became more understanding, the pull of the A became less and I was able to begin ending it.... a process which unfortunately still continues, but only via email.

Perhaps finding a way to forgive yourself through understanding will also prevent it from happening again.

Lala