I'm back, much has happened

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
I'm back, much has happened
9
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:17pm

It's been months since I've been here, alot of new names I don't recognize. I'll let you know why I left for awhile, and why I'm back now.

A short recap of my situation for those that are new. I am married and had a nearly 3 year A with a MM. Me and H and XMM and his W began a friendship around the same time me and XMM were getting closer. They were part of the social circle we hung around in and me and him were very drawn to each other. I ended it about 8 months ago when he was showing similar interest in another woman within our social circle. After about a year of hearing him tell me I was imagining things, I had enough of the pain of watching this, so I let him, the club, and the friends I had made there all go, and chose to go in another direction with my life. Me and him still continued to have a short chat from time to time online, mostly because it would look too suspicious to the spouses if suddenly we didn't speak anymore.

Now, the reason I left the boards for a few months. A few months ago, there was a reorganization at my job in which they eliminated my position. This was the single best thing that has happened to me in a long time. This was the job I took when my A was in its hot and heavy stage, and it put me in closer proximity to him. My A had ended months before this, so it wasn't very pleasant being there anymore where all my memories were, along with the constant temptation to meet him for lunch. That job was also the place I did most of my posting on this board, so that was part of the reason I have been gone for so long. I also thought a break from here would clear my head of all the A talk and help me move on. And I did. I started going to new places, meeting new groups of friends. My mind became clearer and I was no longer caring what he was doing with his weekends or his lunch hours or his free time. THAT is what I needed so desparately, and I got there :)

Ok now, the reason I'm back here. The other night, we chatted for a little while. Usually the conversations have been very generic, "hows work", etc, but this time, it got personal. He admitted calling me last week, and blocking his number, then hanging up when I answered. We haven't spoke on the phone in months. Then, he asked a personal question (something he would have asked when we were together, and one I would have answered). Instead, I replied "you don't have a reason to ask me this", which was my way of saying it's none of your business anymore. The next day, he IM'd me again and said this "I have been doing alot of thinking, and decided that I need to let go, and sever all ties". When I asked if he was saying that he wanted no contact at all, he said yes. We went on to talk more about this, and it came out how guilty he felt for what happened between us, that is was all his fault, and my anger towards him he feels everytime we chat, which he said makes him angry at himself all over again. He admitted to EVERYTHING being his fault, that he thought his flirtation with this woman was harmless and that I was making too much out of it, but he said he realized how damaging it was and that I had every right to be hurt.

I told him that if chatting with me on occassion isn't working for him, then I will respect his wishes. I really don't know how serious he was about NC, I really don't think he can do it. Part of me thinks it was a last ditch effort to pull me back in and the other part (which is why I'm here), hears the sincerity in his sadness and regret about whats happened. I KNOW I cannot have, nor do I want to have, what I had with him before. But I was hoping, with enough distance, and enough time with me in this other life I've made, my emotions for him would continue to fade and what we had could evolve into something else, something that didn't require sneaking around, like the four of us being what friends are supposed to be. Only, what I was hearing from him was 'if we can't have what we had, it can't be anything'. I'm having a hard time with that part :(

If he can do NC, then I can too. I am sad about that, but I can do it. I know what the veterans on this board will tell me, but go ahead, tell me anyway before my sadness on this issue turns into something distructive and I do something stupid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:38pm
Congratulations on all of the positive things you have done for yourself! You have made a lot of progress. I have the same situation with XMM and I have come to the conclusion that he cannot be in my life at all. I kept thinking we could be friends but when we talk (which is only about once every 2 weeks) he always ends up talking about things he shouldn't. He told me that it is hard for him to be friends because even talking to me is arousing and stimulating and he finds himself wanting more then to just be my friend. For me after every conversation I feel dissatisfied with everything in my life. It is so hard because I had thought that we were so close and he cared so much, but he is not willing to be my friend in a way that I find acceptable. It hurts that he can't just care about me, after all we both chose our m and families. If he is fine with that and loves his w why can't he truly be my friend? I have started to accept that he can't or won't do the friendship thing and even for me it is best to just let it go. I struggle with it sometimes, I feel so envious of him and what he has, everything seems so easy for him and sometimes I want him to suffer. Then I think is that truly friendship? I know I don't want the A anymore and he always said we ruined our friendship. Maybe we did, maybe we sacrificed that when we crossed the line. I know it would take us both trying really hard to be true friends and if you have to put that much effort into it perhaps that effort would be better spent on H, and family, and other friends. I am really curious to see how you manage to work this out.....take care....kc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 6:34pm

Pup

In my opinion it was and is an attempt a EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL....a simple attempt at manipulation, as you said yourself an attempt to draw you back in.

See it and him for what it and he is all about and then fall on you knees and thank your diety of choice for the NO CONTACT and run away with it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:27pm

kc, thanks for recognizing the progress I've made. For me to see the big differences in myself is worth all the hard work to get here.

Free, as I was having the conversation with him, I didn't realize what he was trying to do..I was stunned that he was admitting all this guilt. It wasn't until I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, that I started seeing it for what it was.

I know I'll be fine..I'm sooooooo close :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:09pm

Hey there Pup,
I'm back after a few months away as well. For different reasons though, I got way too busy with school and I found that I would spend hours reading the board and I needed to focus on school and work. Anyway, I really do hope that you are seeing XMM's intentions for what they are. I know it looks good on paper but to have it sink into your mind and heart is quite different from reading it in a post.
I know first hand that the friendship thingy does NOT work, no way, no how. This is because your A relationship was one with strong emotional ties and to some degree, the emotional pull still exist. It will continue to be there for months, maybe years to come.

Every little thing he says will be examined and scrutinized by you, what did he mean by that? How could he say such a thing to me? If he cared, he wouldn't treat me like that. Trying to remain "friends" with X A partners is like slowly committing emotional suicide.

Try not to place too much blame on him as a person though. One thing I've learned is that speaking in general, once a man has gotten inside your britches he kinda takes ownership of that and he will always try to get back what he feels is his. They can't help it, it's the nature of the beast. I've had to learn that the hard way, I was hurt more times than I care to remember in an attempt to remain "friends" with my X A partner after rejecting his attempts to "take ownership" of....well, you know.
I finally (and just about a month ago) realized that I needed to put both he and I out of our misery by sticking to NC. There was no discussion, I just went away. I'm still healing after 9 mos. out but I'm feeling better and better every and would not go back to where I was for a million bucks.

Good luck!
CGU

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 8:49am

Hey Hurtpup! I remember you from previously, and I've been back here myself this week with some XMM madness.

(((Part of me thinks it was a last ditch effort to pull me back in and the other part (which is why I'm here), hears the sincerity in his sadness and regret about whats happened.)))

I can sort of relate. My XMM contacted me (via textmessage because that's his preferred mode of communication) because he got himself into a mess in his personal life; i.e. new OW and Wife had confrontation at his house - yikes! and he thought to contact me because a) "I have a good head on my shoulders," (those were his exact words), and b) because I finally ended our A for good to stay in and rebuild my marriage and he knows his back is against the wall and he probably has to make this decision once and for all.

I posted about this and my inability to draw boundaries, and inability to determine when I can trust someone's motives and when I can't, when I can help someone and when I need to stay away to protect myself. So I understand what you're saying here and the parallel to my situation is a) did he REALLY contact me to get the benefit of my sound thinking, or b) did he contact me to "pull me back in," or c) did he contact me just to say, "HA! Laughs on you! You let me go but here are 2 other women fighting over me!"

(((But I was hoping, with enough distance, and enough time with me in this other life I've made, my emotions for him would continue to fade and what we had could evolve into something else...)))

And oh, I so wish this could be the case for me as well. But as Free, and everyone else here will assure both of us, this will NEVER be the case. XMM and I had so much in common, and unfortunately it was all of our character defects. We both had a tendency to be irresponsible and free-spirited, and when we got together those tendencies multiplied. He and I can never be friends. Even text messaging with him this weekend about his new romantic situation (and honestly, what kind of #$%*& contacts their XAP for romantic advice?????? and I did ask him this very question, which we both then deflected with some humor) affected me. I won't say I felt heartsick or depressed or anything like that, but I didn't feel like I would have had I had the same conversations with one of my girlfriends. It lingered, you know? All of my contact with XMM always had.

Anyhows, I'm glad to hear you've made so much positive change in your life, but sorry that the XMM is still a nagging little detail. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:57am

Thanks cowgirl and mo for your replies. I remember one of my last posts before I took a leave from the board, was one of much anger that was spilling out onto my daily life. That anger, and much of all the other emotions I was feeling, has subsided greatly which is why I thought that maybe, just maybe, me and him could keep some distant communication and that the 4 of us can still do things from time to time. And I still think this is something "I" can do, but what he was trying to tell me was that he can't do that, because I am a reminder of how he screwed up and as a result, lost me and what we had. I think it hurts HIM too bad to have me so emotionally distant even when we're in the same room, like the last time the 4 of us got together. And that emotional distance wasn't an act, I really felt that way.

When he said it was all his fault, I replied that I am trying not to see it that way anymore..because it helps ME get thru all of this. I told him that he was obviously attracted to someone else, and how can I put "blame" on him for that, when that is exactly what led him to me. You cannot control who you find an attraction with, so I tried very hard to remember that and it helped me let go of this ugly emotion that was destroying me. However, I couldn't go without reminding him how his reactions to this woman knocked me lower than I've ever been before, and I had to pull myself up all over again. He said he knows and it's something he lives with each day. I know that part is sincere, he's that kind of person. His mistakes will haunt him for awhile, which is why he wants NC with me now. He did make this statement which showed some acceptance and maturity on his part: "you have moved into a new phase, why should I pull you back into mine".

Mo, I am still amazed that your XMM has the b*lls to tell you about his new OW. All the reasons you posted as to why he contacted you would have gone thru my mind as well, but mostly the "having 2 women fighting over him" idea. It's like saying look what you've lost. Do you even think these men consciously realize what they are doing when they do things like this? Sometimes I wonder.

I had said I wasn't sure how serious he was about NC, so I went online, saw him there...no one said a word. Like I said, and I meant it, if this is what he wants, this is what he'll get. All I know is me and H are going out Friday night dancing at my new nightclub, with my new friends, so it's back to trudging ahead for me :)




Edited 5/26/2005 11:03 am ET ET by hurtpup
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:01am

hurtpup,

first i wanted to say hello. i lerk around sometimes but i dont find any of the familiar names anymore. i have also tried to get away from the board b/c it sometimes makes me worse.

like you we are in the same circle of friends. i have tried to go out with new ones, but i think i may be seeing him this weekend.

we also talk occassionaly on msn. but not all the time like before..

things between us have really changed. not by my choice.

i am a fool. if i could have any part of him i would. i take whatever he gives me...5 minutes of text or msn.

stay strong in whatever your decision is...yes no contact is the best thing in a perfect world.

let me know what happens...

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:22pm

(((Do you even think these men consciously realize what they are doing when they do things like this? Sometimes I wonder.)))

Hurtpup, this has been plaguing me since the first text message on Friday night. Why???? I'm going to see my T in a few minutes and I will no doubt look to her for some insight on this. But as Free and Id were sane enough to point out to me in my thread on this topic, it really doesn't matter. (And Id, if you're reading this, "pond scum" are still the words of the week!!!!)

Who knows what the heck they're thinking. But I was happy to hear that you're going out dancing with your DH and new friends. Interestingly, you used the word "trudging," which reminds me of an uphill battle and the fact that anything worth having is usually work. Hang in there, Pup. You're sounding great. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 1:41pm

Hi there upsidedown, I remember you and I'm sorry to hear you are still stuggling so much, especially when you have to see him in social situation.

"if i could have any part of him i would. i take whatever he gives me...5 minutes of text or msn." This is how XMM has always felt with me, only it wasn't enough for me. He had said early in the A that if I worked near him, we could have lunch almost everyday. Well I did get a job near him and lunch wasn't as frequent as he had made me believe it would be. I decided I was better than the few scraps he through my way...YOU are too! Don't ever, ever accept that from anyone. Some of us wouldn't accept certain behavior with our own spouses, yet we allow these OM walk all over us sometimes.

He had also said during our conversation the other night, that he sees now how badly his priorities were messed up...saying he should have put me first. I NEVER expected to be first, he has a wife and she comes first..but I expected to be important enough to him that he could relinquish his flirtatious ways at least while me and him were having this A, or at the VERY least, not directly in front of me! He made the atmosphere at my old stomping ground impossible to return to, because this woman was always there and the male ego being what it is, he visably ate up the attention from this younger, attractive woman.

And Mo, you're right, it really doesn't matter what's going thru their heads. And I picked the word 'trudging' for the very reason you mentioned, glad you saw what I was trying to express :) It's not been easy and I still miss him, and I felt some tugging at my heart reading what he was telling me, but I have so much less anxiety now, I can't imagine choosing that again.