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|Wed, 08-15-2012 - 9:45am|
Hi all you wonderful EAS'ers!
I missed you all, but I also enjoyed 4 weeks away from the office, my computer and just chilling with my family.
I think I was the only one in my family that didn't get home sick - but I guess I'm the only one that had to go back to an unbearable situation!!!
Anyway, to my disappointment my thoughts were not 100% away from my xAP and my A. But I did celebrate (with myself) my 7 months NC (LC if you count the fact that we work in the same building). I am also disappointed that he crept into my dreams once or twice, but to my defense, they were always about trying to avoid seeing him at work - but I guess the reality is the same, and my work week is filled with figuring out how to avoid seeing him. I am still proud of my handy work - in 7 months I don't even have to use both hands to count how many times I have seen him :-)
Right, where was I - OK my thoughts were never 100% off my xAP, but hours - I mean HOURS - once 5 WHOLE wonderful hours went by without him even being in my head! And sometimes when he popped into my head it was only to acknowlege my own progress and pat myself on the back! I taught my son how to swim while on holidays, and I spend loads of time just enjoying both my children and husband.
The occasion time where I found myself drifting off into thoughts of him - I did not think of my xAP in a oh I miss him way, I want him back way (its been a while since I have!!!), it was from reflective, honest angle, which was painful, but after looking at my A straight in the eye - I can finally heal ME! I have finally seen myself for what I was - a stalker - an obsessive crazy woman, that couldn't handle a man not giving me 100% of his attention. Think that this could bring out a monster in me! I saw myself for who I WAS, and it was SCAREY, I WAS scary!!!!. But I also saw a woman that stopped the A. My xAP never asked me to stop. He lapped up every second of an intelligent, beautiful, funny woman's attention because he knew how to play on her insecurities.Yep - I have decided to call myself an intelligent, beautiful, funny women, because I am now determined to love myself and love the amazing person I am. Just because my xAP didn't see it, or embrace it, or tell me, will no longer define me - what he thought of me doesn't matter or count because nothing was real in our A - so how can his opinion of me be real or true! ?
I am now just days away from the final job interview, and I am really using all my energies on preparing best I can. I allow myself to to dream about the day where I don't have to think through all my movement in the building where I work, and I can just enjoy the physical freedom of being me in my own workplace! If its not this job - there will be other jobs out there, and I'm going to keep up my fight. I really feel I have made a lot of mental progress during my time away, I feel much more organized and calm. With my thoughts of relevant things in my life, I find it easier to take control over things going on in my life.
I'm falling in love with life again - I am starting a love affair with myself. Its pretty exciting to get to this stage in my healing! Thanks to you all that have helped me on my way, directly and indirectly.
Also happy to see so many newbies. Absorb everything you can here and start a love story to be proud of.
Love to you all