I'm back...and need to start healing
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| Fri, 09-25-2009 - 12:54pm |
I'm slinking back in...tail between my legs so to speak...I haven't been on here in a week or so. Reason is, I wasn't sure what to do. Yesterday I made up my mind, and broke NC (15 horrible days). I really felt like I needed that final conversation. And I'm glad I did. Don't get me wrong, I'm still shattered, completely devestated and heartbroken. But I'm not as furious...I don't feel like I was used as much...and the doubt about contacting him isn't swirling through my head non-stop as it had been those two weeks.
I just don't know what to do NOW. Now I have to face the fact that it's OVER. That we will quite possibly never again talk. See each other. ANYTHING. I don't know how to face that. For the past few weeks I knew there was a chance we'd talk one more time, he'd said it'd be ok if I called this week, once. So I always had that in the back of my mind. Now though, I can't contact him again. I know, I know that this is how NC is supposed to be, and that many women all over the world lose the person they love and go on with their lives...I just don't know HOW. He was the one person who kept me going. I have a severely disabled child, as well as another kid, financial problems (who doesn't these days?), a husband who I rarely get along with, and very few good friends. I'm overwhelmed as it is with my life...he kept me sane. He kept me smiling, laughing. Happy! Last spring/summer was possibly the happiest I've ever been, the first 6 months or so we were together. And now he's gone! Forever! I don't know how to process that. I don't know how to accept that. I need to heal though because I can't live like this.
I know I said most of this before in my last post...but it's just so much more intense, now that we've had our last convo. I'm trying to make things right with God...I know my relationship with him has been a mess for years. Sigh...this just sucks. I know I made this bed and now I have to lay in it...but I never expected this for some stupid, stupid reason. Now I need fo figure out what to do NOW. How to accept this nightmare. So...I guess that's all I needed to say.

Hi Beautiful nightmare,
(((((hugs)))))))
Hi beautiful.nightmare
It's been awhile since I've been on the boards myself but I just read your post. I was in an A and it is over and I think I'm far enough along out that I am out of the "fog" and can tell you this and mean it from the bottom of my heart:
I know life sucks right now for you, BUT as crazy as this sounds, it's not the end of the world.
When I was busted by my husband, we ended up at my in-laws house that night. My husband was furious, I was scared and ashamed, but it was mother-in-law with whom I *don't* have a very good relationship with but however, she is the one that stood up for me and said those exact words to us "I know this is a bad situation, but believe me, after 46 years of marriage (referring to hers, not mine, this is not the end of the world".
Things are going to get better I promise. I am glad to hear you are working on your relationship with God. That is so important and it made me smile when I read that part of your post. As a matter of fact, it was the ending of the A that got me back into church. Good things sometimes come out of bad things.
~iwannabgood
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.